I recently my partner of 4 years due to repeated, serious breaches of trust.
He's lied about how long he was separated. He's fabricated relationships he had post divorce. Lied about education. Lied about going back on a dating site when we briefly broke up
When this all came out years ago he promised to change. It would never happen again. He'd get therapy (he did). Etc etc
Of course, he then lied some more - back in 2023. He lied multiple times about attending additional therapy sessions. He neglected to tell me he had maxed out his credit cards and put our house at risk as we had to remortgage. If his parents hadn't bailed him out I'd have had to pay off his debts. He then lied that there were no more debts - there were other, small ones
I'm 38 and CF, he has two kids, 7 and 11. We've lived together about 3 years now and it's been rough. His ex wife is high conflict, he was weak and passive which meant poor boundaries and never ending drama
That all changed as he put some boundaries in place at my insistence, but the awful dynamic with the ex has brought up my own childhood trauma and I'd constantly worry for the children.
I guess I won't have to deal with that anymore. It's been really hard but I've been OK (ish) throughout by focusing on myself, making new friends, having regular therapy.
He's otherwise a kind, reliable, hardworking man as odd as it sounds. He is giving - he drove my dad to France and back twice so my dad could visit. He'd do all the cooking. Bake cakes for my birthday, be my nurse during a long convalescence after surgery, blow dry my hair for me, things like that. Acts of service. Everyone said how great he is as he always acted friendly and kind and helpful. He was lovely to my friends and family.
The reason I'm posting is that I'm partly freaking out about this breakup. I feel guilty. I'm hurt he's now moving on and doesn't want to try again. That he's in part blaming me, saying things like I never did anything for him, when I bent over backward to help him and his kids. I can somehow only think of the good times. We live in the house still and ignore each other which feels bizarre, especially as he's keeping to his custody schedule so there are two kids here picking up on the atmosphere.
Its a scramble for me to keep the house (he's moving). I'm 38 and have some fears about meeting someone again, even though I am willing to date men with (older) kids, and don't want my own. I'm active, have a good job, I'm kind etc, so I know it's silly.
I don't know what it's triggered in me but I'm panicking that I've made a mistake. I love him. I miss him. He promised to go back to therapy, it's been the plan for a long time but he was made redundant in January and didn't want to go back while he was dealing with that. He says he wants to change, but he finds therapy hard and difficult and had to wait till he was working again as he felt so down. It's just of course that I'd heard that all before, didn't trust him, and in 18 months, I'd not forgiven the lies about the debt. I felt better when he was away, lighter, free, happy.
This man is now seeing his ex girlfriend as 'friends' and I've found out spent £500 on a prostitute since we split up. He was not paying his child support after his redundancy pay ran out, which is legal, but I am quite disgusted about the whole thing. His parents are supporting him financially.
Is it possible this man will change, was about to change? That I've folded too soon and wasn't patient enough? I am beating myself up. We had a good lifestyle, friends, a lovely home, we do love each other. I suppose it was all too little too late for me as I just could not get past it :(