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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is there any point contacting ex DH about adult DS?

6 replies

BigBoysDontCry · 03/09/2024 22:18

Just in a bit of a dilemma. Ex and I been officially separated for over a year but he's only been out the house since mid June. DS is 24, high functioning autistic but with anxiety and communication issues. He has a good honours degree in IT but hasn't had a proper job since graduating 2 years ago. He does a couple of night shifts in a supermarket. Dislikes it but has stuck it out. He lives with me.

He's really struggling at the moment, very unhappy, he has no real social life, is either at work, sleeping or in his bedroom. He joins me for meals and helps out in the house but us just so sad. I'm trying to help him find a different job but he doesn't look motivated, doesn't know what he wants and the whole thing makes him more anxious. I know he's unhappy but failing to get any info from him.

DH has only contacted and seen him once since he's moved out. It just makes me angry and sad in equal measure.

DS needs more support but I'm not sure if there is any point asking DH to help as he's never been much help anyway but at the same time DS would enjoy being invited for his tea or out for a pint or whatever. I shouldn't have to ask though really should I?

So just debating with myself whether to ask him to message DS or not. 🤷

I've tried to see if DS would go for counselling or at least go to the GP but he is very reluctant. Breaks my heart seeing him so sad but neither he or I know what would would help.

OP posts:
carrotcard · 03/09/2024 22:20

Could you ask your DS? Say do you want me to ask your dad if he's free for a chat?

marmitegirl01 · 03/09/2024 22:23

What is it about these men?? And I'm not having a go at you OP. I have one too. Couldn't see his children at his as was having the bathroom re done. For 8 weeks. ( usually has them EOW) Made no attempt to see them in that time, take them out for tea or any thing. Eventually bought us all a takeaway. Yeah that makes up for it 🤦‍♀️
Sorry you are being left to it. You boy is lucky to have you xx

BigBoysDontCry · 03/09/2024 22:23

I asked him if he misses him being here but he said not really. I know it sounds weird but you can't really get a yes or no, most answers will be I dunno, not sure, not really etc. I just have to try to interpret that based on body language, mood etc.

It's hard really. He's lovely and I love him to bits but it's hard work so maybe it's me I'm looking for support for?

OP posts:
BigBoysDontCry · 03/09/2024 22:25

DS won't use the phone and won't initiate contact. Ex DH knows this. I told him that it would be down to him to maintain a relationship with his son but he then accused me of saying he didn't have a relationship... 🙄

OP posts:
Aldertrees · 03/09/2024 22:27

Tell the exh that his son needs his father's attention. Is your xdh on the spectrum?

BigBoysDontCry · 03/09/2024 22:32

That's what I was thinking of doing.

And not officially. I guess I hadn't really thought about it before but I started to question when it was apparent that DS1 was. I also have DS2 who has dyspraxia (and possibly ADD), he's away at uni, he's convinced that ex is also autistic. He would deny it though.

OP posts:
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