Wish 'Grandma' was more hands on...

[magsi]

just wanted to share my feelings really. Have three children, (one with CP). My relationship with my parents until my dad died over 2 years ago was never really emotionally close. It has always been a 'pleasant' one, never really discussing any real issues. Quite a lonely one really. I never feel like I can really talk to my mother. I think its that whole thing of 'making yourself approachable to talk to' in the first place. I feel like if I wanted to share a problem with my mother, I would be burdening her and upsetting her 'brush it under the carpet and everythings allright' attitude to life.

I see her every morning and leave my youngest with her whilst I take the others over to school. My three are very noisy, playful, arguable, hardwork......just being a 6, 4 and 2 year old really. I am stepping on stones when I am there, waiting for my 2 year old to break something, but I guess thats just normal. Sometimes I feel like she thinks when we arrive, we are shattering her piece and she can't wait for us to go.

I have never had any 'praise' for doing things so far in my life off my mum and the older I have got, the more I realise I have missed this. Sometimes it would be nice for her to say 'well done, you are doing a great job'. also, she never volunteers to have any of the kids, or anything like that. She will, of course, babysit on the odd occasion if we ask, gladly, but never volunteers to have them on set days etc. Am I presuming things to 'expect' more help off her. To be honest, I could do with it. Since my dad dying, she has involved herself in various groups, and clubs and has a busy callendar some days of the week which is great. She is one fantastic lady, who was never going to sit and stare into space and not do anything. Far too practicle for that.

Just feeling a little resentment of her 'distant' relationship with me I suppose. I could never talk to her about this, just feel she would be far too shocked and wouldn't want to upset her at all.

I remember us having a conversation about saying 'I love you' to kids one day and she was commenting on one mother who drops her kids off at school (she lives opposite one) who always calls after her child and says 'love you'. She said 'who do parents have to be so 'american'? and cringed. I, however, think this is really nice and purposfully am always telling my kids this, and constantly giving them positive praise about things. Trying to break the mould I guess.

Just feel really cold when I am with her.

Anyone feel the same?

Sorry, thats 'WHY do parents have to be so american'

Sounds like the issue is not her being more hands-on with your kids, but being more demonstrative with you. My mum is also not very open about her feelings, though I know she is proud of me, and I've found this hard in the past. But I understand that her parents were pretty distant and critical of her, and she is not naturally comfortable with showing her emotions - it is unlikely, at her age, that this will radically change. It may also be a generational issue too. It is hard to feel that you are more emotionally open than your parent(s), but there is very little you can do about it, I think. I remember that when a close friend's dad died very suddenly, I thought 'sod this!' and wrote them a letter telling them about it, said that we never told each other we loved each other, and that I wanted to. According to my brother they were totally taken aback by this, somewhat embarrassed, and wrote back a letter saying something like 'thank you for your kind thoughts'!!!
So there was no big Hollywood moment when all those repressed feelings came tumbling it, we just all carried on as normal and have done ever since! I decided that my response would be to tell my future kids how I felt and express my feelings as much as possible (without being over the top), and that's what I'm trying to do.

Thanks for the reply.

Like I said, I am determined to 'break the chain' and not be emotionally distant with my own kids. I think she is such a proud woman who doesn't like to show weakness in any form. Must be a lonely life. There have been so many times growing up where I just wish I could have talked to her about things without fear of dissaproval.

I am sure there are generational issues aswell. She was brought up in a pub with three brothers, and went down to london at a very young age to work as a PA, so had to fend for herself quite a lot I imagine. I am not going to make the same mistake with my daughter. I just hope I can make myself approchable enough for her to want to share things with me and feel totally at ease.

Wanted to add (before dinner time calls) that my mum is equally independent and self-sufficient: the upside is that I don't worry about her sitting around feeling lonely, particularly now she's widowed, but the downside is that she has had to be self-sufficient most of her life due to crappy parenting, and that makes it very hard for her express loving feelings, as she was never shown how to. She's quite mixed up, and still broods about her childhood - possibly your mum does too. But I think it is fairly impossible to force somebody to share things if they don't want to/don't know how to - so instead I try to focus on her good points and appreciate them. Not always easy!

Sounds as though you need a bit of support, and you expect that your mum should therefore give you a bit more.

My first question would be, does she actually know you would like more support from her? Perhaps you think this must be obvious but she is unable to read the signs?

It is also quite possible that she thinks you should look after your own children and not rely on her. If this is the case then it would be best to accept this and try to find the extra support you need in another way...a cleaner perhaps or babysitter, or spending more time with supportive friends?

DarthVader

I don't know if she knows I need more support. To be honest, I have not turned round and asked her. I would feel I was burdening her really by asking. You are right, I could do with more help round the home (but then couldn't we all). The ironing never gets done and the house is a tip sometimes.

I think the biggest thing I have realised from writing on here is the emotional coldness. She is not unpleasant in any way at all, I just feel like when we have a conversation, I might aswell be the lady on the bus and it is all 'pleasantries', and not much else.

Just wish I was closer really. One good thing from all of this and the way I feel is that I am setting good roots for my own children's relationship with me....I hope.

Thanks all the replies and listening.

I am sure you will have a different sort of relationship with your own kids.

Sometimes other people just can't or won't be who we want them to be - maybe this works both ways with your relationship with your mum even.

Do you get emotional closeness from dp and from your friends?

I don't really ever get approval from my mother, and I do find this a shame, and in the past have found it hurtful. But I cannot think it will change for me now - my mum is almost 70. I think the trick is to make sure you get what you need from different relationships.

DarthVader,

Your right, I do get (and give) a lot of emotional support elsewhere for which I am greatful.

In the long run, she is still my mother and the woman I will always look up to the most.

Now, back to the ironing!!