Boundaries and ex

[Caramellie3]

I bought my ex out of our family home a couple of years ago. However he still comes into the house when collecting the children or returning home. Sometimes he will ask to make himself a drink to take on his journey with him. Sometimes he doesn’t ask just makes it. Other times he uses the toilet etc. We have been on holiday and he has been phoning the children on their own phones. When we are at home he calls our home phone. So I’m realising I need to put more boundaries in place. How to do this without upsetting him? How do you and your exes manage with children in the house.

I would just say that you have no issue with him dropping the children off and picking them up from yours but that you don’t want him actually coming into the house. Would he behave this way when picking the kids up from one of their friends houses? Just invite himself in and make a drink and use the toilet? I very much doubt it. He doesn’t live there. It’s not his home and he has to act accordingly. As for phoning the children, that’s more difficult because if they have phones then you can’t stop him phoning. You could maybe mute him on their phones whilst you’re away on holiday. It seems to me like he’s actively inserting himself into your life like an animal marking its territory. Put you foot down. If he’s a reasonable human being then he will understand and not cause an issue. Something tells me that the fact you’re concerned about upsetting him means he’s not a reasonable man. In which case, who cares what he thinks, he’s unreasonable. Put boundaries down and stick to them.

none of it would bother me to be honest. the one thing my ex and i agreed on was that we would not fight and bicket infront of the children and no matter what our differences were, we would be united in the upbringing of the children.

it was much easier to have a key for each others houses, and could pop in to collect, pick up or drop off items as needed.

myself and my ex, even though divorced, were still very good friends, and i was happy for the children to see that there were no hard feelings between the two of us.

i don't think he's inserting himself or marking his territory, i think he's just being grown up and sensible and assuring his children that things are going to be ok.

It depends on why it bothers you. I wouldn't mind an ex I had a good relationship with making a drink or using the loo.

Change the locks and tell him you lost the key and had to do it.
If he asks for a new key tell him he doesn't need one.

Completely get where you are coming from. A similar thing can happen here.

I would turn the ringer off on the house phone and tell him it's faulty and can he phone them direct to their mobiles.

I used to get furious when I'd go into the toilet and he'd been in and left the seat up. He has a new wife now and miraculously the seat is now left down (I tried for 16 years to influence this with no joy so I wonder what her technique was?).

I started answering the door and would stand there and not invite him in. To be honest, that made me feel awful and petty. For family harmony I'd just put up with it or say very directly, this isn't your home any more so can you ask if you need something like a drink rather than help yourself, I wouldn't do that in your house.

Does it work both ways? Do you have a key for his place and would you behave the same there i.e. make a drink, use the loo?

I had the same scenario with my ex - making drinks, helping himself to food from my cupboards etc - and it annoyed me simply because I wouldn't dream of doing that in his new place which was somewhere I have never lived.

I simply pointed this out to him and said that I felt I didn't have the same level of privacy and autonomy in my own home as he did. He said he hadn't really thought about it before and was just acting out of habit but he saw my point. We didn't row or anything, it was a civilised conversation.
Now he rings the doorbell if he comes over & waits to be asked for a drink (always offered) if he happens to come in.

Your ex may be the same and has just never thought about it from your point of view. Worth bringing it up in a calm, chatty way.

He should ask to use the loo and wait to be offered a drink - as you would in someone’s home.

I’d deal with it calmly the next time he is here. Hopefully he’ll accept it. If he gets arsey about it, then I’d ban him from coming in.

Thank you for the comments no it doesn’t work both ways. I guess it’s because my home was his. I’m happy for him to come in and have a chat but some of it seems a bit cheeky. I have a partner but if he was here I think I’d feel a bit awkward with the ex helping himself to drinks etc.

Maybe that’s the answer - make sure your DP is there next time and see if XH acts the same way!

My XH has a key (luckily, as my kids always forget theirs!) but will usually ring the bell first and just let himself in if I’m not here. I wouldn’t have an issue with him making a drink but he’d make me one too. He usually waits to be offered but will sometimes say “is it ok to make myself a coffee?” And of course it is, I wouldn’t have a problem with him just doing it tbh. Same with anyone who visits! Get the kettle on! And if they need a pee they shouldn’t have to ask - he knows where the loo is.

I think you're spot on Op, it was the family home so he still feels comfortable walking in and helping himself. If he's over stepping and making you uncomfortable there's no reason why you can't mention it, better that than falling out about it