13 year history of abusive husband (previously physically abusive, since then mentally, emotionally abusive.) We have had a SS investigation due to him having an explosive fight with a paediatrician, who reported him. Police were called once when I was physically abused. I stupidly did not pursue it. H befriended the social worker, did the courses he had to do, no action from police and physical abuse stopped. All emotional and verbal abuse was always there and has continued when he is around. We have not had any physical contact ie sex for 5 years
I have brought up 4DC mostly alone, all are still under 10. I have also worked full time and paid for everything while H has gone AWOL for days and weeks. H also takes drugs and is by all accounts a total reprobate. My friends and family hate him even more than I do. We are at the point now where H lives elsewhere (I don't know where) but periodically comes back every week for 30mins to one whole night where he sleeps on the sofa or stays up all night watching TV, eating the food in the cupboards. While here he issues a lot of imperious views on what's right for the DC, how they should be educated and treated, makes comments on my deficiencies on running the house, organising things, says I am a mess, takes cheap shots at me being run off my feet to wear me down.
I don't know what he wants and am told by friends and family that I have been too gaslit to see what is going on and I seem frozen in paralysis. They all think he wants to retain his rights and ownership over the family, house, my money, while not taking any responsibility and abusing me and neglecting the DC. They are probably right. Everybody now says to me "the only person who can do anything to change this is you." I can feel them getting frustrated with me.
He is on the lease (there is a break clause in March) but I pay the rent and all bills. I really find it hard to express my fears about what happens if I try to remove his access to everything but I will try to express it here and maybe people can relate.
Right now I get around 5 hours sleep a night on a good night. I work from 50-60 hours a week in a highly stressful job and I earn well. I take the DC to school and pick them up every day, plus take them to extra things they want to do and a couple of holidays when I can. I have a nanny who comes after school and helps for a few hours while I go back to work. I pay for everything. All rent, all bills, all school fees (H insisted they go to private school originally and now they don't want to leave their friends,) nanny salary. I don't own property and I don't save any money and I am in my overdraft at the end of each month. Up until about 3 months ago, H was asking me for money most months - he doesn't have a job. When I would give him money he would go through a period of helping me out a bit (doing some housework, taking bins out) but it would only last a short time and then he'd be off again. I am a physical wreck, developing some chronic health issues, I self harm by binge eating and pulling my hair and sometimes drinking too much, although never to the detriment of the DC. I have a lot of fear around safety and I really don't like living alone despite the fact I mostly do.
I know that I need to pull the plug on him in every possible way. But the problem is I am scared. Everyone says to me "just do it, it will take a massive weight off your shoulders." But he is so explosive, so difficult and so insidious that I only see it getting worse before it gets better if I cut him off. On top of doing everything and paying for everything (which I am barely surviving) if I turn him away, pull the plug and tell him to fuck off I genuinely believe he will wage a war on me that will tip me over the edge. The idea of my stress doubling right now by taking him on, is so overwhelming. No-one seems to understand this. Every single hour of my day is taken up right now with work, housework and childcare. He is doing nothing, living elsewhere and dropping in spontaneously. I don't want to insist in some kind of plan to share custody of the DC as I genuinely believe he is a terrible, abusive father and I wouldn;t put them through that.
What would you do in my situation?