Blindsided by breakup - utterly traumatised

[LO2218]

Hello,
I'm just hoping that anyone can share some tips on how to move on from being blindsided.
I am utterly traumatised.
Backstory - met online but had mutual friends who spoke very highly of him. We fell in love and I was on cloud 9. After a long time, our kids met and we integrated into a family. He moved in and life was amazing. I found out he was a cocaine addict but because I had never felt this kind of love for a man before and we were 'in love', I supported him and stood by him. I obviously wouldn't have my kids around drugs and so I said that if he didn't sort himself out I wouldn't have anything to do with him. I totally and utterly trusted my life with him - he treated me so well. He was caring, loving, protective and loved my kids. He gave up the drugs, doing drugs tests everyday and proved himself. (Now I know he probably went back into the drugs). We went on holidays and eventually wanted to buy a house. We had discussed having a baby of our own and if anything he pushed it. He even bought a ring sizer as he was going to propose and asked my daughter to hide it (I feel terrible for my kids now)
so 4 weeks ago, he left for work, told me he loved me. That morning we had a little argument but actually resolved it. That night, he wouldn't come back, broke up with me over the phone, we were waiting to find out if I was pregnant and had the mortgage offer to our dream house. From on cloud 9 to literally nothing in a second. He is cold and won't talk to me. Didn't even ask if I was pregnant, or if I was even ok. Hasn't even bothered to ask if the kids are ok who he was very close to. He left one morning and never came back.
Now as I'm writing this, it makes me sound so stupid and gullible. But we doted on each other, I have never felt such love from anyone in my life. We spoke about our happiness and future everyday and how we couldn't believe we found 'the one'. Even the days leading up to it, so happy and looking forward to our future. I'm now left, rotting and he doesn't care. I honestly cannot tell you the pain I'm in. How could anyone do this? After the stood by him and supported and loved him. Please be kind to me, I gave him everything and now I have been discarded as though I'm nothing. The fact he treated me so well is so hard to get my head around. Surely it's the drugs? X x

Yes it probably is the drugs. Which he loves more than he loves you. Sorry OP.

That's all I can think it is. Thank you for replying @squashyhat x x

Sending hugs OP! I had a similar experience last summer, it hurts so badly 💐 Keep reminding yourself of all the cliches... you deserve more than him, it won't feel this bad forever etc ~ and one day you'll start believing it.

I found out he was a cocaine addict but because I had never felt this kind of love for a man before and we were 'in love', I supported him and stood by him

I felt like holding up a giant red 'Stop' sign at this point in your post.

This man does not care about you. Whether it's due to drug use is irrelevant. You're a million times better off without him in your life, and so are your children.

You were his addiction for a while, he's found a new one or gone back to the old one.

You are better off without him. He told you everything you wanted to hear. You let him move in to your home with your kids.

Thank you @FirstTimeHomeowner. I'm in so much pain and trying to push through. X x

@Sethera I know and I wish I had listened to my gut. It was just so perfect, I'm obviously a fool x x

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay I know and it's so hard when you are in something when you are made to feel so important and cared for. I wish I could turn back time x

So sorry OP. He's a fucked up addict who love bombed you. The nice him isn't the real him, you fell in love with a fake. The real him is the toxic, selfish, drug addled shit and despite the anguish you are lucky he's gone.

It's utter shit and I feel for you and your children. Have you checked you're not pregnant? Take it one thing at a time. Pregnancy test. Explain to your children that he couldnt stay with you because he has an addiction and isn't well (age appropriate explanation).

Then be very grateful this happened before you took any hard to reverse actions like buying a house. Make sure he can't get back into your house and make even more sure you don't take him back.

How long were you together?

How long were you together?

I agree with PPs it's sounds like he love bombed you. Would be interested to see how long he was able to keep it up before the mask slipped.

Cokeheads are the devil’s work. They commit to nobody. I think they want to ‘do the things’, be that good guy. But they can’t. It’s worse than’they won’t’, they literally can’t. Cannot do the things. Cannot be the better person. They don’t have it in them to be what you need them to be.
One of my oldest friends is a cokehead. A 90s cokehead… the worst kind because the damage is irreversible. I’ve known him for nearly 30 years. Ironically I have never touched coke and coke hasn’t touched our friendship. But I have to love him as a friend from a distance. That’s just how it goes. He’s left every partner soul destroyed because they have invested so much hope and trust and energy into someone and something that was never ever ever going to go anywhere.

The problem with cokeheads is they deceive themselves and everyone around them and that deception becomes them. It rules them. And also, cokeheads are profoundly selfish, like, to a pathological degree. They’re really great at pretending they’re not. But they can only pretend for so long. That’s when they run.

He ran because your reality was his charade and he couldn’t and wouldn’t keep up. He couldn’t fake it anymore. Coke first. Everything else last. That’s how it goes.

You must get some therapy for this OP. It’s the only way through this very real and significant trauma. You’ve been woefully deceived and discarded. Please promise yourself you’ll get therapy. 💐

Unfortunately that's what they do hun, love bombing so they get what they want and leave a path of destruction in their path.

You will get past it though. It will be hell for a while but it will pass. Allow yourself to grieve for what you believed you had, don't let it stop you from moving on and regaining your own happiness again though. You were sold a lie, he's a skilled manipulator.

You can't turn back the clock but keep moving forward and it will become a lesson learned rather than the pain it is now 💐

How long were you together? It sounds very much like he has relapsed, likely due to the other stuff going on (potential house purchase, baby, planning to get engaged). All the stress associated with these will have been overwhelming and he has more than likely turned to what he knows to help him manage (from experience).

It's horrendous and I have felt the way you feel, suddenly dropped from a great height. Previous posters are correct, people with addictions are selfish and the addiction will always come first.

Sending hugs, look after yourself and your children as absolute priority. Make sure he can't get into your house and cannot access your finances.

God people can be so judgmental on here! You let him moved in because you trusted and loved him and there is nothing wrong with that! The last thing you should do at the moment is beat yourself up over anything! You have to remember that if he was the one and was everything you thought he was he wouldn't do this to you. The way he is treating you now is the real him. Some advice someone gave me when I got broken up with out of the blue when we were trying for a baby and going to get married was that not all storms come to ruin your life, some come to clear your path. Write a list of everything you didn't like about him, and there will be things you are just choosing to see him in a perfect light at the moment because of the circumstances, and read it every day and remind yourself of his bad traits and why he isn't good enough for you. It sounds like he may have gone back to drugs, or may have changed his mind but the BEST thing you can do right now is take back control, tell him you don't want to hear from him again and if he doesn't come running back (which he likely will once you take control) then you are 100% better of without him. The no contact rule works ALWAYS! Sending love x

Thank you so much everyone for your kind messages x x
I am luckily not pregnant - cannot believe he pushed for this to happen to then leave whilst we were waiting to find out!

I have started counselling and it has been amazing so far. I'm having trouble getting all the 'good times' out of my head which leaves me totally at rock bottom. She has given me some tips on how to start taking control back in my head.

so many people have said to me that this happened for a greater reason and one where I will come out stronger than before.

I’m so glad to hear you’re getting counselling OP! The thing about the good times is that they exist in every relationship, even ones where abuse is at its worst. There will always be those good times. And it’s those memories of the good times that lull us into that confusing state of thinking there might still be some magic left, or “it wasn’t as bad a relationship as I thought”. Those memories of the good times are painful and confusing. Keep on going there with your therapist until you can finally release ALL memories to the past and make your present life safe and sound. Free yourself from his cruelty. This will be your transformation. 💐