Should I stay or leave…

[Annie93]

This is a long one but need some advice. Me and my husband have been together 8 years, I have a son with him who is 3 & one from a previous relationship, he’s 15.
when we first got together he was brilliant with my son, took him to football, looked after him etc perfect step parent, then I fell pregnant! My eldest was entering teens & had been on his own with me for all that time (his dads not in his life) so as you can imagine he wasn’t impressed & it took him a good year after his brother arrived to bond with him. On top of that I had PND, my other half wasn’t supportive at all and because my eldest wasn’t fussing over baby he took a dislike to him said he should be punished. I knew my son would eventually come round & be fine with his brother but he wouldn’t accept that and wanted it dealt with and fixed. I took the boys away on holiday with my mum (Husband wouldn’t go said my eldest should be punished and not allowed to go) that was the best thing I could’ve done in my eyes because that holiday got my sons bonding.
From this my husband doesn’t want our son going to the same school as my eldest or being brought up like he has been.
he continues to say that we’ve put him through hell the past few years.
youngest son is a typical toddler, loud, tantrums etc my husband just can’t handle it and shouts a lot at him. He says he thought family life would’ve been different. I have told him to leave if he’ll be happier but he says he’d never see our son then as he wouldn’t want to stay with him cos he tells him off and I don’t.( I do just not to the level he does)
He gets annoyed when I don’t tell him things to do with my eldest and says I have a separate live over at my parents with my son & them. why would I tell him things about my eldest when he usually brings things up and gets nasty about him if we are falling out.
I am totally broken… my eldest won’t come home whilst he’s there, husband says if he comes back then he’ll leave. He thinks toddler should just do as he’s told with everything.
we have a fairly big house and he’s on about selling that so we can be in something smaller so our son won’t want to be at home and will want to go out to nursery etc..
he is a very angry man at the moment and is not the person he use to be and I feel so bad cos I feel like I’ve made him like this by having pnd and not accepting that my son had left.

Let's be very clear.
You haven't made your husband like this.
Your husband is choosing to act this way, and it's completely unacceptable.
For your mental health and that of your two children, I would be working on taking steps to ending this marriage. You three deserve so much better.

Leave. He’s controlling and shifts the goalposts to keep you dangling. What a prick.

This will get worse, not better. See a solicitor and work out how to get out. For your children if you don’t feel able to do it for yourself.

You have not made your husband this way at all. this is all on him. He is choosing to act like this because he can and it works for him.

I would also now start planning your exit from this marriage.

Is the house in joint names? Do not let this man sell your children's home. Go see a solicitor.

He's a terrible father and an awful husband by the sound of it. Is your 15yo living with your parents??

You shouldn't leave but he absolutely should.

Yes at the moment my eldest is at my parents, they have helped bring him up and he’s always stayed there weekends etc so it’s not unusual for him to be there.
youngest is due to start nursery tomorrow & he can’t cope with that cos youngest won’t just go. He doesn’t like getting his haircut, refuses potty, won’t eat everything you put in front of him which to me is typical toddler but husband just can’t deal with it he says it’s not normal.
I do think he’s only with me now cos he doesn’t want to be on his own as a single dad. I know deep down I need to get out and be with my boys, I’ve planned it out and everything and had the opportunity to tell him but I just can’t do it. Fear of being on my own again as a single mum, worrying he’ll go meet someone else. When I met my husband I really thought that was it and he was the one I thought this was my happy ever after. He was so nice and then we had a child and it just completely changed and he completely changed.
I think as well he expects me to live happily without my eldest here and I can’t do that as he should be with us. I’m always at my mums seeing him and we go on days out which I don’t think my husband likes as he always says I have my life there with my parents and son then I have a life here with him and our son.
I do think after we had baby he needed help and I still think he does but he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him even though he has all this pent up anger.

OP, you and your boys have no future with this man. He might benefit from counselling, because he seems to have serious problems. But I think you and DC need to leave him.

You and your children are in a very abusive relationship.
Your poor older son forced out of his home.
Contact Women's aid.
Do not move out of your home.
You need support and legal advice and protection.
Call Womens aid asap.

"I know deep down I need to get out and be with my boys, I’ve planned it out and everything and had the opportunity to tell him but I just can’t do it. Fear of being on my own again as a single mum, worrying he’ll go meet someone else".

Of course you need to be on your own and with your children; your eldest is now living with his grandparents and that is not ideal either; he needs to be with you his mother.

You're on your own now within this marriage. He does not have your interests at heart here and likely never has. And as for him meeting someone else well that poor sap of a woman would be welcome to him. Why put up such barriers to leaving?. Better to be on your own than to be as badly accompanied as you are now. You need both Womens Aid and a Solicitor.

His behaviour is not your fault.

However; staying with him and effectively choosing him over your childrens mental wellbeing would be your fault.

He sold you a mirage; this is who he really is and has been all along. Such an abusive man never had any hope of keeping up the nice act indefinitely. Often abusers further ramp up the power and control against their chosen target, in this case you, when their woman (who they see as a possession) becomes pregnant.

Do not whatever you do put this man before your children. Your children need to be front and centre here along with you.

Your son has moved out because of your husband’s behaviour and you are not sure if you should leave him? What the fuck

Continuing a relationship with this man is abuse of your eldest child.