He thinks I’ve accused him of the worst

[Justanotherusername27]

Bit of a weird one. Me and DP were about to have sex last night. It was really late and I just wanted a quick one as I was tired and a bit emotional about something else that had happened.

Now my DP is a bit of a comedian and makes daft jokes at every given opportunity. Sometimes as we begin the ‘doing it’ routine . It’s annoying but sometimes it makes me laugh.

He started doing it last night, making stupid noises, saying call me daddy etc. Pulling my hair and spanking my bum. Again he does it to make me laugh, he doesn’t get off on it.

Anyway, last night I wasn’t in the mood for any of this. I just wanted to do it and go to sleep. I kept asking him to stop whilst laughing along with him (which is on me) but I said a few times we won’t do it if you carry on. But he just kept doing it. At one point he was on top of me making a noise. I didn’t feel threatened as such, I know he’d never hurt me like that but I was uncomfortable.

In the end I said I didn’t want to do it anymore. He was fine with it, rolled over and was setting his alarm but I think with the mix of a bad day and feeling like I wasn’t being listened to I got upset.

I told him it made me uncomfortable and I asked him to stop messing about and he didn’t and I didn’t like it. He said, a bit insincerely thst he was sorry I felt that way and said night love you. I got a bit frustrated at that phrase and was like no it makes me really uncomfortable when you carry on because it’s annoying etc and you’re on top of me doing it. Something then switched in him and then he kept saying I was accusing him of trying to r**e me. And began acting really childish and saying that we won’t have sex again if that’s the case cause he doesn’t want to be accused of something like that.

Just to clarify I absolutely wasn’t. I was accusing him of not listening and making me feel uncomfortable. Anyway he got defensive, I got upset. We argued for about half an hour and he was a bit childish. He gave me another insincere apology and kept telling me he was off to sleep. I stayed awake for ages. I’ve never known him be so childish over something like this.

All I wanted was a sincere apology and for him to show some understanding but I feel like I’m now in the wrong for being upset about it.

how would you handle this? Also, he’s generally a nice guy. Been together years. Please don’t say end it etc because it’s not that deep. Just want advice on how to discuss and move forward.

It is that deep. You told him to stop and he decided to carry on.

Did he think you were joking when you were asking him to stop messing about? You said you were laughing along with him, so maybe he thought you were just messing around?

I think you need to be firmer if you really mean stop. We have a lot of banter and mucking about, giggling and silliness but a firm STOP is always obeyed by the other party.

Safe words are non negotiable.

Sounds like the case of both if you being tired, and frustrated a bit. Something relatively small happens and it becomes overblown due to it being late and tiredness.
And - as you were already ‘emotional’ from something else - it all snowballed.
Whenever someone argues for hours because the apology they got was not ‘sincere enough’ in their eyes - it never ends well. Because the argument stops being about the little thing that started it and becomes more of a power struggle where old resentments come to the surface.
Or where one if the people is off-loading something else.

Late night drawn out arguments never lead anywhere. If this is a one-off - i think best thing is to move on saying you both were tired. And you both played a role in it escalating unnecessarily.

I think if playful, jokey foreplay is his thing and you usually go along with it and laugh, and you were also laughing this time, the message can be ambiguous and/or certainly very weakened. If, in general, you don’t like it, then tell him, not when you’re about to have sex, that you don’t want it to be part of foreplay anymore.

I find it a bit off that you just had the mindset of ‘do it already/get it over with’. If the tables had been turned, I’d have felt a bit used by that.

It was late, you weren’t in a great mood, so it’s probably wasn’t the time to get intimate or to have a discussion about it.

In retrospect it doesn't sound like sex was the best course of action given the way you were feeling. Live and learn.

Thanks for your replies, I think we were both tired and it snowballed. I’ll text him now and apologise for my bit. I just don’t want him thinking I was thinking he was trying to do that. I was joking about with him to begin with but as time went on I was getting less jokey with it and saying if you carry on I’m not doing it and then yeah that happened…

Yeah sex probably wasn’t the best idea at the time I just thought it would be 10 mins of feeling good and going to sleep really. And we both agreed it would be a quick one because it was really late. He was the one who said let’s have a quick one cause I’m tired 😂

Jokes are double edged swords. It's no joke to say stop and the other person doesn't. Your last words undermine your own feelings. It is a big business, otherwise you wouldn't be posting this. Either get out now or have a serious pact on what No means.