Husband messaging another woman

[ElbowsandCrumbs]

Met my husband 5 years ago, I was a single Mum of 5 boys & 8 years older than him , it took a few months for us to get together but when we did its honestly been amazing, and he's an incredible step dad my boys absolutely adore him & I stupidly believed I met my soul mate . He lived in a small cottage that we renovated to add an extra floor so we could all live together, he proposed in the most romantic way, we had the most beautiful wedding & 7 months later his behaviour has changed and he's messaging another woman....... I've never ever felt the need to check his phone ..... but suddenly he changed, I knew what signs to look for & we're currently on holiday in Gran Canaria with 3 boys & I just had to look at his phone..... his Instagram choices are not pleasant and he's been messaging a woman he knew 22 years ago ..... she finds him hot & he wants to pounce on her amongst other things .......
Totally devastated tbh especially as my children adore him and I feel completely humiliated , my friends think we have the perfect marriage so I don't know who to turn too or what to do ??? We did have words yesterday as I asked him if he was happy? Etc......

Im so sorry :(

I don't think you can even have a chance at dealing with this unless you're super honest and let him know you read his phone so he has no option to lie about it.

Then its really up to the chat you have and whether you think you can move past it?

I'm not someone who deals in absolutes - others will tell you to leave immediately, etc but i know life is more complicated than that.

The only thing i would say is that you deserve to be with someone you can trust, and you deserve honesty. Whatever your mates think of your relationship is irrelevant, and im sure they would support you in whatever you decide to do. That's what id do for my mates, and im sure what they'd do for me

So he wants to ‘pounce’ on his OW, among other things?? Send the sordid player on his way then.

@ElbowsandCrumbs, I’m very sorry that your H has been cheating on you and your boys. After trusting in his love and loyalty, you must be absolutely crushed that he would make such a mockery of your marriage and family.

This is all on him and his self-serving entitlement to pursue illicit thrills. Don’t allow him to blame you or the relationship. He was responsible for protecting his fidelity, but chose to cheat with this OW and change his behaviour toward you. He stole your agency and consent, and has potentially risked your health.

Even if he has issues, he rejected all ethical options available to deal with them and chose a destructive path.

Find your anger, @ElbowsandCrumbs. I would have zero tolerance for his sleazy betrayal, so it would be game over. I would confront him asap. He’s a pretender — not the faithful, dedicated man you believed him to be or the fine, honorable role model your children deserve.

Please don’t allow yourself to be manipulated by him via gaslighting, lies, minimizing, blame shifting, fake promises, or big crocodile tears.

Do you have a strong support system and a place to move with your children?

You need to talk. Otherwise how will you know if you can save this relationship?

There's quite a chance he does it just as 'a buzz/entertainment' but it's heartbreaking I know. I would make it clear if that's the case he gets one chance and one chance only - and you see him in a lesser light- any excuses or a lack of grovelling, then I would tell him to do one.

his Instagram choices are not pleasant and he's been messaging a woman he knew 22 years ago ..... she finds him hot & he wants to pounce on her amongst other things .......

I don’t think this is ‘have a talk about it’ territory…you’ve found out what kind of man he is, unfortunately.

You have been deceived by a dedicated con artist. He gave you ablot of proof of love and determined fidelity at the beginning if the relationship which he has now shown to be hollow. You just have to be honest and untangle as fast as you can. My guess is he will make it difficult because he wants the love and loyalty if your sons, his fantasy boy children. This may have been one of the reasons he targeted you. Be careful how you withdraw. He May try to damage your relationship with your sons.

How are you doing, @ElbowsandCrumbs?

I think if you don't deal with this in the right way you're in danger of letting him think you're a doormat and will accept his behaviour. You'll set yourself up for a lifetime of this. First you need to decide what outcome you want? Do you want him to apologise and promise it'll never happen again? If so he still needs to be held accountable for a long time. You need to decide how that looks and what will help you to forgive him. If the trust has gone and you feel its too big of a betrayal tell him you want a divorce and sell the house. He's either committed to you or he's now committed to her so it's a simple case of prove yourself (if that's what you want) or leave. Don't over complicate it by over thinking. Its scary to face the reality of what your future looks like now but its the quickest and simplest way to know where you stand and move forward in one direction or the other. Good luck x

I suggest you continue as if you have not seen it. You wont be able to trust him again even if he admits and says it wont. I suggest you see a solicitor asap get yourself financially stable or at least ensure you get 1/2 everything - take solicitor advice and then plan your escape. You deserve better.

Run lady, run!

Oh infidelity can be soul destroying ! Feel for you . Is this a recent occurrence ? Did you get an idea if they have met ? You have to have a direct chat and depending on his response take the next steps .. if he remorseful you can go the counselling way .. although from what I’ve seen and experienced he will be sorry only because he has been caught and most affairs don’t stop suddenly . It’s stop and start and you will be forever distrusting him . He is likely to cheat again . If he is defensive and puts the blame on you .. ditch. No easy answers - I recommend a counsellor .

As you're currently on holiday, now may not be the right time for confrontations. He proposed to you, he married you, yet 7 months later he's changed and messaging not just a random woman, but someone he knew 22 years ago! Once home, you need to have a calm conversation with him. He's changed, so what's changed? Does he regret marrying you? Is he bored with the relationship? If he tries to say there's nothing wrong etc. Tell him straight, you are not stupid and he needs to be honest. You then may need to 'lay all your cards on the table' and be honest that you looked at his Instagram, and know about XX. Depending on his answers, will give you an idea how you go forward. No one can tell you what to do, only you can make that decision.

Beautifully put.

Sorry I’m very late to this thread as only just come across it. How is everything op? @ElbowsandCrumbs what a horrible time to find all of this out. I’m going through a similar situation which has been going on since last Christmas, so can understand completely how you feel. Would be great to know how you are doing now, as I genuinely really feel for you xx

Eee what a creep I hope you dumped him