Do I stay for our son?

[bibliorose]

My partner (M, 33) and I (F, 30) have been together for ten years. We have a DS together (9).
Throughout our ten year relationship, my partner has cheated on me three times (that I know of). He's lost two jobs and, at one point, refused to go to work for any more than one day a week. We have spent the majority of our relationship in poverty because of his decisions.
I have supported him through the loss of his mother, which he found incredibly hard. I was patient with him when he was pretty vile to me for the first eight years, too.
After the last woman I caught him with, I said this would be his last chance. He had no job and nowhere to go, so I told him we would work on our relationship and revisit the situation in six months. He changed, and I have never felt so loved and happy (despite him getting fired again in the meantime and being unemployed for 18 months while I finished my bachelors degree, completed a masters degree AND worked 60 hour weeks to make up for the lost income).
Fast forward to now. He started a new full-time job in June. In mid-July, he told me he's starting talking to an old virtual friend from MSN back when he was a teen. Alarm bells started ringing because of his past affairs.
He talks to her A LOT. I have cried and cried over this. I have told him it risks our relationship, but I told him I would try to accept her as his friend. I dont wanna be the person who tells him who he can and can not be friends with.
But I can't do it. She sends him pictures of her nails and food, and they talk A LOT. All day, every day. For almost two months now. They have a 'connection', apparently. And I'm not cool with it.
I've had enough, to be honest. But every time I am ready to end the relationship, I struggle to think about the impact this would have on our only child. I never thought I would be in this situation. It's really painful, and I feel so stuck.
Has anyone else left a relationship/marriage with an only child? Or are you an only child whose parents separated around this age?

I'm surprised you're only just thinking of leaving. But please don't stay with him for your son. Your son will soon if not already pick up on the tension, I wish my parents had split up years before they did, it was horrible. Walking on eggshells, seeing mum crying because dad had done something again and again it was absolutely miserable. It really messed with my idea of what a relationship should be and as such I've made some questionable choices. You don't need to justify leaving, even though there's plenty of reason to.

I am generally of the opinion that when kids are involved you do what you can to work through things if it's at all possible but not if it's a toxic situation or relationship and yours very clearly is. I read somewhere once that it's not the splitting up that has the worst impact on the child, it's how you split up. Leave and be happy, your son will see you happy and that's so important. Do your best to keep things respectful with his dad but he has treated you awfully and you deserve so much better and so does your child.

Absolutely this !

Genuinely - how is staying with this man in any way beneficial longterm to your son?

Your timeline indicates that your son came along very early in the relationship. Perhaps you would have split up quite quickly if that had not happened. In any case, your partner sounds vile and the relationship should have ended years ago. Please end it now. Otherwise your son is learning that this is what relationships look like and this is how men treat women.

Oh, you've all been so reassuring. Thank you so much.

The thing is, we have a happy household. Aside from his issues, Partner and I get on so well. He's my best friend. I'd be losing so much. I'd be tearing apart our otherwise happy family.
He's just started his new job and we're in a 2x full-time income household. I feel like I'm throwing all this stability and happiness for my son away.
It's ridiculous, I know, but I often tell myself, "You can put up with other women, surely." But it's the impact on my ego, my self-esteem, and my self-worth.
Why is it so hard, lol?

Would he put up with another man? No! Of course not! And you shouldn’t put up with another woman either. He’s having an emotional affair with this women so he’s cheating for at least the 4th time. How many times is too many times? Leave him. You can split and coparent amicably and he can pay child support. You’ve just achieved your educational goals, now go out and put them to good use. Show your son what healthy self esteem looks like. Stop eating 💩 from this guy. If he was truly your best friend, he wouldn’t have taken the absolute piss out of you for a decade with other women and sponged off you. He chose to cheat and he chose to put you AND your son in poverty because he couldn’t be arsed to get a job. That’s financial abuse. Take the blinkers off and see this guy for who he really is. oh and you didn’t tear anything apart. He did when he chose to cheat repeatedly and make you and your son live in poverty. This is the result of HIS actions, not yours.

You would be tearing anything apart or throwing anything away..your partner has done that. This isn't your fault. I bet your son would happily live in a tent with you to both be happy and stress free. He's not your best friend, your relationship might be good the rest of the time but how often is that? Always being worried, always looking out for signs he's cheating again, always waiting for him to come home saying he's lost his job and you're now responsible for everything, again. Stay with him if you must but you'd be doing it for you not your son.

What would you say if you had a daughter who came to you saying the things you've written? What advice would you give her? What would you say to your best friend going through the same? It does really take courage to think of yourself and put yourself first.

Honey, think about the impact it will have on your child if you stay...

Children are not stupid, nor are they blind.

But your not a happy family. Partners in a happy family do not constantly cheat on their partners.

He's got you so fucked up you're wondering why you can't accept other women.

I assume by your education that you're quite intelligent, but this screams stupidity.

Leave, find your self respect and be happy.

Staying with this absolute, irredeemable shit is having a negative affect on your child. Children learn but what they see, and your child is seeing that a dysfunctional relationship where you are used and treated like garbage is okay. This is a harmful atmosphere for a child.
Leaving will benefit a child with a "father" like this. It is a myth that divorce always hurts children, in and of itself. In some cases the long term benefit cannot be understated and the harm only comes from how the shit parent behaves during and after the divorce. However, this shit parent is already behaving in those hurtful ways, so you cannot spare your child from that by staying.

Sorry, but you obviously do not have a happy family and he is not your friend. You've just been conditioned to accept much less than what you deserve.

Do you realize you just said that apart from serial cheating, being vile to you and refusing to work, you have gotten along well?
Do you not see how deluded that is? It's like Jackie Kennedy saying that apart from the murder, she enjoyed her visit to Dallas.

He did not change. He clearly only pretended to so you wouldn't leave, because he wants to keep you as a respectable front while he continues his depraved lifestyle. You are now seeing proof that he has not changed.

He's not your best friend, he lies to you and has no respect for you. Your son is 9 so will be ok, if he were younger I might say stay.

Don't stay for your son. Leave for your son.

Let him.learn about healthy relationships and self esteem, because otherwise the risk is that he will.learn to be like his father.

Staying for the sake of the child; well whose sake would you be staying for really because its certainly not your son's. It is not "easier" for you to stay with such a godawful sounding man either, a man who has indeed conditioned and otherwise groomed you into accepting far less than you deserve.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your father a serial cheat too?.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?.

You do not have a happy household; you writing that is complete denial and that is a powerful force.

Why is your bar set so very low?

You really need to work on that.

You have forgiven him 3 times already so the message he gets is that you will never leave him whatever he does.

Dont be a fool and get rid of him.