Cheating?

[Cattyhappy]

So my partner has a whole second profile on instagram under a hidden identity and his saved pictures and videos of vulgar half naked women. And just following normal profiles of women. Bare in mind we haven’t had sex in a year (for reasons we’ve spoken about). Is this cheating or is he just pleasing himself like porn? I also saw that he had searched up his ex. Ive mentally checked out of the relationship and I’m waiting to confront him about it. Self pleasure or cheating? Is this a big red flag to end things???

He's gross. It's time to leave him

Definitely seedier and creepier than watching porn. Think most women would be disgusted by this sort of behaviour.

Well I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a guy who watched porn. And I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a guy who perved on women as you partner is doing. The second profile just for this purpose is really creepy.

Just leave him already. Confronting him is just a ridiculous waste of time.

Mumsnets answer to everything is just leave him!
🤷‍♀️

That’s what I was thinking but some of these girls are just normal girls so why is he following them.

You've not had sex in a year, if it's not due to health issues and there's no affection either, that just leaves money and DC's as a reason - but only if you get on and work happily in other ways.
Considering there has been no sex, its not surprising he has an outlet elsewhere.

Well Op has said they have discussed the no sex. So he could, you know, leave the relationship if it was an issue for him instead of being seedy creepy perve.
If he needs an 'outlet' he can leave the realtionship.

I wouldn't date a man who watched porn, and I wouldn't date someone with a secret instagram account for that very purpose.

You say you have mentally checked out OP. Confront him if it brings you some closure, but personally I'd just say to him, this relationship is over. I can't respect you anymore because of your secret online activity. And walk away.

Why would you want to stay in this relationship? It sounds over and done, honestly.

Thank you for your advice! I do want to confront him and ends right now! However its our daughters 1st birthday coming up and I don’t want to ruin the atmosphere and also my mums 50th where we’re all going on holiday together. Do you think it’s best to wait till after the family occasions?

Thats entirely up to you OP. Whether you can not say anything until after those events.
Personally I probably wouldn't be able to not say anything. but thats just me. especially after a few margarittas on holiday I'd probably just let rip and ruin the holiday anyway.
From unfortunate experience I'd say its better to rip the bandaid off now, If it were me i'd tell him he isn't coming on the holiday (its his fault after all at the end of the day) and then enjoy a nice break with your family for your mums birthday.
And your little one won't know whats going on, so you can be civil with each other for their birthday, whatever you have planned, and go from there.

If and when you do confront him, don't let him minimise how you feel about it. It has hurt you, he would have known this (although he'll likely feign shock at that, as most of them do) and don't let him throw it back as you being jealous, insecure or over sensitive.

Do you think it’s best to wait till after the family occasions?

No. Why would you even want him to go with you?

Yes you’re both right. I think I’m just putting other things first because I don’t want it to cause stress especially for our daughter’s birthday but it’s not fair on me also.

So the no sex for a year happens to coincide with you having a child who is 1 years old. Drip feed there methinks.

Going against the grain I would probably go on the holiday & then split up afterwards.

Yes. I’m honestly just thinking about our daughter just somewhat enjoy the holiday as a family for the last time then end things.

… however I don’t think I can’t wait that long especially when he does stuff that irritate me. So it may just have to be after our daughters birthday.