Unrequited love within a friendship

[Laura2121]

Hello all

I recently developed feelings for one of my (newish) close friends whom I met through other friends. We would text for hours every day, he understood me like nobody else ever has, and I him. He was the first man in years that I have become so emotionally attached to. This level of depth I have never experienced with anyone. And it seems to be the other way round as well, only that, for him I was simply a close friend.

I found myself developing feelings for him, even though I know he has been trying to pursue someone else these last few years since their short fling a few years ago (before I met him). He still has her in his life as just a friend, she doesn’t feel the same way about him but they hang out. I also know that they don’t have conversations to as much depth as we do- he told me so when I asked him one day.

Recently I found out that my feelings for him were well and truly unreciprocated, and for that, I have had to make the heartbreaking decision to discontinue communication with this person. I never told him my feelings, but I feel he has guessed.

{our initial disagreement was that I felt it unfair for him to be talking to me so much and wanting to meet me 1:1 when he already has this other girl in his life. That he was being unfair to both of us. His response was to the effect of “well I just want to be friends with you, nothing else, so I’m not quite sure what the issue is.”}

Asking him to terminate communication with me has hurt him deeply; he is not even willing to tolerate seeing me in a group setting now due to this. But I don’t imagine that his hurt is anywhere near the pain I have felt in having to do this since I’m the one with feelings here. He cannot understand; I’ve not told him, and I fear it will truly be a permanent loss if I do. But to proceed with the friendship would be too painful for me.

I am wondering what to do and would really appreciate some thoughts on this. With thanks 💐

What's his situation, I.e., is it likely to change? (Young, kids or not, living at home or not, etc.) It could be that if you remain friends, and he grows older, he'll think of you differently?

It’s unusual to “text for hours” with a platonic friend tbh. I think he enjoyed the attention from you and it served as an ego boost in the absence of interest from the other woman (for whom he did have romantic feelings).

I don’t think that any man is truly naive enough to think that you can “text for hours” with a heterosexual woman and not be leading them on to an extent.

I think he’s a bit of a wrong’un.

You’re creating a fake rivalry with this other woman by trying to measure the intensity of their interactions. You don’t get to dictate who he’s friends with. All you can decide is whether you see him socially or not. You’ve decided not.

Agree with Reddog1. Sounds like a bit of plausible deniability being attempted at his end by denying the frequent communication meant anything, and he’s sulking because you’ve stopped his fun little ego boost. If he was a real friend, he’d understand and graciously give you space. Give it a few months and you’ll see it more clearly. Hugs cos it sucks x

Agree it's odd and he comes across as a wrong un.

I think he was definitely enjoying the ego boost/using you as a brain dump/fallback girl.

Some people definitely get addicted to constant text attention.

Not necessarily sexual, just as a brain dump or a distraction. Like having an intellectual wank.

You're like WhatsApp Therapist on call, and it's zero effort or energy on their part, just something to do when they're bored

(face to face friendships where they have to be polite and "real" are too much effort).

I restrict random texting and WhatsApp with people for that reason. For online dating either a meet is being arranged or they're dropped.

Especially as men often find women "easier" to target to chat to or waste time with.

If you suggest a coffee or a drink or say you have a physical job you need help with, they disappear. Or they agree then don't follow up, then back to messaging.

There's no actual real genuine friendship there, they just want to WhatsApp when they are bored.

He's angry now his free phone chat line has disappeared.

I'd 100% drop him and move on. Don't reply to any of the messages to reel you back in or block.

Hello all,

Thank you so far for your help. The situation was indeed misleading. The depth of our communications, let alone the frequency, was something that just doesn’t come round every day. What’s more, me and him both helped each other through some difficult times when we would find it hard to talk to someone that understood us as well as each other.

It is for these reasons that having to cut him off was difficult. I can’t get my head around the fact that he just couldn’t spot it; he was confused when I needed to go away on the back of him saying we are just friends. How can he not get it!! He’s normally a clever guy.

Oh well, as much as I valued his friendship, to try to continue any form of contact with him knowing what I know now would be too difficult. One of the sad tragedies in life in heterosexual friendships, when feelings develop from one side but not the other.

Thank you everyone for your help 💐

Why on earth can't he have both of you in his life?

Even if you were an item it doesn't mean he couldn't speak to the other woman?

You've just ruined a lovely connection over jealousy.

No she hasn’t. She’s saved herself a great deal of heartache. I think she’s a brave woman doing the right thing. I think you’re just putting the boot in.

Wow @Lampeter ... Harsh but holy cow...

I think I needed to hear this too?

But like a slap in the face but...thanks, I guess?! 😂

A few women probably need to read your post I'd say!

Tbh, it seems as if he might have attachment difficulties. He’s interested in pursuing someone who isn’t interested in him (the other woman) and simultaneously was happy to build an emotional connection with you while you were just a ‘’friend’’ in his head. The moment you confess feelings and it gets more real, he backs off and denies any connection ever existed. It’s textbook, and you did exactly the right thing backing off. Well done for being so strong.

This.

And he might be a bit slow on the uptake & not know about your feelings for him......he's not a mind reader! Might as well tell him now as it looks like you've stopped seeing him anyway.

I'll caveat all that with my initial thought that this was a bad plot for a soap.

Tim fancies Mary but she doesn't fancy him. Sue fancies Tim but he doesn't know.....but in any case, he still fancies Mary & so Sue has said he needs to break off contact with Mary. He wont do that so Sue wont now talk to Tim even though its breaking her heart.

Sorry I somehow missed the part where you didn’t confess, but if he guessed and then claimed you were just a friend, then as pp said that’s leading you on with plausible deniability. It’s not you, it’s him either way.

For what it's worth, I think you might as well be honest with him and explain why you would find it difficult to continue the friendship. He might be completely clueless as to your feelings. Some men really don't pick up on things.

If you're gonna cut him off anyway, I don't think you have anything to lose. And you never know, it might plant a seed in his head. For all you know, he might have always thought you were out of his league romantically. And then, once you're gone, he might realise what your connection actually is.

Maybe I'm a romantic and I don't want to give you false hope but life is too short.

You've made the right decision. It isn't a friendship and frankly it takes more from your life than it gives you. Friendships should leave you feeling uplifted and happy - and your discomfort is your body's way of telling you it's wrong. For you he's the only one you have this deep emotional connection with, for him the other woman is who triggers those feelings in him. You can never know why someone is attracted to a person, and why not. I do think (massive generalisation of course) women put more stock into emotional connection when they fall in love , and men care more about the general aura (attraction/feeling).

Don't waste energy on a friendship that won't work out how you want. You will feel even worse if he does end up in a relationship with someone. Focus on dating and finding the same connection, but reciprocated this time. Men know when a woman likes them, he just enjoyed the attention from you, which made up for the lack of attention from her. Plain old love triangle and you my dear are at the bottom. You deserve better and you will find it - just stay away from him.

And i think the clue that he isn't interested in you, is that he is pursuing another woman who isn't interested in him. Which means he's not shy or clueless, or unable to make a move, or needs certainty before he does - he is putting himself out on limb to woo this other friend after all. He's known you both and made a choice by focusing on her. Don't be his rebound fling to ease his disappointment at not getting her.

Not sure if OP is still reading as she hasn't posted for a few days.....

But in case she is, what struck me here is that, certainly in my experience, you sometimes CAN go "deeper", depending what "depth" means, with somebody you only intend to be platonic with, especially if it's someone or the opposite sex.

I have a male friend from early childhood (we were extremely close as kids - almost more brother and sister). Now it's one of those where we may not meet for years, but we keep in touch, sometimes more frequently than others, but can straight away go really "deep", if one of us is having mental health or work or relationship issues for example and needs advice/support.

I can speak to him totally frankly about my previous relationships, my sexuality, my guilty secrets, really personal private things, much as I would a very close girlfriend, because there is literally NO WAY we would end up in bed together - the thought disgusts us both, like incest.

If there was attraction and a desire to get together, there would be a need, even subconsciously, to present myself in a certain light, and therefore conceal some stuff, not to be deceitful, but just to remain attractive.

Does that make sense?

So OP, I think you may have to accept that the chat was SO deep because he views you as a (very good) friend, and not relationship material for him personally. (And that is NO comment on you as a person - we just fancy who we fancy. The friend I mentioned earlier is smart, funny, attractive and eligible. And I wouldn't shag him with a barge pole. Attraction is weird).

I think OP is being very brave and sensible to cut off the friendship if she finds it too painful. I probably couldn't do that - i would rather torment myself I expect. But it is definitely the right choice, because there is little indication he will change his mind. (Though of course, he might).

Textbook what?

not being sarcastic, genuinely interested

People with attachment issues tend to be interested in those not interested in them, and get close to those they feel ‘safe’ to get close to, and then back out when feelings may be reciprocated as they get afraid of actual commitment, when feelings might genuinely be mutual. It happens to me a lot. I get attracted to people I can’t have 🤣. Equally, he could also be after an ego boost leading her on. Or she’s read way too much into it and we’ll never know as we only know what OP has said here. She has done the right thing backing off.

I don’t understand the last paragraph. If you are are cutting off communication why would seeing him in a group setting be happening anyway?

He sounds like a bit of a player OP. Long intense messages definitely has romantic undertones but there’s another girl on the scene but he’s hurt that you want to break communication? He’s playing games.

You are right to discontinue the friendship, or at the very least keep your distance a bit until your feelings have died down.

Probably easiest to Google attachment styles. Some people cannot form close attachments, possibly due to early life trauma. It is often associated with psychiatric conditions.

Evening all,

Apologies that I haven’t logged on and posted on here in a few days. Thank you to everyone who has posted since my last post, for your insightful and useful comments.

The situation as it stands is that I have indeed stepped away from this friendship, for the foreseeable future.

In the leadup to this final decision-

I did tell him in the end why I was having to step back- I confessed my feelings. He then told me that he doesn’t feel the same way and just sees me as a friend. I asked him why he’d want to have intensive chats with me for hours every night if so. His response was most deflating: “You could be anyone: a man, a woman, straight or gay…it wouldn’t change how I feel about you”.

I then told him that I had to step back to heal. This would normally be something one would trust someone to respect in the circumstances, but it was tricky for him to respect this at first. Mostly because he just didn’t understand why I needed to step back.

He told me that he has Asperger’s syndrome. He told me that he is “not that smart with people”. It seems that he just cannot read others’ emotions or perceive them. In his head, I was stepping back for nothing.

He kept trying to contact me despite me continually asking for space. He kept coming along to group meetups that I was organising with our friend circle. I didn’t want him to miss out on social occasions since bless him he’s a lonely guy, but it did impinge on my healing to have him around during this time that I wanted to be away from him.

The last straw for me was when he asked me for a lift in my car to one of the group meet-ups. That was when I finally had to think about myself here. I had to be firmer than I have thus far been with him and have asked him in no uncertain terms to please stay away from me.

I really feel that this guy has zero perception, or respect, of my need for space from him right now. All he wants is for us to normalise, for it to go back to “that”, even though the connection we had benefits only him (and most likely his ego) but hurts me. I told him that his continuous foregoing of my boundaries when I have specially asked him for space, is changing my opinion of him. This, finally, made him take heed and retreat. He values me and he doesn’t want to lose value in my eyes.

I am enjoying being able to breathe and move on without him popping up into my space through any loophole he can find to get closer to me. It is sickening how he wants to get close without even feeling anything for me. It is behaviour that can seriously mess with the head- luckily I pulled out just in time. I envision not wanting to go back to being friends with this person at any point in the foreseeable future.

Crazy!!

Hello OP, I’m really fascinated by your post.

My current boyfriend evolved from one such scenario. We were constantly messaging each other exactly as you describe, and it was all-absorbing to me. To me I felt it was obvious we were in love, it was so close and attached.

Yet at the beginning he claimed it was just friendly and not crossing that boundary (as I asked him about it directly). He was also doing this with another woman, and it was confusing to me as he was not at all really promiscuous or a player, I’d known him for ages.

In the end he and I got together the normal way, off the back of a drunken snog, but he still doesn’t backdate our thing to include all the messaging build-up. I also had a nightmare trying to get him to shut down his other messaging relationship, which he was adamant was ‘just friends’ and I completely trust there wasn’t any sex, but he was just doing what your guy did to you. Seemingly wanting to be as close as he wished without realising the other person would obviously infer romantic feelings from it. It’s sorted out now but it was pretty annoying and confusing at the time. I know he hurt the other woman’s feelings, though he didn’t especially acknowledge it.

I think he must be very like your guy. All my friends were like ‘dump him, he’s having an emotional affair’ but it was so obvious he just didn’t understand. Anyway, he’s been a bit of a fixer-upper. But that’s another story. I just wanted to say I completely understand your post.

Thank you so much, I appreciate this. It’s incredibly difficult for me because he is missing me, and I am missing him, the deep connection we had was making both of us happy, and yet I can’t go back there. He does ask me when I can, but I can’t. It hurts too much 😪

It is upsetting knowing that it is only me who ‘feels anything’ in our strong connection, which he sees as purely platonic. He claims it’s his autism that refrains him from reading people thoroughly, hence I can’t even resent him for leading me on since he didn’t mean to.

I just don’t get it though- he’s emotionally closer to me than this girl whom he’s been pursuing these 5 years! He fancies her but they have little connection. I am the one whom he is able to enjoy that intellectual/ emotional stimulation with. And yet he doesn’t fancy me. He just wanted two women in his life, each to satisfy his different senses.

What’s also worth noting though, another twist in this mind-boggling tale, is that he once described me as ‘attractive’. When he said that, I did say to him that I find him so too, and he was then quick to point out that he wasn’t flirting 🤔

Combined with him saying how interested he is in getting to know me more. In wanting to get closer to me. Asking me to hang out 1:1. All throughout not fancying me? The guy isn’t gay….I just can’t get my head around it 🙆

What is clear though is that he truly has very little awareness on the impact that his ‘innocent and actually platonic pursuit’ can have on someone. Let alone, not understand why she feels she has to detach herself, with him left confused and asking when it’ll ‘return to that’.

I don’t know if I should even go back to that even when I’m over it since with such little awareness of what he did this time, he might do it again to me, all framed under the innocent guise of ‘but I just like you as a friend”. 🙂‍↕️

Hey OP,
This sounds like a crap situation, so my sympathies are with you.

I had a sort of reverse situation a few years ago: I was super close with a male friend (I'm female) but he had romantic feelings for me that I could never reciprocate. In the end he had to drop me as a friend, and I took it really hard. I found myself relating to some degree with your friend on that basis - he's not necessarily a bad guy or trying to lead you on or use you as an 'intellectual wank' or whatever other posters have said. Relationships, closeness, attraction etc are all complicated things and they don’t always align the way we'd like them to between two people.

All this to say: give him grace that he's not a bad person, just not able to give you what you want and deserve. You will get over him and find someone who can give you those things! And maybe after a good long time away from each other, you will be able to forge a new, less close, but more platonic friendship with this guy. Sounds like you're doing the right thing in taking the space you need to preserve your own happiness.

Good luck x