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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I move away with the dc’s? What a mess!

22 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 02/09/2024 18:43

Have posted before about dh. We have separated, not legally but in the process.
He now knows we will be moving out and when I said ‘we’ as in me and the dc’s (one is adult one is a teen) he said ‘No. I’ll take you to court, (youngest) will be living with me’
He doesn’t really look after her though apart from the school run. He lays around bed while I do everything! He works in the afternoons until 3 then some evenings for a couple of hours. That’s it. Drinking, bed, tiny bit of work.

The whole reason we’re going is to get away from him. Now I’ve heard that if I do move with them, the court could see this as bad. They could rule that dc’s have to stay in the home they’re used to. However dh did say he will also move out and I actually have this on an audio recording. (I’m trying to get as much evidence of his emotional/narc abuse as possible if ever needed) I have screenshots of messages from dd saying he’s shouted at her, nudged her, upset her, embarrassed her by putting her down in front of others…

I was going to pay the deposit on this new house tomorrow and now I’m panicking. Dd has said she doesn’t even want to see him when we leave. I was going to say she could be with him at weekends. I have my first appointment later in the week with the mediator then dh will go for his

I’m just panicking, we were so looking forward to this new house and getting away from dh but if dh is going to stop dd coming with me, it’ll just be hell. I don’t know what to do and also only just learned there is no legal aid for family courts any more. Another blow! I also worry that I earn more than him and this could affect things but despite earning more I do more for the dc’s and my work is flexible and mostly from home.

Can anyone help me with this muddle please?

OP posts:

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 02/09/2024 18:53

How old is the teen and where does she want to live? The adult child is neither of your responsibility to house, so he can't comment on wherever they move.

SauviGone · 02/09/2024 18:58

How's he going to stop your DD from coming with you... Lock her in the house?

I wouldn't worry.

You've talked about her having a phone (messages) and expressing her wishes, so on that basis I'm guessing she's old enough to make her own decision and he won't be able to stop her.

Chichix · 02/09/2024 19:02

If he's an abusive apply for an occupation order from NCDV. He will then have to leave.
Seek advice from your local domestic abuse service asap

Howdull · 02/09/2024 19:02

how old is your DD

Ponderingwindow · 02/09/2024 19:05

The court isn’t going to stop you from moving into a new home. It might stop you from moving far enough away that it prevents a barrier to a reasonable relationship between the father and the minor child.

Is your dc going to need to change schools? If not, then I wouldn’t worry about it in the slightest.

Tumblingjungleofchaos · 02/09/2024 19:06

Surely if she's a teen, any court would take her views into account.

And frankly, for all the shite men that say "I'm going to take you to court" very very few actually bother their arses to do so.

Dillydollydingdong · 02/09/2024 19:09

If she's older than 12, it'll be her decision. I'm sure a court won't go against her wishes.

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 02/09/2024 19:09

That’s a big relief. Thank you. I guess I will go ahead with the house tomorrow then!

OP posts:

Greytulips · 02/09/2024 19:10

If he can’t be bothered to look after her, he isn’t going to court to fight to see her.

How old is she?

Have you plans for schools, clubs, family friends etc - the court will want to k ow you have everything under control from doctors to dentists etc

Be brave. He can’t force her to stay. He could stop her enrolling in a new school though.

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 02/09/2024 19:15

She’s nearly 14. We would be moving much nearer to her school so she can walk there and back.
To get her to stay with him, I imagine he probably would lock her in the house knowing him. But as soon as dd says she wants to be with me and her brother, I don’t think he would get very far.
I was just concerned that the courts might say that as I am the one leaving the family home, then dd should stay in the family home. That would be against her wishes though and also if dh really is moving out, then there would be no family home apart from the new one I'm getting.
I don’t know if I would get an occupation order, I don’t know if things are bad enough for that. Maybe I should log what’s happened so far though in case it’s ever needed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 02/09/2024 19:20

@Greytulips it would be the same school so we would be closer. I have proof that I arrange all the appointments for her but dh always did anything that involved driving as I don’t drive and we live in quite a remote location. So I would go to all her appointments but he would drive. That could make things tricky but he really just did the school run and one extra curricular activity once a week, which his family pay for and he liaises with the organiser for that. However I make all the appointments for doctors, dentists, occupational health, eye tests, etc and he’s never bought her any school uniform or paid dinner money or been organised enough to ever know what kind of organisation actually goes into being a Mum.

OP posts:

Mumofoneandone · 02/09/2024 19:24

Just keep brief notes of everything - times, dates etc so should you need to, you can demonstrate a pattern of behaviour. Particularly anything relating to poor treatment of daughter.
Good luck!

Rory17384949 · 02/09/2024 19:33

Go ahead with the move, at your DD's age the courts are highly unlikely to force her to live with her dad.
Don't tell him when you're leaving for the new house though in case he tries something with DD. She could go somewhere safe for the day maybe - a friend or family's house? Or move when she's in school and be there to collect her and take her straight to the new house

suburberphobe · 02/09/2024 19:41

Get straight onto Women's Aid or a local DV organisation to find out the legalities of it.

Knowledge is power.

They can signpost you to lawyers dealing with DV who have experience and can help you.

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 02/09/2024 19:41

Yes the plan is to move on a school day and have her come out a bit earlier than usual. My friend could collect her in her car so that dh doesn’t spot anything. Hopefully mediation won’t take too long and maybe things will be agreed in a months time but maybe it will go to court. Will have to see how the first one goes I guess

OP posts:

tribpot · 02/09/2024 19:50

It doesn't sound like you're planning to move out of the area, or prevent access to your DD. That's what the courts would object to I think, not a local house move.

Good luck with the new place.

Pumpkinpie1 · 02/09/2024 19:50

Take a breath OP and calm down
You are moving close to her present school so she can walk there , it’s helps her independence , ability to access school whilst also cuts travel costs - important to a single parent family.
You are not being unreasonable. But you are giving your EX more control than he deserves/needs.
Keep going with your intended move . Don’t give any inches you don’t need to , his past behaviour has conditioned you to give in to him rather than face conflict, but now you are divorced / separated he can’t control you .

Your DD is old enough and mature enough to choose .
Thats what your ex H is scared of , having no one to bully or control

MounjaroUser · 02/09/2024 19:52

Your daughter is in her teens and doesn't want to see him. Her feelings would be taken into account. (Don't blame her for how she feels, either!)

BrendaSmall · 02/09/2024 19:57

My mother stopped me living with my dad , I was 11 at the time, I’ve barely spoken to her since, I’m now nearly 60!

TheCultureHusks · 02/09/2024 19:59

You don’t need to worry. At 14, she gets to decide.

I’d do the move as planned and when he kicks off, tell him that she decides for herself, and if he tries to control or bully her his only option will be court, which will fail, and the only result will be that she will be even less likely to even want to see him. If he wants a good relationship going forward, his best and ONLY option is to respect her wishes.

If he starts causing trouble I’d ask the school for help with it, which should scare him off.

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 02/09/2024 20:05

@Pumpkinpie1 this has helped so much, thank you. I will keep re reading it when I need to, to keep going.
@suburberphobe thank you, I completely forgot about them! I have emailed my local support service who I’ve been in touch with already.

OP posts:

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 02/09/2024 20:08

TheCultureHusks · 02/09/2024 19:59

You don’t need to worry. At 14, she gets to decide.

If he starts causing trouble I’d ask the school for help with it, which should scare him off.

This is excellent advice and very very true. The part I worry about is actually telling him that dd doesn’t want to live with him. However this could come out in mediation with the mediator there so that would make it easier. I think I will tell the school and also see if they have a counsellor while I’m at it

OP posts:

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