Feeling so down after marriage separation

[Mintyrain]

I separated from my exDH (marriage of over 20 years) 6 months ago. The marriage was always up and down but for the last 5 years or so it was awful - exDH was depressed, anxious and emotionally abusive. There had been no physical affection for a few years and he was irritated, cold and angry with me all the time.

I initiated the separation and at first when he moved out I felt very happy and free. It was so nice not to be living with his moods any more. But for the last few months I've been feeling terrible. We have two teen dc and they are with exDH at the weekends and 50% of the school holidays.

When the dc aren't here I feel so lonely and depressed. I have withdrawn from friends as they all think I should have moved on by now. I don't want to keep going on about how crap I'm feeling so it's easier to just not meet up.

Basically I don't feel I know what to do or where my life is going. I don't feel like meeting any new people or doing any new hobbies - I don't know what I would do anyway. I feel really adrift- I know my marriage was hard, but at least I had someone to go places with, watch a film with etc. If we'd stayed together we would have eventually downsized the house and retired somewhere together - now I have no idea where I will go when I need to sell the family house in a few years.

My exDH told me that I was a big part of his mental health problems. I have adhd and I know I can be sensitive. I have been into self development for years and done so much research into adhd, as well as general self development. I've been to counselling and worked on any behaviour patterns that I thought were dysfunctional. But I'm still wondering if I was the cause of the failure of the marriage and I feel so terrible about it.

I don't know why I'm finding it so difficult to move on. I think it's because my family was the main focus of my life and it's not the same any more. I am an introvert and a bit of a homebody - I don't love socialising, my exDH and dc were always enough, and I found being part of a family was all I wanted.

But I don't have that any more. I work, go to the gym and occasionally meet up with a friend, and that's it. I would like to maybe meet a guy in the future, but I've heard it's difficult to at my age (late forties) and I don't see how he'd fit into my life anyway.

I think I've been feeling worse today as my ex and dc went to a big family get together at exDH's brother's house yesterday. I was glad the dc had a lovely time but I felt so sad that I wasn't part of it any more, as I actually really like exDH's family. I've lost them as well.

I know this post seems like a pity party - sorry! It's just I can't really talk about this in real life. Has anyone felt like this and did it get better?

Why does he get them every weekend? That really shouldn’t be happening. You should get them for half the downtime, otherwise you’re just doing all the drudge work and he gets all the fun times. If your kids were witj you on half the weekend you would likely feel less lonely. Regardless, it would be a terrible error to try to get him back, and you would likely realise this within the first month. It might. Worth dipping your toes in the murky world of online dating when you’re ready, but remember, you’re still healing from a really hard relationship and it will take a while for the dust to settle. Give it a calendar year and then start thinking about your future.

@MayaPinion thanks. Yes I agreed to him having the dc every weekend as he would like them 50/50. I am able to provide more structure in the week with school, routine, clean clothes etc, so it made sense for them to be here in the family house for the week then with exDH at weekends. So they go there on Saturday around midday then stay the night, then I collect them on Sunday evening. I don't know if that's "fair" or not. At the moment they are with me 6 nights and with him 1 night. He has said he is happy to have them in the week then I have them at weekends if I would prefer that, but I think this current arrangement is best for the dc.

Yes, you're right, I do think I need to take time for the dust to settle after this long relationship.

It gets better I found. 9 months in and I had a new lease of life. Dated a bit. Booked things with friends. Consider what you’d like to do. Try not to push others away. I found therapy really useful. One day at a time.

Are you sure your friends think you should be 'over it' 6 months is no time at all. I would be pretty shocked if my friend went through a divorce and was 'over it' in 6 months. I would be expecting to be talking and supporting them for a lot longer.

I'm now a year and a half post separation (and divorced) and it does get easier. But there's still days you grieve what you 'should have had' even if you didn't actually have that at the end (a happy marriage)

I agree that every other weekend might be better. It gives you some quality time with the kids. And him, 2 full nights rather than just one?

Hang in there!

No advise just solidarity.
I'm at the opposite end at the weekends where I have my kids full time so if I'm not at work, I have them. I feel like I don't get a minute for myself. I feel like I'd like to find out who I am after the marriage break down but I just go home after work every day, kids go to bed, I do some work or watch TV and do it all over again.
I have no one to watch the kids so I'm feeling pretty lonely.

Sorry you're struggling with support. Hope you find some balance at some point, must be hard to have absolutely no down time

Thanks. Think I'm still dealing with the emotions of the separation. I'm sure as time goes on it'll get easier.

I'm sorry you haven't got anyone in real life to speak to about your feelings. 6 months isn't enough to be over your relationship. If you can, try and find one person and tell them at the beginning of the conversation that you can't be over it yet and you still need time to vent. Hopefully they will understand and listen to you.

All I can say, is that time is a healer. Might be a cliche but it's very true. You also don't need to accept the blame of your relationship breakdown. It didn't seem like it was working for you. Don't forget the way you felt whilst he was there and the emotional abuse.

Hope in a few months time you feel a lot better.

Sorry you are feeling low. What you have to remember is that the end of a marriage is like a grief. Whilst you are happy to be separated, it does mean you have an unknown future and that is unsettling. It just takes time to work through it. I don’t think you should blame your ADHD perhaps he was using that as part of the emotional abuse against you.

I think you should do things that make you feel good. Facials, reflexology, whatever you enjoy and perhaps some more counselling? I remember I went to this wonderful counsellor to talk about where my life was going. She helped me massively. You have to remember to be kind and take care of yourself.

I think it’s a mistake you not having the DCs at the weekend ever. You are doing all the routine and caring work in the week and at the weekend exDH is having all the fun. Where is your time to have fun with them, to go for dinner, cinema, bowling etc? There is no time in the week for that. It’s hardly surprising feeling lonely if you are alone every weekend. I would change the contact plan. Can he have them for tea in the week and then every other weekend? That seems much better.

It does get better honestly. When my Exh dumped me for OW I thought it was the end of my world. Now, many years later I am so so GLAD!

Keep posting here for support.

Why does he get them every weekend? That really shouldn’t be happening. You should get them for half the downtime, otherwise you’re just doing all the drudge work and he gets all the fun times. If your kids were witj you on half the weekend you would likely feel less lonely. Regardless, it would be a terrible error to try to get him back, and you would likely realise this within the first month.

I agree. What do DC think of this arrangement? Could they not go to him one weeknight instead? Your ex having all the fun while you do all the work is just a continuation of his selfish behaviour as a husband.

Weekends are fun, weekdays are school, structure and hard work.
You get zero fun days, he gets them all. While you do all the hard work and he has to do none. That's what's not fair about this arrangement.
A more fair solution would be that they have a set weekday with their dad (every tuesday f.e.) and every other weekend.

As for your healing process. 6 months is still early days. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with kind and compassionate people. Not your friends saying you should be over it by now. Let'ts talk again when it's been a year or two. Take your time. You're not supposed to be done healing yet, not if your marriage meant anything to you.
Take care of yourself xoxo

Can I ask how you’re doing now?

Use your free time to pour into your own health and wellbeing. Redecorate, exercise, meal prep, weight lift , do your Physio, floss etc

I am so sorry you are finding this tough . Please be kind to yourself - as six months is such a short time time to “ get over “ a long relationship , especially where there are kids involved . I would also as others have said try and move the contact between the kids and your ex to every second weekend as you are doing all the grafting and not getting any of the downtime ( other than holidays ) .
i do think that unless you have been through a separation , others may not appreciate how devastating it is . Your whole life and your future plans shift .

i wonder as well if your friends aren’t perhaps as sympathetic to you , as they see it as a positive and one you initiated . But that doesn’t mean that you aren’t experiencing grief and hurt over the ending of the relationship and the consequences of it , regardless of how this came about .
There is no right or wrong way to deal with it , you may want to hide away for a bit and avoid socialising too much . I certainly did that , but also realised that it was important that I did socialise and meet friends and took some time for me . Like you I had focussed on my family and had let some friendships drift .
It is hard and the firsts are hard e.g birthdays / Christmas etc . If you can afford it / get it free through your work I would try and access some counselling for you to allow you to process this .