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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone help me please.

5 replies

orangeskys · 02/09/2024 13:47

My daughter's dad is being soo awkward and has got vile and nasty. Our daughter is 16 months old and I've asked him soo many times to change his weekend shifts due to me not getting anytime to myself ever.

I have 3 boys too and they go to their dads every other weekend Friday til the Sunday but I still end up having my daughter, I have asked her dad to swap this soo I can have some me time or I can get a weekend bank job even decorate my new home that I moved into in February but he just won't allow it. He tells me he's asked his boss and that he ignores him etc I've been struggling with everything mentally because I am never child free and I have explained this to him and asked him to help me out by coming to an agreement about this for ages but as I've said he will not allow it to happen.

I've asked him to swap to the Saturday the boys go to their dads and said that he could get her after work the Saturday at 3pm and have her til 5pm the Sunday so it doesn't disrupt his hours as he always says he has to work and has to earn money, he has told me no he said he will go for full custody and get her because I am unwell and that he is now also going to stop paying me maintenance because he will be losing hours and stuff yet I've said to him it won't affect him as he will have her the Saturday AFTER work till Sunday at 5pm as he has Sundays off. He will also benefit from this too because he will get two weekends a month to himself to do what he wishes to do. He has now said he works another job and has deliberately booked in months of hours this weekend so It now seems as though I am messing with his work and makes me look like an asshole.

He only every works this other job as and when he wants and he doesn't have a contract with them, he's now deliberately done this soo he can't have her these weekends and he's also said to me what you want time to slut it about' soo the main reason for this is because he don't want me going out or meeting anyone new (which I defo don't want for a long time anyways as he's really put me off) he constantly uses our daughter as ammo, he says oh your just fucking yourself over and won't ever get a break from her, your stopping me seeing her, I'm no longer going to give you money, I'll take you to court and get her full time because your unwell, I won't bring her back and all this. I'm soo exhausted and drained. I'm currently at a family members and I don't want to go home. I'm a single mum off 4 and I deserve a break and it's really getting me down that I can't even go out and meet friends or paint my home as I'm always with my kids I get as a parent that's how it is but he's deliberately not having her those weekends when he could just to spite me.

I just don't know what to do? He keeps saying if I go to court he will get his way and it's pointless but why shouldn't I have a say ? She's with me 5-6 days of the week. It's not fair at all I'm soo sick of being mugged of by men all the time. Everything being their rules their way. I'm soo low and angry and exhausted from it all I just don't know what to do anymore.

Anyone with helpful advice is welcome but please no shitty comments and digs because I'm really not ok at the moment.

OP posts:
Clair001 · 02/09/2024 23:50

Could you not just take a walk into town at the weekends with the baby, stop and chat to people, you'll be surprised how much better engaging with others will make you feel, even walking round Tesco is better than looking at four walls, and you never know who you might bump into; also stop asking him to help out/have the baby, that way he loses his power as he's using it as a way to get at you, it sounds a little bit like he's not happy about the possibility of you meeting someone else, so forget about the decorating for the minute and look to making new friends and over time your need for him will diminish and that will be his problem. Facebook is another way, start a local group for Saturday mums to meet up, there are always others out there in the same position

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 03/09/2024 00:18

Please don’t make your daughter spend time with this arsehole. He’s clearly a shit dad and doesn’t deserve to have her in his life.

Yes it’s a lot and you need a break, but not from him. Go through CMS to get maintenance so he can’t fuck about. He won’t “get full custody” - that’s not a thing. He’s using it to threaten you. Similarly he’s withholding help to annoy you. Stop giving him the opportunity to continue abusing you.

Find other times and ways to get some time off. Maybe a local teen who can babysit one evening a week, or do a swap with another single mum on the weekends you only have one child with you.

You dont even need to leave the house - you could have a little sleepover for your DD with her cousins or nursery friends while you and the other adults have some nice food and a drink downstairs. Anything but begging this waste of space to help you out.

Dery · 03/09/2024 01:37

The early years are very demanding, especially to do on your own. Can your family member watch your little one while you go out or have a break? Or as PP have said, do you know any local teenagers looking to do a bit of babysitting? Your ex won’t help; that’s clear. Or, as has been suggested, perhaps you could swap babysitting favours with a local mum or two?

orangeskys · 07/09/2024 08:17

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 03/09/2024 00:18

Please don’t make your daughter spend time with this arsehole. He’s clearly a shit dad and doesn’t deserve to have her in his life.

Yes it’s a lot and you need a break, but not from him. Go through CMS to get maintenance so he can’t fuck about. He won’t “get full custody” - that’s not a thing. He’s using it to threaten you. Similarly he’s withholding help to annoy you. Stop giving him the opportunity to continue abusing you.

Find other times and ways to get some time off. Maybe a local teen who can babysit one evening a week, or do a swap with another single mum on the weekends you only have one child with you.

You dont even need to leave the house - you could have a little sleepover for your DD with her cousins or nursery friends while you and the other adults have some nice food and a drink downstairs. Anything but begging this waste of space to help you out.

He's done loads more since this. He's just being extremely difficult and awkward, he had her Thursday and was slating me constantly too the middle person who is now the in between person for us so I don't have to see him or have to deal with him and he gets to see his daughter still which I arranged like the police officer said too and he has said all on camera that he isn't going to take me to court and he wants me too and when I do he will get full custody, he also threatened to just keep her and not return her to me.

OP posts:
orangeskys · 07/09/2024 08:18

Dery · 03/09/2024 01:37

The early years are very demanding, especially to do on your own. Can your family member watch your little one while you go out or have a break? Or as PP have said, do you know any local teenagers looking to do a bit of babysitting? Your ex won’t help; that’s clear. Or, as has been suggested, perhaps you could swap babysitting favours with a local mum or two?

Edited

Unfortunately it's not as easy as that, because of the stuff I've been through I find it hard to trust anyone as I've been shit on soo many times 😔

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