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Original poster

Dating someone 1month.. he's still on the apps - right/wrong?

13 replies

VictoriaL123 · 02/09/2024 10:47

Helloooo lovely people,

I am in a weird scenario I want some advice on!

Recently divorced (18m separated from partner, was only a short marriage 2yrs so fully ready for a new long term relationship and as stated on my online dating profile)

Back into the online dating world now and been on a few dates here and there that never materialised.

Met a guy online, started talking around 5 weeks ago and met up for our first date a month ago - we've had 6 dates in that time, slept together a few times and he stayed at mine once and vice versa.

Yesterday he was showing me his screen time on his phone as he was saying how he doesn't use instagram and is going to delete it.. and then I clocked he's been using Hinge. It was up the top so one of the most frequent used apps.. I made a joke saying, oh hinge eh ;-) and laughed - he looked sooo embarrassed and changed the subject. He then couldn't have been nicer to me for the rest of our evening / planning future dates etc..

Now my question is - I know we are not 'exclusive' we haven't had that convo yet, I know it's a bit early.. but it's left me feeling a bit deflated this morning. I have still got the apps but haven't felt the need to use them since dating him as I see it going somewhere and don't have the mental capacity to date two people at once.

Do you think I am being unreasonable for it to bother me? Or do you think I should let it go...? I guess the niggle in my mind is.. if he really liked me he wouldn't be on there still.. so am I just a filler until someone better comes along? :(

I was hoping he'd address it but it was never mentioned again.. he is very busy with work any way and finds times to squeeze in dates with us which I appreciate and he's been very keen so far - so I genuinely don't know when he'd have time to date anyone else.. but maybe I'm naive and he has been just lying about what he's up to (when we text every day)..

Any way.. any advice would be welcomed as to whether I should mention it or not! Thank you :)

OP posts:
ThisIsaNiceDress · 02/09/2024 12:10

Only you know the answer. If it bothers you you should mention it. Just say, I’ve noticed you are still using the dating app, so I wanted to clarify at this stage how you see our relationship?
don’t feel needy or anything like it for doing so, you have every right to ask the question at any point you want to. Just make sure you know what your response would be to different answers you might get…

RaspberryBeretxx · 02/09/2024 12:18

This would bother me. Fair enough if you were just meeting up for dates and taking things v slowly more on a friendship level but I wouldn’t want to be sleeping with someone and them still dating others or looking to. Even if it wasn’t particularly serious rel or I wasn’t looking for anything serious I’d want exclusivity while having sex. He clearly realises it’s a bit out of order too!

I think maybe just mention it in a non accusatory way and see what he says. I’d probably just frame it as wanting to be on the same page so if he’s just dating around still, you’ll keep doing the same.

Crushed23 · 02/09/2024 12:22

Honestly, it’s only been a month, and by the sound of things you haven’t discussed being exclusive.

Maybe try to have that conversation sooner rather than later if you think you are ‘falling’ for him?

ThisIsaNiceDress · 02/09/2024 12:23

In my world if I’m dating someone and sleeping with them the default is exclusive, with explicit conversation or without. But I’m old fashioned 😂

Cinai2 · 02/09/2024 12:24

I think I’d have a chat with him about being exclusive at this stage. Then you’ll know where you stand and can make a decision for yourself.

Pinkbonbon · 02/09/2024 12:29

Time for an exclusivity chat.

'So I think we aught to clarify, are we moving forwards exclusively now?'.

If he says no or umms and awws it's game over, he's wasting your time. And you just say 'OK well that doesn't work for me as I feel there's been ample time and... activities, to determine that. So, all the best but I'm out'

Original poster
VictoriaL123 · 02/09/2024 12:58

Thank you everyone for replying! I'm glad it's not just me.. I've been out of the game for a while and wondered what the dating etiquette is these days 😂

I agree though, I think in my head if I'm sleeping with someone, that is exclusivity in my eyes.. so I need to check we're on the same page.. I will have the chat sooner rather than later as it definitely has bothered me and don't want to waste time if we're not on the same page!

OP posts:
ouch321 · 02/09/2024 13:02

"Exclusive" as some kind of concept only became a thing a few years ago. A trend adopted from America as I understand it. Before that common decency would prevail and it wouldn't occur to anyone that they'd even need to ask because that basic level of respect existed. You'd be seeing one person at a time and only if things didn't work out would you look for another option. Yet another sign of society becoming more and more unpleasant.

Original poster
VictoriaL123 · 02/09/2024 13:05

ouch321 · 02/09/2024 13:02

"Exclusive" as some kind of concept only became a thing a few years ago. A trend adopted from America as I understand it. Before that common decency would prevail and it wouldn't occur to anyone that they'd even need to ask because that basic level of respect existed. You'd be seeing one person at a time and only if things didn't work out would you look for another option. Yet another sign of society becoming more and more unpleasant.

I completely agree -I am 33 for reference, and I don't see the point in still looking on the apps if I'm dating someone, in my eyes you see where it goes and if it doesn't work out then start again. But I know that is not the same view for everyone, even some of my girlfriends date multiple people at once, it's just not for me.

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 02/09/2024 13:27

VictoriaL123 · 02/09/2024 13:05

I completely agree -I am 33 for reference, and I don't see the point in still looking on the apps if I'm dating someone, in my eyes you see where it goes and if it doesn't work out then start again. But I know that is not the same view for everyone, even some of my girlfriends date multiple people at once, it's just not for me.

Show quote history

That’s easy to say when you’ve got time on your hands, so to speak.

My friends who are a little older (late 30s - early 40s) multi-date in order to find a potential longterm partner, as OLD really is a numbers game. So many time wasters who talk the talk for months and months before backing out when it’s clear the woman wants commitment.

Original poster
VictoriaL123 · 02/09/2024 13:37

Crushed23 · 02/09/2024 13:27

That’s easy to say when you’ve got time on your hands, so to speak.

My friends who are a little older (late 30s - early 40s) multi-date in order to find a potential longterm partner, as OLD really is a numbers game. So many time wasters who talk the talk for months and months before backing out when it’s clear the woman wants commitment.

Show quote history

Yeah I get that with early stage dating for sure! I just think that once you cross the line of sleeping together.. then I would like to think it's not with multiple people - but I think perhaps I'm being naive 😂

OP posts:
Amazingday · 02/09/2024 13:59

OLD is a new dating world where you have to have the deleting apps conversation.

First guy I dated for months, I assumed we were exclusive as seeing each other few times a week and daily conversation. Turns out he was still looking, and I hadn’t had the conversation with him so we weren’t exclusive.

current DP we had that conversation very quickly. Think it was after 4 weeks. I remember him just saying he deleted the apps after our 3rd date and only wanted to date me, whilst I was drying my hair. He had to repeat it. I naturally stopped using the apps after our 1st date. I was going to have the conversation but he got in first, but the amount he saw me and texted me I knew he was keen and would have found it hard to date someone else.

Original poster
VictoriaL123 · 02/09/2024 17:56

Amazingday · 02/09/2024 13:59

OLD is a new dating world where you have to have the deleting apps conversation.

First guy I dated for months, I assumed we were exclusive as seeing each other few times a week and daily conversation. Turns out he was still looking, and I hadn’t had the conversation with him so we weren’t exclusive.

current DP we had that conversation very quickly. Think it was after 4 weeks. I remember him just saying he deleted the apps after our 3rd date and only wanted to date me, whilst I was drying my hair. He had to repeat it. I naturally stopped using the apps after our 1st date. I was going to have the conversation but he got in first, but the amount he saw me and texted me I knew he was keen and would have found it hard to date someone else.

Thanks for this comment, I think thats it - I need to have the convo asap! Then least I know one way or another... your DP sounds lovely and least you didn't have the whole having to bring it up thing :D

OP posts:
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