I’m struggling

[Sweetlove23]

I ended things with my situationship and I’m just finding it so hard. I know it was the right thing to do and it took a lot of guts to say I think we should stop because I have feelings. He was fine about it but I just feel so sad. I’ve cried so much, I feel stupid for it. And the anxiety feeling sits in my stomach constantly. Like I’m never going to talk to him again or the thought of him with someone else makes me sick. I finding it hard to focus and function. My self esteem and self worth is really low.

i know he’s not worth all this energy and I don’t want to feel this way but how do I get myself out of this and start to feel better ?

has anyone been through this? When do you start to feel normal.

Anyone?

Sit with it. It will hurt for a while, but it will start to get better.

Do self care etc. Stay busy.

how long has it been since you ended it? How long were you with him?
I think the main thing is to keep busy and get somethings in the diary to look forward to. My go to is decorating as daft as it sounds - making a room look nice and transformed. Gives me something really nice to focus on and appreciate when done.

@Gonk123 a few days so very new. I know I need to get out and I am making myself but then I get home and feel rubbish again. We weren’t really together but it was just a very intense time over about 8 months.

Do you think it’s because part of you wanted him to say he felt the same and it became an official thing?

Hi,
This is exactly my situation right now, 8 months with him, I ended it as I I knew he couldn't meet me where I wanted him too. But I'm like you, so sad, only been a week. He didn't fight for it either which makes it harder. Keep busy hun, it does help x

@HardWorkToWatch basically yeah. But he sort of said he didn’t see why we needed to end it and then said he understood and I had to do what was best for me.

@Laura7777 i might DM you, we can keep each other sane lol

Breakups always hurt like hell OP
But the feelings do fade…
Look after yourself, eat well, watch a funny film, read a good book, go out for a walk and a cofffee.
Time heals the pain ….

Of course hun, I need that right now lol.

Hey OP sorry you're going through this.

Try Ashwaganda it's a natural supplement that will really help you. If your chest is feeling tight try vicks Vapo rub. Speak to samaritans call twice a day if you have to. Everything is raw right now but i promise you'll be ok.

@mimichitchat93 thanks for the tip on the Ashwanda. It’s more really bad anxiety that makes my tummy hurt. I’ve never had that before.

Awww if it hasn’t been long you need to give yourself chance. It doesn’t cure overnight. Think about what you do want from someone. Maybe shut things down a little sooner if it’s not right in future rather than hanging on in there. It’s really really hard. You will get over it though, have faith. Take care and go easy on yourself.

Been there, OP and it’s horrible.

Took me much longer than it warranted to move on in a similar situation, but eventually realised that it was all the ‘potentials’ that I felt sad about - most of which I’d imagined / hoped for rather than being realistic.

Give yourself some time, let yourself feel what you feel - do NOT contact him / be tempted to go back ‘just in case’…

Good luck x

It sounds like you developed feelings for him, and now it feels as though they aren’t reciprocated. I would feel exactly the same as you - in fact, I did a few years ago when I ended a very, very long “situationship”

it does affect your self esteem and confidence, because essentially it’s unreciprocated feelings and if you were physical, it ends up feeling as though you were kind of used in a way.

I agree with other posts, look after yourself now - lots of self care and give yourself other things to focus on. Remind yourself of your good qualities and spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself and lift you up. That’s what you deserve. Don’t waste your time on men who simply aren’t committed or going to give you what you want and need. Life is short and you deserve happiness. The anxiety will eventually lift in time.

@Gonk123 thank you. I know I need to be clearer with my boundaries in the future that’s for sure.

@YellowGuido how long did it take you to move on? Like the thought of being with anyone else is a no no so I know I need to work on myself.

no contact is so hard, I’m so tempted to contact him. he messaged last and I never replied.

@RichTea90 yea I started to get more feelings than I should. And ended it before I went in too far but it’s still so hard. I think it’s the rejection that I find hard. Like why am I not good enough? I’m in a situation where I can’t actually commit to him right now however he has always made it clear he never wanted this to be anymore than what it was and when I ended things, said the same, I don’t want a relationship. So it’s like why not. What’s wrong with me? Just trying to find things to distract me but he is in my thoughts a lot.

You say you are not in a situation where you can commit right now so realistically you and he were on the same page. No need to feel you are not good enough, you took the lead and ended things to protect yourself as you had started to develop feelings.
Reframe things in your mind, you couldn't commit so ended it which was a strong and decisive thing to do. You will be ok, as others have said distract yourself with friends, hobbies, self care etc and stay no contact with him. It takes a while but you will get over it and when the time is right find someone you deserve and who does want a committed relationship rather than a situationship.

A fair while, but that was largely due to realising that I’d let myself fall so hard because I was dealing with the end of my previous, abusive relationship.

The new relationship made me happy again, and he made me feel so safe and seen that I ran away with my feelings - imagining a future that was never actually on the cards.

It’s really tough. Just take your time x

@YellowGuido thats kind of similar to me, I’d been in a relationship with someone who used alcohol to escape. I was really unhappy and then he came along and made me feel happy but like you I think that’s why I caught intense feelings and I’ve wrapped myself up in a fantasy that will never exist. It took a lot for me to say, I think we should stop because I have feelings. It’s hit me really hard.

You're describing feelings of love and loss

Its important that you truly understand why you ended it. If you ended it because it didnt match how you imagined it would go in your had then some hard thinking must be done

Did you subconaciously want him to chase you when you talked of ending it, to see how strongly he felt and then were disappointed with his calm response ? We dont really know his thoughts or emotions, that is the unanswered question

You’ve had breakups before, and you healed didn’t you, when enough time had passed?

You will do so again, and sooner than you think.

Accept something inside you told you it wasn’t meant to be… and it seems he expressed similar. It’s done. It wasn’t for you. It’s possible you will run into wonderful things soon, whether that’s an experience, or a better matched man for you.

Softly release him, and wish him well in your heart and mind, you will feel better for it.

It is healthy to have a good cry; get it all out, but important to remind yourself once you have stopped crying why you wanted out. It is easy sometimes to put people on a pedestal after a relationship; our brains are hard-wired to lean into the good stuff because it keeps us feeling safe, but we end relationships because we are not happy. What can then follow is a period of panic about being alone, or doubting our choice... a choice that you made for a good reason. Write a list of reasons why you wanted out, what you didn't like about him, or you two together, and put them on post it notes around the house, or put a list on your phone and when you feel upset, read it!