Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling confused -DV

7 replies

Beautyturnedbeast · 02/09/2024 07:13

I'm not sure what I'm asking.
Basically I left a DV relationship 4 months ago. It was complicated as we were together 12 with nothing at all and as soon as our son was born 3 years ago it started. We since have had a girl.
I knew I had to getvout as it wasn't healthy for our kids and his anger started to be directed at them.
But I'm so confused. I'm going to counselling before anyone suggests that. I honestly still feel so sorry for him. I know he's had some sort of reaction to becoming a parent. Whether it is a trauma response (he had childhood with a sick dad) or some sort of mental health issue.
I dont want to get back with him ever and that's not what I mean but it still breaks my heart thinking about how low he feels. I tried for 2 years to get him to go to speak to someone but he couldn't see that he was the problem. He just blamed me.
I'm still struggling myself with the trauma from everything. It was quite bad to the point he tried to kill me twice. There was a lot of nme calling and spitting on me or slapping me. I really have no desire what so ever to get back with him but I just can't help feeling so emotional all the time.
It's like there's a version of him deep I side that I know is a kind and loving person. I knew him for 12 years. It just kills me that for whatever mental health reason he's lost that person and is his self destructive monster. I feel sorry that my children will never see that version of him. I wish so mich he could sort himself out and be a positive person in their life. But I also feel sorry for him that he is so miserable.
I know you can't help someone if they don't want help so not even sure what I'm asking advise on here. Maybe I just need someone to talk to about how it feeling. The counselling has been great but once a week isn't a lot and at night sometimes I get very emotional.

OP posts:
Tbskejue · 02/09/2024 07:26

Well done for leaving OP; the reasons you describe are what makes it so hard to leave. With my ex I knew that within him was still the person I’d loved and similarly how he was acting was trauma related but equally my role in his life was not to “save” him and “heal” him which is what it felt like at times. That took a long time to understand and it took time to heal.
it’s not uncommon for DV to start after a woman had a baby; generally though it’s more about control, about knowing you can’t just leave, that they are no longer number one and that you love the baby more. I wonder as you progress in counselling if you’ll see more early signs of control and possessiveness

Whatatodo79 · 02/09/2024 07:29

Is he ill or distressed though? Apart from
being unacceptably dangerously awful to you, have you got any evidence for that? Has he lost his job/other relationships etc? He may have just behaved like this because he's a dreadful person and he could. Not everyone has a mental health diagnosis

Wish44 · 02/09/2024 07:39

hi op, my dp totally changed after we had a baby’s ( together 6 years before and he was lovely to my two dc) I couldn’t and still can’t really wrap my head around it. The thing that makes the most sense is that he has an idea of mothers that involves them being at fault for everything and being the whipping post of the family. It’s heartbreaking as I am now having to leave. He is blaming me for that also. I try not to think about it too much (easier said than done) as if they won’t address it there is no hope. I do still live in hope that when we move out he will go and sort it out… but I know he won’t. Good luck op. Just concentrate on you and your DC.

NoMumLeftBehindLiz · 02/09/2024 15:29

Similar situation here but no violence thankfully. 5 years later and his mental health still isn't great. He makes choices every day not to get help and that has an impact on my child's life. I have realised I can feel sorry for him AND be incredibly angry that he will not get the help he needs.
Walking in nature, running and talking to friends about it all helps me process these feelings and keeps me sane and strong for my child

Cinai · 02/09/2024 15:34

So sorry OP, this must be incredibly difficult! I don’t have advice, but I admire your strength to walk away!

MsMarch · 02/09/2024 15:39

The chances are he has covert narcissistic personality traits (I couldn't say if he is a narcissist or not - I'm just making the point that these are characterestics) - they key defining factor of which is an inability to take responsibility or accountability. This translates often into a sort of weirdly disordered thinking - the person is very unhappy but feels they are the victim, refuse to seek help and, often, have long and complex reasons why they have been treated badly which, when you break them down, are completely batshit crazy.

The sad truth it is this vulnerability and genuine unhappiness that they also use to control and manipulate people. I don't even think they do it on purpose most of the time. I know one like this.. I loathe him for a million reasons but I also feel sorry for him becuase I know that he genuinely thinks that we all hate him because we are terrible people and his life has been ruined because he was part of our family for a while.

so, for example, the physical abuse, even if the person says something like, "I know I shouldn't", it's followed by "but" ... "but I didn't know what else to do " "but my world was crashing down on me" "but my mental health is and was so terrible I wasn't in control".

Also, I'm sorry to say he will never be a positive version in his children's lives. Fo ra start, he is a physically violent man so that's always going to be a problem. More relevant, even if he stays in touch with them, he will shift his victim mentality to them. These are the people who are outraged that their 15 year old isn't calling them weekly or who will tell their children that they could have done x or y, but couldn't because they had children or because of the children's mother or whatever.

Beautyturnedbeast · 02/09/2024 18:58

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied. I think even just talking it out and validation there isn't anything I can do helps.
To answer the question about his behaviour, he does have other issues which made me think he had depression. He'll take to his bed for days at a time. Has not gone into work a number of times and not bothered to phone in sick. To be honest, I don't know how he hasn't lost his job!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page