Advice please - Husband is amazing but never kisses me/hug etc

[potatohare]

Hi everyone,

I’m 31F and my husband 32M, we have a 4y old daughter and I’m currently pregnant with our second baby. My husband is a great partner and a wonderful father, we both wfh 90% of our time so are “together” a lot (though I don’t consider being in the same room focusing on different things quality time whereas he does), we both do chores around the house and take care of our daughter equally, he’s a hardworking, trustworthy, intelligent man and we have a really good partnership. The problem is that my husband has never been much affectionate, he’s not a hugger, a kisser and we can go on months without sex. For example, the last time he kissed me properly was when we were trying for a baby 8 months ago and since then there’s been no kiss at all, not even a little one.

He also doesn’t seem to mind that we never go out as a couple (we live in the UK and have no family nearby but could easily afford a babysitter once 1-2x a month), he doesn’t initiate sex a lot as well (which was hard for me at first but now tbh I got used to it though I do still miss feeling desired) - and it’s not like I don’t take care of myself, we’re a good looking couple, I always make an effort to look nice around the house, I’m a good mum and a good wife, I don’t understand why he just doesn’t show his affection, it’s not like I’m asking much, just some passion, some unexpected hugs from behind when I’m cooking, a little smack in the bum here and there when I’m walking around the house, a little kiss here and there… He does show affection in other ways (eg. yesterday I got a bit upset our shopping delivery didn’t bring my fave choc pudding and today when he took our daughter to the playground, he shopped around and found it for me as a little surprise).

He’s such a lovely man but lately I’ve been wondering a lot if we’re more friends than actual romantic partners and it so, how to change that? Idk if it’s because I’m heavily pregnant and feeling more emotional that this is bothering me more than usual but it’s been hard, I’ve been crying a lot the past couple days and just speaking to him when necessary because I feel like I’ve talked so much about this in the past that if I talk again now it will just make me breakdown in front of him and nothing will really change.

In the past, when I mentioned this lack of affection and that we needed more date days just the two of us he’d say he’ll make an effort but this never happens. I tried doing dates at home too (board games/movie nights/videogame nights) but he’s never really interested and I always feel like I’m begging for his time. He’s quite introverted so I wonder if maybe that’s just who he is and I need to either learn to accept my solitude or if there’s anything I can do to make this better… I just want some romance in my life and Idk how to achieve it =/

Sorry for the long post and thank you for anyone that might read it and have some advice for me.

I’m not sure what you want? You’ve told him your concern, he’s said he’ll change, he hasn’t.

Marriage is about compromise, I guess if he wasn't thoughtful and hands on then that would be more concerning. You say he's an introvert, perhaps the lack of affection is part of this or perhaps he was starved of affection as a child.

Ask him if he'd be happy for a man to treat your daughter like he does.

You want him to smack you on the bum when walking around the house?

If my husband smacked my bum as he walked past I'd punch him. That isn't affection?! Ultimately he shows his affection in other ways, getting you the chocolate you were disappointed didn't arrive, that's a nice thoughtful gesture. He has a lower sex drive than you (always our just when you are pregnant?) and isn't one for demonstrative physical contact. I think you're either ok with that or you're not, but knowing he's like this I'm not sure why you thought a second baby was the answer.

Personally I don’t think there is a partner out there that meets 100% of our needs all the time. It’s a compromise when finding a partner ie does this person meet enough of them to both be happy.

But if he’s not meeting enough of them for you to be happy, you may need to leave and go find someone that does I guess.

@IsometimeswonderwhoIam I agree that marriage is about compromise and have diminished my expectations a lot when it comes to physical affection but when I realised I didn’t even get a single kiss (or even a peck) in 8 months that when it hit me that maybe I compromised too much. I know he loves me because he shows with his care but I’m human and physical intimacy matters in a relationship too - or at least for me, it does. It wasn’t like that when we were dating, idk what changed, our relationship just got stronger with time but it feels the closer we got in other aspects, the more distant we got in physical intimacy (not just sex but cuddles, everything).

I don’t think he was starved of attention as a child from what I know of his family and childhood but I do think maybe his introvert traits are getting stronger (maybe bc he doesn’t have much space for himself with work, kid, chores etc - but then, I’m also a bit of an introvert, also don’t have free time for myself but I’m still here practically begging for attention so idk.

I read another thread talking about a book of love languages, maybe I’ll give it a go and see if it helps me understand/accept this, I just don’t know if I can spend my life this starved of physical affection, I miss having a little kiss here and there, I miss feeling wanted…

How long has he been like this? If he’s always been like this, then unfortunately you knew what you were getting in for when you married him so it seems unfair to want him to change himself now. Maybe you were never compatible romantically

@GagaBinks this was an example, it’s not in a crass way but like, when I pass by him sometimes I tickle him a little or give a little kiss on the cheek or a little grab in his bum when emptying the dishwasher (not that I do these things all the time, but you know the little banter married people have), that’s what I meant by it - if that’s the only thing you got from my post though then I don’t even know what to say because obviously this is not my main issue.

@MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira the smack in the bum was an example, I didn’t mean it in a crass way, it’s like when you’re walking around the house and give a little peck on each other’s mouth or cheek, another time maybe a little hug, or a cheeky bum pat when bending, yk what I mean? But that was just an example, to be honest what I miss the most is kissing (again, we haven’t kissed - not even a peck - in 8 months), I miss feeling wanted, miss wanting someone to spend quality time with me, to take me out to dinner, to play a game together, anything really… I’m starved for this kind of attention and I don’t really know what to do to make it better.

I don’t regret our decision of having another kid because our marriage is strong af and honestly, we’re a great team and very good parents, I’m proud of us as a couple and I know we love each other very much, I just can’t get over this need of more intimacy and wanted to see if anyone has suggestions on how to make this better.

Regarding the sex drive, his has always been lower - he never says no to it if I initiate it and ofc he enjoys it but he’s almost never the one who start it (he does have an issue of very premature ejaculation which I think affects his self esteem when it comes to sex but I never made a big deal out of it and always said I’m happy if he’s happy - if he wants to look for help, good and if he doesn’t, that’s fine, we can have our fun other ways too, I’m very understanding about it and would never diminish him for it - the kind of affection I’m craving goes deeper than that, it’s those small things in the day to day like a good morning kiss, a little hug, a good night kiss..).

This is really sad OP. To not have had a kiss from your husband in 8 months must make you feel so lonely. I don't think a marriage can survive without sex - it's what bonds you together even when times are hard. Friends are nice but you didn't marry him because you wanted a housemate.

Have you discussed counselling or therapy, either separately or together or both? I would be honest with him, let him know the lack of sex and affection is a problem for you, and open a discussion about how things can change.

Ultimately he may be happy with how things are but you're not, so it can't go on like this.

I saw a post today that said, "better to admit you've walked through the wrong door than to spend your life in the wrong room." Maybe you're both in the wrong room, OP. Wishing you luck.

I know exactly how you feel OP and I think the first few replies are lacking in empathy. I could have written your post ten years ago.

It’s very hard when everything about your relationship is good except the intimacy between you and dh. From the outside it looks perfect - a great home to raise kids in, two incomes, shared parenting, two healthy attractive adults who once had a good sex life and established a marriage based on mutual attraction and love. And yet from the inside it feels hollow because you have lost that connection and you’ve really no idea why. You can throw yourself into loving the kids, but you need and miss that adult relationship. I don’t agree it is just the icing on the cake, or the compromise that you should be prepared to make in exchange for the other stuff being good.

It does eat away at you - pregnancy hormones or none, you wonder why you lost that connection.

After a decade trying to understand what changed, I concluded that pregnancy seems to have made my dh see me differently. Suddenly I was a mother in his eyes and he found that an enormous turn off. I didn’t realise it, so I experienced the withdrawal of his affection as a massive rejection. He is a poor communicator and “cannot” engage in intimate conversations so he failed to explain his change in feelings, and I was left confused and hurt.

Over the years, I have just learned to live with the situation. I do look for the signs of caring and love. I sleep separately because I cannot bear the loneliness of being in a bed when he can’t be bothered to say good night, much less a hug and a peck on the cheek. I take care of my own needs. I develop strong female friendships to satisfy my need for adult social connection.

Oh and I’m desperately hoping that the menopause destroys my libido!

It’s really that or leave, isn’t it.

Good grief that's a reiteration of my past life and has brought back so many memories as I know exactly what you mean. Lovely loving husband and a terrific person all round, but ... incapable of spontaneous physical affection or desire So you sit on the sofa and cuddle closer and he just shits away, ask why and he says "I thought you'd be more comfortable". Hold his hand and after twenty seconds he lets go, "my hands all hot and nasty" he excuses. You hug him, and it's like he's hugging his mother. You kiss him and he says "I haven't brushed my teeth recently - you don't want to kiss me". Sex? Hahaha. No chance. Dwindling to nothing in the last ten years together. Separate rooms for the last five years (much better all round).

In my case, absolutely nothing worked. And I tried everything. Marriage counselling. Endless talking, arguing, begging, threats to leave, to have an affair, weight loss, made more of an effort. Nada. Zilch. He'd say he'd change - and never did for more than a few days. But such a great father! So thoughtful and supportive of me, too, in every way but physically.

I had a miserable lonely time of it. Self esteem plunged, particularly after age 40. So I had affairs with single men - and almost wrecked my family life that way. Chaos. Torn in two emotionally. Guilt. Shame. Loss of focus on my young DC.

It was a terrible decision and something I now feel horrified and ashamed about. I actually thought my ex knew and had agreed to this - as I'd said if he didn't want me I'd find someone who did. But I was wrong and he was jealous ... cue mutual remorse and sorrow and again, we agreed to restart a physical relationship. So we did, for a week...

And throughout, he said he loved sex with me... so why not do it then!! I got so angry and confused and miserable - I tried to leave, could not face sharing 50% life with my kids ir taking him from them - he loved and cared for them throughout every single bit as much as i did, was as much their parent as i was.

So finally I got a grip, refocused on family life and work. And had no sex or even a hand hold or a kiss for 10 years. It still makes me very very sad.

I left when our DC were young adults.

And he and I are now the absolute best of friends. I can love him so much more now that we don't live together and I'm not expecting or hoping or feeling ashamed for wanting him to just hold me close. And he's not feeling guilty and ashamed because he's letting me down.

In the calmness and loving relationship we have had for the last decade, he has never ever looked at another woman. Nor me a man (thank god for the menopause). We still don't have sex or hold hands for more than a few minutes. Or sit close. But he hugs me now.

He says, now, that he just doesn't think about sex. Doesn't masturbate. That the idea of sex just repels him. Swears he's not gay (and I believe him). I think a man feeling this way today would describe himself as a-sexual. I think he simply does not feel desire or pleasure in touching others. Now though, his hugs and warmer and longer and he says far more often that he loves me and compliments me.

It was a terrible environment for our DC in many ways. Tensions under the surface, a sad, mad and bad mother. A father aware and ashamed that he was not making their mum happy.

But also and at the same time, it was far from all bad. We parented well together. We had fun as a family. The DC say now that we were good parents, that me and their dad were funny together, that there was a lot of humour and sense of belonging. And that they did notice we never held hands etc like other kids' parents. They say they are glad we stayed together as a couple - but can also see how much happier we are living alone now. He like your DH is introvert and lives very much in his own world.

OP, my heart goes out to you. We don't make a mistake with these men. They are good, loving, special and loyal men. They just do not think about touching their partner, ever! They don't lie or drink or gamble or betray, they don't call us names or hit us, or withhold money or blame us for working. In many ways, they are perfect family men. A great many women would swap their useless husband who paws at them in the kitchen, is addicted to porn and wants sex every night, and ogles every woman they see, for your life.

If you stay, then this is how your life will be. Only you can know how important physical touch from someone who you love and you loves you, is to you. Casual sex lacks love. Loving women friends give affection in buckets, but without desire. Small children adore you ... but from about 12, they hate you.

So my heart goes out to you. Think deeply, love yourself, and know that life is just one long period of change. What you cannot bear today, may bring you peace and calm tomorrow

My husband is the same op. We've been together 16 years, and it's only really since having kids, and me maybe not feeling as confident as I once was, that's it's started to affect me deeply. We have times when I get upset about his lack of affection and I end up grumpy, then we have a discussion/argument about it. It turns hostile as he thinks I'm personally attacking him, no matter how I approach it, and lists all the things he does do, practical stuff, hands on with the kids, works hard etc, and that I should be more grateful, which I am, but I feel the lack of affection really affects me. He makes me feel like I'm a spoilt brat who's asking for the world, when all I want is to feel loved and desired. He then promises to make more effort, which he will for a while, but then once he sees I'm happy and not miserable, it's like he just forgets again to carry on making small gestures and showing me love, and we end up back at the start of the vicious cycle. It's got to the point where I subconsciously start being grumpy, when I'm lacking affection, as it's the only way it reminds him to show me any attention, which is ridiculous. I don't have an answer I'm afraid, as I think if they're naturally not affectionate or loving they just don't think about it. I hate having to spell it out for him as then it seemed forced which is worse. He's actually told me before to just "remind him", rather than getting grumpy, but I just feel like you shouldn't need to be reminded to love the person you share your life with. He will always throw it in my face that I rarely show him any affection, which to be honest is true, as I feel worn down by the situation and end up withdrawn and resentful. It's a difficult one, like your husband, he ticks every other box, and I know I'd be a fool to end things over this, but it causes me so much unhappiness at times it feels unbearable. I prefer it when he's not here now, as if he's at work, or out, I can't expect anything from him. It's sad, as we get along well and probably look like we have the perfect life from an outside perspective, but the lack of love absolutely kills me. I take good care of myself, am slim, fit and healthy, I often get told I am good looking and look really good for my age, people think I'm much younger. I also get alot of male attention (which I ignore) and this somehow makes me feel worse as he's the only person I want to want me, but he doesn't. He actually told me once that all his workmates were saying how beautiful I was when I popped into his office, and he was literally laughing his head off about it, as if he couldn't believe it/didn't see it. Made me feel so small and insignificant. I genuinely feel like he doesn't find me attractive and it kills my self esteem, and I'm a shell of my former self. Sorry op, I have no advice but solidarity.

I’m sorry OP this is a difficult one. I do appreciate what others and yourself are saying about him being perfect in other ways etc, but for me personally, physical intimacy and affection is the main thing that separates a marriage from a friendship. I have lots of amazing friends and family in my life who look out for me and my daughter, spend time with us, people to go to the cinema with, people to chat to, to buy & receive gifts from… I absolutely love all of those people and appreciate them incredibly, but I don’t need another one of those people as my husband. My husband is all of those things and more, to him I am not just a mother/a woman/a friend, I’m a wife, he makes me feel sexy, desired, wanted, appreciated and happy in a way that nobody else can because he is my husband, he’s the one who kisses me in the kitchen, joins me in the shower, can’t wait to get into bed together, kisses and cuddles on the sofa etc. That part of my identity and myself is one that I ONLY get to explore with him as he is my husband, and I would never want it with anyone else, but if he suddenly stopped kissing me, grabbing me, touching me, having sex with me, making me feel desired, I’d be losing that entire part of my life and I would hate that. Being a good listener or good with our daughter or good with chores wouldn’t be enough to make giving up a whole part of my identity worth it.

@anythinginapinch should be an author. Beautifully written, poignant, and truthful. And extremely kind to a woman who needed it. Many of the other comments on here were not so much Thank you.