Please help me make sense of this unpleasant sexual encounter at last

[CoffeeinmyCup]

Decades ago, when I was 19 and on a girls holiday in Tenerife, I had a one night stand with a British guy who was working out there as a travel rep.

I had had a few drinks, pursued him, he invited me back to his place and we started to have sex. He was only the second person I had slept with so I was pretty inexperienced.

He then tried to penetrate me anally, I have always assumed this was an accident but I now wonder whether it was. I stopped him and suddenly didn't want to go on with any of it, but felt I had to. We carried on for a bit with normal PIV sex until I somehow realised the condom was completely split and broken - it just didn't feel right and I think I then pulled a bit of rubber out of me. He said he hadn't realised - but can this have been true?

I suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable, burst into tears and knew I had to get myself out of the situation. I got dressed and went out into the street but he lived some way out of town and I didn't know what to do, so I just started walking down the dark country road towards town. This was long before the days of mobile phones.

Thank God a taxi happened to pass, I flagged it down and Thank God he was a decent man who took me safely back to my hotel. I was on the pill, luckily, so pregnancy wasn't a worry, but an STI was. Thankfully I was ok.

For years, I was blamed myself for putting myself in this risky situation, but I just told my 20 yr old daughter about it and she was appalled and said by 21st century standards it was definitely sexual assault.

I don't know what it was - even now I can't make sense of what happened - but I do know that I found it quite hard to come to terms with and that the experience screwed me up sexually for a long time, until met my husband really.

If you've got this far, thank you. I don't know what I hope to achieve by posting this but I found it quite cathartic to write it down after all these years, even if it brings back uncomfortable memories.

Ugh I’m so sorry that happened to you. I worked in Tenerife for a while as a holiday rep and came home after being roofied. It absolutely was sexual assault but when you’re young you don’t necessarily know that. Girls these days are much more informed than we were. I didn’t even bother reporting my assault as it didn’t occur to me that anyone would care. 😢

I’m glad you’ve been able to take this time to write down your past experience and let your inner thoughts out.

i can’t give you any answers about your history, but who can? It’s your life and your lived experience, do you feel like confirmation or denial in either direction would personally change your memories?

Sorry to hear this. I can't really add any more than other posters - I'd say it was definitely assault but when you're a teenager (I'm now 20) it's very difficult to understand the legal and ethical sides of the way men behave. I've been in horrible situations and sometimes thought how pathetic I've been, allowing myself to be taken advantage of, then an hour or so later I've realised that it wasn't my fault at all.
Life is so complicated!!

I’m really sorry this happened to you. It isn’t too late to talk about this and the effect it had on you if you feel that would be helpful.

I'm not a man so I can't comment on whether a man would feel if a condom was broken or not... and I don't think we had the words for stealthing back then, did we? but attempted anal penetration without consent is 100% cut and dried SA. And I think you were probably too drunk to consent, but again, we didn't have that vocabulary, did we?

I empathise with you so much, I was sexually assaulted when I was a teen but I didn't have the words to describe it until I was well into my 30s. That's the patriarchy for you,

Be kind to yourself, seek counselling if you think it would help, and thank yourself for raising a girl who sees the world differently than we did when we were her age.

Also well done for getting yourself out of it.

When I was 19 I went on holiday to a Spanish party resort and I believe now that I was roofied. I remember talking to a really nice rep in a bar and having a drink with him and exchanging numbers. The next thing I remember is being in a field just behind one of the clubs with a completely different guy, with very blurred and vague memories that sex had just taken place. I remember the guy laughing at me as I got up and questioned where the hell I was, and then he walked off and left me.

To this day I have no idea if it was consensual or not. My memories of the sex are hazy, and there are parts of it where I definitely was an active participant. But would I have ever chosen to go into a random field with a stranger and have sex with him if I had full memory of and recollection of the last three hours? Absolutely not.

To this day I have no idea what I’d call that encounter. I blocked it out but I realise now it was wrong. How can I have been sat with my friends having a cocktail, chatting to a nice holiday rep and then waking up three hours later in a field? I’m not sure why I’m sharing this but I wanted you to know you aren’t alone. 12 years later and I think about it a lot and how it impacted me sexually. I’ve only very recently told my husband about it too. What happened to you was wrong and wasn’t your fault and I hope you find a way to heal from it x

Woken up to all these replies - thanking everyone for their kindness and warmth. I wouldn't wish what happened that night on anyone, but it's also good to know I am not alone. Maybe a lot of women have some kind of story like this in their past?

The thing is that I always felt it was my fault as I went happily along with the idea of sex until I suddenly didn't want to be there. I don't remember any concern from him about my state of mind or how I was going to get back to the town. It was an ordeal for sure, but I am grateful I came through it, even if it did change me.

I’m just one of the many women who will have read this thread and thought Thank god I survived being a teenager!

I have some horrible memories, like yours, but I try not to revisit them. Just thank my lucky stars my life is much better now. Teenagers are so innocent and so vulnerable, especially if we think we know it all. I’m glad your daughter sounds sensible, and I hope your life is full of happiness and good people now.

A situation happened to me when I was around 18.
I was on holiday in Greece with my then boyfriend, we went to a bar and the barman was giving out free shots. A pair of naive teenagers we accepted them but I remember grabbing the one that was put on my boyfriends side for some reason.
A little later my boyfriend started acting really weird, couldn't remember his or my name, where he was, he was really bad. We had a little villa on top of a hill we were staying at and I had to carry him back. As I was doing so a guy approached me and offered to help, again me being a desperate teenager at the time, terrified of my boyfriend collapsing and struggling to carry him I said yes.
As we got back to the villa and lay my boyfriend on the bed the guy that was helping pretty much forced himself on me, while my boyfriend was passed out next to us on the bed. I remember trying to push him off me but he was too strong.
I must have then blacked out because I don't remember him leaving, I just remember waking the next morning and putting my boyfriend in the shower and helping him. It was absolutely terrifying and the ordeal has stayed with me all these years.
Only now I am older I have realised that none of this is and was my fault, but I remember thinking after it happened that it was my fault because I was wearing a little dress and was drinking. Horrible how our minds work when we are younger 😔
But please know you are absolutely not alone in your experience, I have tried to push mine to the back of my head.