Boyfriend of 8 years doesn't spoil me

[Peaceandlove40]

I have been with my partner for 8 years..we dont live together and both work.. in the beginning I took him away for the weekend. I then took him away again for nearly every birthday he has had. If we go away for weekends it's always me that suggests it, arranges it and and me that pays for the hotel, if we go to the theatre it's always me that sorts it and pays. In the 8 years we have been together he has never taken me away for a weekend, brought me anything apart from valentines birthday or Christmas. I feel like he never thinks of me. It hit me hard recently because I turned 40 and he did nothing for my birthday, he didn't even offer to take the day off work to spend with me. He did give me some money so I could get my hair done but I felt so hurt especially as I see my friends turning 40 and their partners are taking them away on holiday or for a weekend. He never helps me with car problems or when i got into some money problems he never offered to help me. He does help me with house things like DIY which I'm thankful for. Recently i brought him some clothes and a new phonecase and he has had car problems and I've offered to help him. I know he doesn't have too much money but neither do I but I still buy him things. I hate to write this because I really am not a materialistic but I feel unappreciated and forgotten about. Pls be nice I know it's not all about money but I just want to feel like a woman and be taken out and get to dress up etc I would even be happy with a homecooked meal with nice candles and table all nice etc but I don't ever get that. I don't feel like I can talk to him about this because I feel bad. Should I leave?

Why don’t you live together after 8 years?

@amuser we both have our own places he doesn't want to leave his because it's council and he will never get a council place again if he leaves and things don't end up working out between us.

He's never going to change, dump him.

You do not sound all that compatible.

He's tight and not very thoughtful. You can be thoughtful without spending much though anyway. He doesn't appreciate you. He also has a very negative view on your future together if he won't give up his home just incase it doesn't work out. No one ever thinks like that unless they have doubts.
Find someone that will cherish you. This seems a very one sided relationship.

I think you know the answer . If he hasn’t done it in 8 years isn’t going to start .

Has he never offered or you asked for a contribution ?

I'm really sorry, but this is a you problem. You have been enabling him and bankrolling a huge part of his downtime for 8 years without any reciprocation. Op, come on, the writing has been on the wall for years and you refuse to read it.

He just isn't bothered.

You benefit him, and he's not even a little bit concerned what you get out of the relationship.

You have squandered nearly all of your 30's on this deadbeat. Don't give him another day. End it with a phone call and never look back.

I'm half your age so my comments may not be fitting, but my im-mediate response is "what a pr---!". I've had boyfriends who've relied on me to organise their lives and to always invite them out, and they've been quickly dumped. When I first started seeing my current one, I made the point that he had to see me as an equal partner, which meant me organising my own life, not his, and me not being seen as his "secretary". So far, it's worked and I'm being taken to Paris next week!

You know the answer OP.

He's a waste of space. You can do better.

Why have you carried on like this for eight years? It must have been patently obvious after the first 12 months that he was not reciprocating with the treats and outings and such like, and yet you carried on and did it for another year without reciprocation and then a third year and then a fourth year and then a fifth year...

please help me understand why.

People usually do less not more as time goes on. I would say you’re flogging a dead horse.

If you don't want to leave him then at least stop chucking money at him.
When he asks why the bank of sugar mummy is no longer paying out, tell him you're sick of it being a one way street.

I wouldn't pay for things "do you fancy going to the theatre?" "Ok great it's £75 each do you want to pay me back or do you want to get them?"

Also the lack of thought is disappointing. But like others said it seems this is who he is.

Have you told him how you feel and what you want him to do? If not, that would be a start.

I've always made a fuss of birthdays for DH and DC - balloons and gifts/cards ready in the morning. DH didn't get me anything for a couple of birthdays because he was apparently busy. Both times I told him I was upset. Finally I just didn't get him anything for his birthday, just a kiss and happy birthday. He was very upset so I explained that clearly birthdays weren't important to him because he ignored mine, so I wasn't going to fuss any more. Funnily enough I got a card, gift and flowers for the next one.

So tell him that you feel that the relationship is one sided and that you need it to change.

Don’t you want to live together? The relationship isn’t growing, and never will.
Can he afford treats?

You need to communicate with him, depending on his answer you may need to rethink the relationship. I can’t believe you’ve put up with it for eight years.

Put aside all the gifts and weekends away for a moment. What do you want to do with your life? I am assuming you don't have children but are you hoping to? Do you want to live with a partner?

If the answer to either of those questions is yes then you need to move on from this man. He is taking you for granted and he's mean. I take the point about the council home but if he's still not sure about being with you after eight years such that he's prepared to commit without thinking what he will do when the relationship breaks down then he's not on board. You need to get rid of him and find someone who values you.

You are focussing on the treats and gifts which I understand but they are just a symptom of the wider problem which is that he doesn't care about you enough. You are worth more and sound so lovely and thoughtful. Dump him.