What attracted you to your partner?

[FlyingontheGround]

Interested in hearing from people who chose personality over instant physical attraction and how that worked out for you.

I’ve recently met someone who I don’t match with on paper. There is a big age gap and he’s not really my type physically but he’s just so kind hearted it’s making me unexpectedly weak at the knees.

Ive not long ago separated from my DH and he’s been so awful, I’m not sure if this is in part a bit of a reaction. I’m also thinking it’s better to stay single while my children are young. For these reasons I’m unlikely to say anything as I just couldn’t run the risk of hurting this person but there is part of me that wonders how it might work out. Any thoughts?

I'm going back a long time now, but I went out with my now husband because he looked like Woody out of the Bay City Rollers. Almost 50 years later it seems to have worked out ok!
PS your new guy sounds lovely. Kindness goes a long way!

I've only been with my partner 3 months but it was very unexpected. I had been single 8 years. His sense of humour is what I liked. He's very dry and witty sense of humour. We are both Scottish and some times the Scottish sense of humour is a bit out there and I liked that. He's genuinely the kindest soul I've met he's so loving, but we have the best times together just laughing and telling stories as well as honest conversations. He's just honestly a great guy. He is covered in tattoos and piercings so people are surprised when they sit down and talk to him and how nice he is. Xxx

May I suggest that you don’t think of him as your partner. As you say, you’ve not long separated from an important relationship. Just enjoy the here and now

Yes @HoppityBun you’re very right, he’s definitely not my partner and isn’t ever likely to be. I suppose I’m just a bit blindsided, I hadn’t any thought in terms of catching and feelings any time soon and definitely not with this person.

We just got along from the very beginning and I connected with him intellectually. I felt like he was a male version of me. As we kept dating he was consistent and I felt heard and understood, he treated me well and took care of me, wanted to protect me. I felt like I could be authentic me.

The first time I invited my now-husband into my home and gave him something to eat, I left him alone in the kitchen briefly and returned to find him, shirt sleeves neatly rolled up to the elbow, washing up properly. (Hot frothy water, using a dishcloth and rinsing each piece before placing it in the draining rack.) I fell in love from the moment I glimpsed that back view of a kind and helpful man who sees what needs to be done - and does it well.

Met my now DH at college 17 years ago. He caught my eye instantly as he was dressed quite ‘alternative’ let’s say 😂 and very different to my style. The thing that I liked about him straight away was how smart he was, not just book smart (which he really is) but just very switched on and had a general awareness that I was greatly lacking at 17 😂

He always answered questions really well I remember when he was picked on (rarely volunteered) and was just quite humble and never braggy or cocky. He’s still the same. I could go on and on about the things that attract to me to him but I won’t 😄

I was only 17 but although I didn't initially find him particularly attractive, he could hold a conversation and was very kind and thoughtful to the people in his life. And didn't play games but just said he liked me. 21 years later now!

When I first met my boyfriend I thought he was cute but not really my type (same height as me when I normally like taller guys, quite alternative looking). He’s also quite disorganized and can be a bit scatty, doesn’t drive (no need, lives v close to his work so let his license lapse years ago) and a variety of other fairly minor niggles that made me think we weren’t a good match.

However as I got to know him and see what a lovely person he is, those things seemed unimportant. We have very similar values, he’s very clever and funny, incredibly kind and loving - moreso than any other partner I’ve had - and he’s completely devoted to me. Of his own accord he has started trying to be more organized, has said he will get his license (after a day when I was driving despite not feeling well and he realised it would be easier on me if he were able to drive) and he’s very good at receiving constructive feedback.

My ex was abusive and incredibly defensive/negative so for me kindness and the ability to manage feelings well are a top priority. As I see every day what an absolute sweetheart my BF is, I have become super-attracted to him and think he’s absolutely gorgeous. Caring about his height once seems so stupid to me now, I honestly have no issue with it at all.

However I would say if you are not long separated you should think carefully about jumping into another relationship. I took two years before I dated and was in a completely comfortable place, happy by myself, kids were adjusted to their new circumstances and I was financially secure before I was ready to consider it.

Delusion attracted me I think haha!

He is/was the kindest person and absolutely not my type physically in any shape or form, was out with a group at a museum and I just felt I wanted to hold his hand. ''Twas bizarre. We're still happily married.

His kindness, his weirdness and his sinewy arms. Also made great cakes. Has strong moral values and a sunny disposition. Crazy in love still.

Take it slow as you're not long out of the last relationship.

@CheekyHobson yeah, I’m concerned it’s too reactionary and I do think I need time to recover. Thanks for your advice.

He looked like Mark Owen (it was 1995) and was one hell of a charming bastard.

12 years ago, I went out with my now DH because I was enjoying dating and he seemed terrified to ask me which I found adorable! I didn't particularly think we'd hit it off and I told him I wanted nothing serious (I had just started uni at 21, he was 18).
A few weeks later and he was basically living in my uni halls with me and we've lived together ever since, it only took 2 weeks for me to ask him to make it official 😂) we got married after 4 years and now have 1 DD and one on the way

We did and didn’t match on paper really, I had concerns he was too young, I was 31 and he was 26, while not big in numbers I felt was a bit big in life stage. We were in very different financial situations, he owned two properties outright, I earned more, but I had just bought my own place so I had a hefty mortgage. I was a parent, he wasn’t, I had virtually no free time, he had loads. He was just nice, and I know that sounds boring but he just was, there was never any bad mouthing, negativity, taking the piss, speaking unkindly about anyone etc.

Shallow as it sounds it was the body and his 🍆 size . Didn’t think it was gonna go anywhere and turned out we are soul mates now/

@FlyingontheGround Exactly the same as you OP. I had recently split with exH when we met. There is also an age gap and he wasn't my usual physical type but he was so very kind and considerate. 17 years on, married for 4 and he is still the kindest person I know. He just always goes out of his way to make my life easier and nicer in so many ways. Not just me though, he is kind and generous with his time to our friends, neighbours and my cats and dog adored him 😊

I met dh at a bar. Def not my usual type. Apparently - I was quite drunk -we kissed after about an hour. Saw him every day since that day for over 12 years. Apart a week when I was in hospital having our dc...

Intelligence, common interests and long, wide-ranging conversations that never get boring.

My late DH started out as a friend at university, not my type physically at all; current DP I met online (not OLD) and we didn't even know what each other looked like for weeks.

Both times I was actively avoiding getting romantically involved with anyone due to other stuff going on in my life, so it took me by surprise.

Enjoy your new connection, but don't rush into anything when you are so freshly out of a long-term relationship.

His long curly hair

Aw @TheDogsMother thats lovely.

I thought DH was attractive enough when I met him, but not the sort of person that would stand out. I've found him more physically attractive the longer I've been with him.
What attracted me most was his sunny disposition. He was really smiley, laughed a lot. Good fun. Also very intelligent. He was very popular and treated his friends well.Just seemed like a nice, decent person.