Unhappy marriage

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Me and my husband have been married for 4 years, together for 8. We have 1 child together and 2 children he has raised since they were 2.

I've been feeling really unhappy in our relationship for a long time, but when I've tried to speak to him about it, it never goes well and nothing ends up changing. It just ends up as an argument where he turns everything around on me.

I don't claim to be innocent in our problems. I do snap at him and I don't alwayd want to spend time with him, but from my point of view, that's because of how he is making me feel.

He speaks to me like crap. He's very short with me, and always seems irritated if I speak. He never wants to be intimate. We're probably intimate once a month, if I initiate it and keep trying for a few days until it happens. He barely sleeps in our bed. He's usually on the sofa. We don't spend time together and if we've tried, he will sit on his phone on the opposite side of the room and not speak to me.

I've had a rough year health-wise. I've had several surgeries and I'm still not 100%. I wouldn't say I was 50%. And he makes me feel so lazy. He'll make comments about me being in "my place" on the sofa, like I never move, and I know that's true, but I've been in pain, and I've had a feeding tube in at one point, and I just don't know what he wants from me. I'm trying.

I love him. I don't want to leave him. But I'm not sure if that's because of the kids or because I actually want to be with him.

Oh dear, that doesn't sound like a relationship that should continue. You both sound like you've had enough. Him not wanting to be close or spend quality time together, seems like he's already moved on. Do you chat at all?

Can you see yourself staying in a relationship like this for the rest of your life, if he's not willing to make any effort?

You can't resolve anything because he won't communicate, he belittles you and doesn't want to sleep with you.

I'm not sure what you can do in this situation as you've reached an impasse. He doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore and has disengaged.

Do you do the majority of grunt work for his children? That might be why he hasn't left.

if you don't want to leave then you have to accept that this is your life now. He will not change so you need to do the changing. Start looking at creating a life and happiness away from the house so you can tolerate this awfulness better. Personally I would start planning to leave, nobody deserves that kind of a life.

We do chat. And sometimes I'll call him when he's at work and we'll catch up about our day. Otherwise it's just if we have something to talk about.

I don't want to make excuses for him, but he has never been a really physical partner. Even at the beginning of our relationship he wasn't one to be intimate more than once a week, but it's reduced even since then.

I don't think he's cheating, I don't think he'd even consider it. I trust him completely in that respect, but I don't think he actually wants to be with me either.

The 2 older kids are mine from a previous relationship and he's very involved. He's a great dad and step dad and I'd never say otherwise.

Honestly I feel like we're just roommates. I don't think he'd leave because he loves the kids and he'd never want to be away from them. And financially it's easier to stay together.

You could try counselling but ultimately without change, which neither of you seem willing to do, this is your life. Accept it, or change your expectations, or leave. You can't wave a magic wand over him.

Would he consider joint counselling? Otherwise go by yourself. Good luck.

OP I mean he won't discuss your problems so you can't resolve them; he won't communicate. It sounds to me like he's using DARVO, but I can't be sure.

In your situation I would create a life for myself, go out with friends, get a few hobbies, remain busy. Have a superficial relationship where you maintain the family and lower your expectations. Sounds like the best you can hope for.

Would you want your kids as adults to be in such a marriage?, No and you would want better for them. This is no legacy to show them.

Staying for the sake of the kids, financial reasons etc are really flimsy reasons to remain with him. You are basically roommates.

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment as well when they have nothing else positive to write about their man. Am certain as well your elder children know all too well the parlous state of your marriage, they pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken. One day they will
leave home, what then for you?.

We're probably intimate once a month, if I initiate it and keep trying for a few days until it happens.

Please don’t pester anyone for sex. Your DH doesn’t owe you sex and coerced sex is very far from intimacy.