Healing the mother wound

[NeonFlamingos]

Has anyone successfully done this or on a good path to it?
I'm 40 now with my own children and I've accepted who my mother is and I can't change that.

However, sometimes it just hits me like a ton of bricks. The sadness, loneliness & feeling of unworthiness from having a mother (and father) who don't love or have any interest in me or my children.
Rationally, I know all the things I can do to cope but yesterday I was in so much pain from it all. Today the tears have stopped but I feel numb and empty.

The years of hurt and rejection and coldness just haunts me.

I know I'm breaking the cycle and having my own children and doing my best by them is such a great purpose in my life, however I feel my foundation is so fragile and I'm on the edge a lot of the time.

I don't have anyone to talk to irl who understands so was looking to see if anyone had found a way to get stronger through this kind of situation? I crave to enjoy the second part of my life without this painful burden.

What I've found most useful is to discard the expectation that you can be fully healed and the grief will just go. That in combination with 'growing around grief'.

My mother died when I was a young child, so whilst she never hurt me there was/is an empty void where she should've been. My dad hurt me and so did other family members (but to counteract that I also had wonderful people in my life and still have). I have made peace with that. My dad and the other people who purposely hurt are dead now, so there is going to be no more. It won't grow larger but my life around it can.

A bigger wound currently is my husband's family - directly and the effect it has on him (and our children). That is ongoing to some extent. I'm trying to view it in the same way. It is a form of grief - grieving for the loving family you never had whilst simultaneously coping with continued demands and hurt. Harder. Boundaries, dropping the rope, the FOG...all helps. What helps the most is making the rest of your life bigger - doing stuff, connections with other people.

Thank you for replying, this is a really helpful way to reframe things. I'll take it with me.

Sorry that you are facing family struggles too. It can be such a heavy burden and hard to describe in words.

I understand, had very similar life, so painful. My mother has been dead for 10 years and the awful feelings of being unloved still feel fresh. After years of staying in her life and doing a lot I found out I was disinherited after she died and everything left to my sibling, who cheerfully kept everything, such pain and betrayal. However, I decided the moment it happened that I refused to let it taint my life, not to give her that power and control. That was the only thing I had complete choice over. It still hits me and I just let the sad feelings wash over me, then I "drop the rope" and look forward, not back and live my life, not the one of rejection that she tried to force on me. The more you do it the easier it gets, take back the power, take care.

Your post really struck a cord with me, even though our circumstances aren't the same (my mother died and the rest of my immediate family aren't bothered about being close to me). It's been said to me that creating your own family heals the pain, but personally it didn't really start to heal until I'd truly accepted that I can't change who they are, which has taken years and years. I know you are already there so I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in having that source of sadness.

My mother cut me out of her life 5 years ago after a lifetime of narc behaviour and abuse from her. It still hurts that she never loved me like she does my brothers. She's now reconnecting with the rest of my family (she cut them out too) and has seen and talked to every one in the family except for me. She hasn't seen my daughter since she just turned 5. My brothers haven't seen her since she was 4. It hurts, I won't cry over them but sometimes it's like a knife to the heart and it usually catches me off guard. I'm not sure it'll ever go entirely but I live with it as best I can.

I've never met my dad, I found him online a few years ago but he wasn't interested so I let that go. I have older and younger brothers from his side but they don't know I exist.

I have no advice unfortunately but you're not alone.

My mother died when I was two and my piece of shit of a father went awol leaving me in various foster homes. He came back the following year with his new wife and decided he now wanted me. Growing up they were physically and emotionally abusive and he sexually abused me as a teenager.

I’ve been no contact with them for years and very recently had extensive EMDR treatment which has massively helped me put my childhood trauma to bed. I would highly recommend it.

Like others have said I don't think you ever heal. I was lucky and had an exceptional DF who was very present with me and my DS. I feel grief because I was the sweetest child and I only ever wanted her to love me. But she never did.

My mother once got my DS and her only grandchild's name wrong so you can tell how much she gave a shit. She's long dead now and I'm glad. I only wish she could have seen for all her manipulation and self serving not one of her friends or past affair partners came to her funeral. All those people she put before me.

I'm trying to get past anger and hate but it's very hard. Her family ignored the abuse which I just can't reconcile.

As I've got older I've found people with the same kind of issues and there's a brilliant thread on here that's really helped me.

I mothered and continue to mother the complete opposite of her and I've got strong relationships with my DS and SDD.

I don't know if 'healing' is quite the right word for what I'm doing, but something that's really helped me is having (and cultivating) female figures in my life of my mother's generation.

A friend from my yoga class in her late 60s came with me for my first mammogram and held my hand in the waiting room.

One of my neighbours, who's 70-odd, helped me sort out my garden last week after a big storm.

And my best friend's mum is driving me to the port in a couple of weeks, when I leave the island I've lived on for the last 8 years (my friend is away travelling at the time) – and I know she'll be the shoulder I cry on before I get on the boat.

It doesn't take away the hole that my mother's absence is in my life (we've been NC for almost 10 years) – but it has filled something I didn't know was missing.