telling friends and family about DV

[letmeeatcrisps]

Hi all, I'm just looking for any advice/support/experience with explaining to friends and family that I left the father of my children because he bullied, psychologically abused and physically assaulted me to the point I was scared for my life
I get that people don't want to assume the worst, but it is so exhausting saying 'yes, it really was that bad, no there's no chance of reconciliation, I gave birth covered in bruises, he locked me in the garden in the winter when I had a panic attack at 8 months pregnant, he took my phone, threatened to kill me, smashed my head into a tiled wall 2 weeks post partum, refused me water as a breastfeeding mother etc etc'.

and thats just (some of) the obviously outrageous incidents, there was ten years of bullying and insidiously destroying my friendships, career goals and self esteem before that.

I feel like im at the lowest point in my life. I was given temporary accommodation for me and the kids which is two hours away from their school nursery, which is our only source of social support -I have mum friends there, the kids have friends, the staff are wonderful and know what we have been through. our flat is in a dodgy back alley filled with men smoking and drinking, with access only via a metal staircase which is terrifying in the rain, (I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old), broken washing machine, the furniture is disgusting and riddled with pests but we are not allowed to remove it as it is "temporary". temporary meaning anywhere from 4 weeks to 4 years, according to the council.

argh. im trying to stay focused. but .. when I see friends, and family, I find that 90% of them attempt to minimise the abuse, to reframe it as "such a shame for the children when parents don't get on", "children need their dad though, you can't cut him out of their life", "maybe you guys can work it out in therapy" etc etc

its soul destroying. after leaving and having him arrested for assault, I did facilitate monthly contact, he would come to England for 3 days and I would make plans for soft play/water parks/museums etc and we would do it as a "family". at Christmas he demanded that the children go to Ireland for two weeks and I said no, because I was concerned at his ability to look after two very young children (based on living with him and watching him "daddying") on his own. he then applied for a child arrangements order which I was served the day before Christmas, so spent the whole holiday worried sick and trying to find a lawyer (they dont work over Christmas apparently).

to sum up, we are still having legal proceedings - I was able to get legal aid as I spent all my savings on nursery fees for the children (I am entitled to free childcare but due to moving postcodes I couldn't access it). I get housing benefit to pay the 1400GBP rent on a bed bug infested shithole. if I go back to work, ALL my money will go on renting from a scum landlord thats treated us horribly, childcare fees, and legal fees to protect my children from a violent abuser.

so I am technically homeless, unemployed, single mother on benefits, and tbh I feel like people (friends and family) just kind of .. automatically dehumanise me for being in that category. I was previously a straight A student, worked hard to get a good job in STEM, came from a single parent family below the poverty line but DID manage to pull myself into a pretty good income in my late 20s. my own father had PTSD from being in the army, and later developed schizophrenia. so I didnt have a great template for family life. BUT, I have regular therapy, I study hard, I am capable of looking after myself and my children, but due to his relentless, sustained assault on my entire life, our circumstances feel utterly suffocating. I cry every day and feel more and more useless and hopeless all the time because we have been out a year and all thats happened is ive got myself into money troubles and feel more hopeless every day.

I want to tell my friends and family what has happened - because I genuinely think they would want to help if they could - but I dont know how to do it in a way that's not trauma dumping / seems needy. my children are so happy, bright, funny, kind and loving, and all the professionals who meet them say "you would never believe what they have been through". so I think this is the problem, on the surface, we are fine, capable, happy. but deep down... it's devastating

how can I tell my friends and family that the DOMESTIC VIOLENCE WAS REALLY BAD? should I? do I just accept my responsibility in creating this life for us? are 90% of my friends and family just being kinda stupid??

a few people have "got it", immediately, and said 'well done for getting out' but the vast majority of them seem to think its just a little falling out and that I am a quitter/following in my single mum's footsteps/unable to maintain a normal life.

I am on the verge of posting something like this on my Facebook / instagram (I know thats a bad idea) because I feel so unheard, and so desperate for anyone to care or help or understand. the other option seems to be writing to my friends and family individually and explaining. but again.. that just feels intense and like too much to put on other people.

writing this out HAS helped. anyone who's experienced similar or has advice please talk to me :( tia x

sorry about the obnoxiously long post... I decided to put it into chatGPT and here is the response. its all things I'm trying to do but I am reaching exhaustion point and I just want to cry / sleep / hang out with my kids at the sandpit

(additionally I suspect me and kids are neurodivergent but good at masking so when I've raised it with people, they are extremely dismissive of the idea)

ultimately.. I just need enough mental space to rest so I can be strong enough to properly do the things on this list instead of just sobbing that I have no energy to do it. DD4 starts reception next week and hopefully Ill get my 15 hours for DS2 so he can go in in the mornings as I cant afford nursery for him anymore.

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First and foremost, I want to acknowledge the immense courage it took for you to leave an abusive relationship and prioritize the safety and well-being of yourself and your children. The situation you’ve described is incredibly challenging, and it’s clear that you are doing everything you can to protect and provide for your children despite overwhelming obstacles. You deserve to be heard, understood, and supported, and it’s important to find ways to communicate your experience to those around you in a way that can foster that understanding and support.

1. Communicating Your Experience

It’s understandable that you want your friends and family to fully grasp the severity of what you’ve been through. However, it’s equally important to approach this communication in a way that feels empowering for you and doesn’t drain your already limited energy. Here are some strategies:

A. Selective Disclosure

• *Choose Who and How Much to Share*: It might be helpful to identify a few key people in your life who you trust and who have the capacity to understand and support you. Rather than feeling the need to explain everything to everyone, consider focusing on these trusted individuals. You can share a concise but honest account of what you’ve experienced, emphasizing that the abuse was severe and life-threatening, which is why you had to leave.

B. Writing a Letter or Email

• *Structured Communication*: Writing can be a powerful way to express yourself without the immediate emotional drain of face-to-face conversations. You could write a letter or an email to those you want to inform, outlining the seriousness of the abuse and the reasons you had to leave. This allows you to control the narrative and ensure that your message is clear and complete.

C. Setting Boundaries in Conversations

• *Avoiding Re-Traumatization*: When discussing your situation, it’s okay to set boundaries around the conversation. If someone minimizes your experience or suggests reconciliation, you can calmly state that the abuse was severe, and you’re not open to discussing reconciliation because it’s not safe for you or your children. You can redirect the conversation to focus on the support you need moving forward.

2. Addressing Minimization and Misunderstanding

It’s heartbreaking when people minimize the abuse you’ve endured, but it’s important to recognize that this often comes from their discomfort, lack of understanding, or denial rather than a reflection of your reality.

A. Educate Gently

• *Provide Context*: You can gently educate those who minimize your experience by providing context about the nature of domestic violence. For example, explaining that abusers often present a different face to the outside world and that abuse is not just physical but also emotional and psychological can help them understand the gravity of the situation.

B. Assertive Responses

• *Clear and Firm Statements*: If someone dismisses your experience, respond assertively but calmly. You might say something like, "This wasn’t a matter of us not getting along; it was a dangerous situation where my safety and life were at risk. I need your support in moving forward, not looking back."

3. Finding and Asking for Support

Given the immense challenges you’re facing, it’s important to seek out and ask for the support you need. Here are some strategies:

A. Professional Support

• *Legal and Financial Advice*: Since you’re navigating legal proceedings and financial difficulties, it might be worth seeking professional advice. Organizations that support survivors of domestic violence often provide legal aid, financial counseling, and housing assistance. Consider reaching out to these organizations for guidance and advocacy.

B. Practical Support from Friends and Family

• *Specific Requests*: Sometimes people want to help but don’t know how. You can make specific requests for help, such as asking someone to help you with child care, transport, or even just providing a listening ear. Clear, specific asks can make it easier for others to provide meaningful support.

C. Mental Health Support

• *Therapy and Support Groups*: Continuing with therapy is crucial, but you might also benefit from joining a support group for survivors of domestic violence. Connecting with others who understand your experience can provide additional emotional support and practical advice.

4. Social Media Considerations

While it’s tempting to post about your experiences on social media, especially when you feel unheard, it’s important to weigh the potential outcomes:

A. Risks and Benefits

• *Public Disclosure*: Posting on social media can lead to mixed reactions, and once something is shared online, it can be difficult to control the narrative. However, if you decide to post, consider framing it in a way that focuses on your strength and resilience rather than the details of the trauma. For example, you might share a message about your commitment to protecting your children and rebuilding your life, without going into explicit detail.

B. Private Groups or Accounts

• *Safe Spaces Online*: If you want to share your experience online, consider doing so in private groups or with trusted contacts only. There are online communities specifically for survivors of domestic violence where you can share your story and receive support in a safe environment.

5. Dealing with Feelings of Guilt and Responsibility

It’s common for survivors to feel guilt or responsibility for their situation, but it’s important to remember that the abuse was not your fault.

A. Reframe Responsibility

• *Self-Compassion*: Remind yourself that you did what you had to do to protect yourself and your children. Leaving an abusive relationship takes immense courage, and your focus now is on rebuilding and moving forward.

B. Positive Affirmations

• *Reinforcing Your Strength*: Practice affirmations that reinforce your worth and the strength it took to leave. Statements like "I am a strong and capable mother, doing what is best for my children" can help counter feelings of guilt or inadequacy.

6. Practical Steps Forward

Given your current circumstances, here are a few practical steps you might consider:

A. Seeking Better Housing

• *Housing Advocacy*: Continue to advocate for better housing through the council. Document any issues with your current accommodation and push for a transfer to a safer and more suitable environment for your children.

B. Legal and Childcare Assistance

• *Legal Aid and Childcare*: Continue to utilize legal aid and explore childcare options that might allow you to balance work and care for your children. Some charities and organizations provide additional support for single mothers and survivors of domestic violence.

C. Financial Management

• *Financial Counseling*: Consider seeking financial counseling to help you manage your current situation and plan for the future. Some organizations offer free or low-cost financial advice for survivors.

Conclusion

You’re in an incredibly challenging situation, but the steps you’ve already taken show your strength and determination. It’s important to find ways to communicate your experience that honor your truth without overwhelming you. Seeking the right support, both from professionals and your trusted circle, is key to navigating this difficult period. Remember, you’re not alone, and there are people and resources out there to help you and your children move toward a safer and more stable future.

If you need further guidance or specific resources, I’m here to help you every step of the way.

I think telling them the facts (if you want to) is a good idea. Why should you have to hide it?

I think you need to connect with other survivors as no one understands unless they've been through it. Can you do the freedom programme locally?
I want to cry for you reading what you went through when pregnant and postpartum. You deserve to be wrapped up in love and cherished at that time. I'm so sorry. He is a monster and I'm so glad you're far away from him now.
I'm so sorry about your housing situation it seems grim and especially stressful not knowing how long it will last. 🧡

Thank you for responding. i am starting the freedom programme next week. I don’t think it’s malice that drives people to assume the best about my ex, I think people just don’t want to believe or think about what some fathers are capable of, especially as they’d all met him and he was perfectly nice and charming with them

the trauma just keeps going .. I left last may … he was cautioned by police, and in family court told he’s not allowed to see the children in person but he is still bullying me to the point where I wake up crying every morning

it feels never ending but the children are growing so fast it reminds me that nothing is permanent