Hi all,
Just made this account as looking for some advice.
My partner of 10 years broke up with me last week. We have been engaged for 2 years and our wedding was all booked and sorted to happen next year.
He was deployed with the Army in March and everything was normal whilst he was away. Love/miss you, excited to see you, knew I bought a wedding dress the day before he came home, planned things to do for his 2 weeks of leave, etc.
On his first day home he was really distant and strange. I was upset but told myself he was tired. Even googled “my military partner is detached after deployment” to look for answers. The next day he said we haven’t been happy for years and we can’t get married. I was so shocked as I had no idea we weren’t happy. He said that I am very insecure and crave physical compliments/affection, and that it is obvious it makes me feel like crap when he doesn’t give me those things, which in turn makes him feel like crap and he’s realised that he doesn’t deserve to live his life feeling like crap. I asked why he couldn’t give me those things and he said he thought it was just him as a person, but now he’s met someone he is “really really close to and has feelings for” who he can do those things with. He said they haven’t had an affair as he would have lost his job (she is his junior soldier), and that I’m crazy if I think she has anything to do with our break up.
Then he went to stay with her (they booked their leave for the same time), came back at the end of his leave to move most of his things to his room on camp, then flew off to finish the rest of the deployment.
I feel so lost, blindsided, and hurt. I stole his phone and read their messages (he doesn’t know) and it looks/sounds like they’re having an emotional affair. MAYBE it wasn’t physical which is why he says it’s not an affair, but things like “so lucky to have you in my life”, “can’t wait for our date night together”, “can’t imagine a day without you”, meeting her family on leave, planning their future together, etc etc all seem very much more than a close friend/colleague.
He’s upset because there are rumours about the two of them and he thinks it’s come from me (I’m a civilian and we don’t live on patch, so can’t be from me). He’s worried about them both being in trouble at work.
I’m angry and hurt that a) he’s over our relationship this easily and quickly, b) he cares more about her reputation than my feelings, c) he isn’t giving me any direct answers to help me move on, d) I feel like I’m being punished I.e I have to sell the house and start my life all over again, when I thought next year I would be married and having children, and e) that he’s telling me this isn’t an affair! I’m not stupid…
He’s also telling his friends and family “we decided to split as we weren’t compatible and I came home from deployment with a new perspective” !!
Any advice? I can’t eat, sleep, work, anything.