Relationship and life woes - need advice from wise mumsnetters!

[Miajk]

Long story short, I grew up in a household with two parents who disliked each other and thankfully got divorced, but it definitely impacted me. There was some emotional neglect and I grew up in the trenches of an eating disorder. I now live abroad and have some contact with family but not very close to them.

My first love was a very emotionally charged relationship. Looking back I know we wouldn't have worked out but oddly enough I dream about him all the time, probably because it was a very passionate relationship but very toxic!

My current DP I've been with 6 years, live together, own a home together, own pets together. But I feel it's the end of the road. He's a lovely person but he's content with life as is, his hobbies are video games, seeing friends at the pub, he's not very career driven. But he's well adjusted emotionally and being with him has made me a better person.

I'm career focused, childfree by choice, my current job is very flexible and decently paid, and I want to use that freedom to travel and live an exciting life. I'm massively into fitness and not a big drinker these days. Our relationship has been mostly sexless in the past few years, I think because of his lack of career ambition which left me resentful over making up more of our finances because he didn't care about trying to get better job prospects (he has now, but only recently) and generally growing apart, as well as no effort on his part to take me out on dates or plan fun things for us.

So here I am at 26 confused. I feel like life is passing me by but I also feel like I'm a coward struggling to end the relationship because it's the only real stability I've ever had. DP and I have a roommate dynamic so romantically it does feel like it's dead anyway but we are best friends. With frequent moving (abroad and then cities) I don't feel like i've put down roots and have done a bad job at making and keeping friendships. Not having DP in my life at all makes me very sad, I also get on great with his friends and family and the life we built together has been wonderful, apart from the actual romantic part.

Sorry for the long post. I guess I just need some wise words for a very lost 26 year old, all and any advice would be much appreciated.

Between 20 and 26 you'll either have grown together, or you'll have grown into different people. It sounds like it's run its course and you're still so young at 26!

Def end it unless you're excited about living like this for the next 50 years.

Thank you. I actually feel incapable of ending relationships. My first love dumped me (pretty horribly but then said he regretted it), as although I knew it wasn't a good relationship and knew I want better I didn't have it in me to walk away, so he did me a huge favor.

But here I am again feeling incapable of making the decision despite different circumstances.

You're only 26 Op, that's much too young to settle for a life that isn't making you happy. You have no children so you can have a clean break, go live where you like, find someone who shares your values and drive. You need to be brave @Miajk and take control of your life or one day you'll look back and be sorry that you've wasted years

Honestly I think I’d plan a long trip to help give you some space. Maybe a few months exploring the world will allow for the break up you need. Put your stuff into storage. It is not that expensive, save up and go. Your relationship is dead and you are too young to have a dead relationship.

You're so young! You're only really starting to grow up, and I 'm sure your current relationship has helped you, as you say. And the way things have progressed means him and his family are your stable place , "home" of a kind -- that sadly your birth family sounds like it isn't.

Perhaps you should think about splitting with dp as leaving home once again -sad (for everyone), scary, but necessary for both you and him to be with genuine life partners with a shared project reaching into the future.

You've hit the nail on the head re: his family is to me what my own family sadly isn't.

But I think you're right and it's also unfair to him to not let him find someone who will love him like everyone deserves to be loved.

It's just so tough and I keep worrying I'll regret it and end up completely alone, but again that's really selfish

Thank you for this advice, I think it's a great idea. We both work from home full time which makes it tough to get headspace so I think I'll do it even if just for a week.

Thank you! I guess the idea of selling our joint house just feels so final. But you're right I need to be brave!!

Anyone else? I'm so desperate for a hand hold or any stories other mumsnetters might have about being in a similar situation and how it all worked out for you x

@Miajk My upbringing was dysfunctional. I had no reference for that for a long time after. I went to uni met some inappropriate boyfriends then I travelled, moved abroad and eventually met my DH. It hasn’t been perfect, nothing is but he is a good man, a good father and I love him deeply. I am completely estranged from my family now as I processed my upbringing but I have a great life. My advice make sure you can be completely financially independent on the longer term (maybe not short term like mat leave if you eventually choose to have children etc) to have choices in life.

Both of you deserve more than this, and he sounds like a really decent person who deserves your honesty.

Life is short, op. Stop wasting it.

You are 26 and in a near sexless relationship, if you were both honest about this relationship you would admit that it isn't right. You inertia comes from home owning and pet owning. This should not stop you calling it a day and moving on with your life. At 26 I was married to Dh and we were having a ball together. You are settling and you should never settle.

Stop looking back and look forward. People move house all the time. I am in house number 5 with Dh. I know you are selling to split up but I am saying house moving is just part of life. Start living yours.

I think you need to find some time and space to see who you really are and what you really want. You are only 26 and you have so much time to find someone who brings you joy. You do not need to settle. You feel that he gives you stability but you can have that on your own by feeling happy and strong in the life you choose. Relationships have ups and downs and you can get through them if you live each other and want it to work, my feeling is that you are no longer in love even if you may still love him in some way. Time now to think about yourself, what do you want and need and then go and get them.