Husband had affair now going on three months work deployment

[Panickedwanderer]

Hi. My husband had a 6 month affair and I found out by looking through his phone he blamed me and not giving him enough attention, trickle truths, I don't know half of the truth I bet. Other woman basically seduced him. I forgave him this was about 6 months ago now and things have been good but now he's leaving for a deployment and it's brought it all back. Do you think he will cheat whist he's away? I want to trust him but I won't be giving him any physical attention when he's not here!

Are you sure it stopped?
You found out, he blamed you, you forgave him, that was only six months ago and he's going away for three months now? Does he have to go, or is he choosing to?
I'm so sorry OP you must be feeling awful over this, but I can't think of anything reassuring to say. He hasn't treated you very well and you deserve better.

Hope you're doing ok, sounds awful don't trust him

Can't be sure it stopped, just his word. He doesn't have to go but it's good for his carer Andi won't be able to visit because it's across the world. I'm blooming scared he will go over there and cheat at the first chance.

Why are still with him OP?

He doesn't sound as though he is sorry he had an affair. He has shifted the blame on to you for him cheating.

What steps has he taken to change his behaviour?

Sorry OP but I think there is every chance he will cheat again and is possibly still doing so.

And he will say it's all your fault again next time he is caught.

I think you have a choice to make, and it's not an easy one.
If he's like this now, he's not going to get any better. This is how the marriage will always be, him doing exactly what he wants, you always wondering what he's up to. And him blaming you if you question him.
Or you can leave him. Or at least do some research. Get advice while he's away, see a solicitor. Find out your financial situation.
Btw, do you only have his word that you couldn't visit him? It's not that difficult to get anywhere in the world, so I'd be assuming that's another lie.

It's not your fault he cheated. Why do you accept that stupid fact? If he doesn't have to go I'd be asking not to go but to stay to work on repairing his marriage. This should be his priority here. If he refuses he doesn't value your marriage.

I work long shifts so I'm not around a lot, that's one of the reasons he gave. We don't really have the money to afford for me to fly out and he will be workingost days so even if I do fly out I won't see him for long

At this point in your relationship, it's the marriage or the job. He doesn't get to cheat for 6 months, blame you and then Swan off on deployment leaving you a wreck. Absolutely not.
Be firm and lay down your expectations. I'd also be asking for full disclosure re the affair before deciding anything more. From what you've written it honestly looks like he's got away with it, and that, increases any liklihood of it happening again. Be firm.

Other woman basically seduced him.

Even if this is true and she seduced him out of the blue (unlikely), he could have not cheated, that was his decision.

You need to decide what you want, if he's not prepared to forego the work deployment because he doesn't see your marriage as more important then that tells you a lot. It's understandable you don't trust him, I'd personally consider breaking it off before he goes to make coming to terms with the end of the relationship more manageable with him being away.

His marriage to you is not a priority for him. In fact, YOU are not a priority for him.

Blaming you for his affair is the lowest of the low.

It sounds like you have very little self-esteem. Perhaps he has worn you down during your time together.

You don't say if you have children, but I would use the time he is away to get some perspective and commence divorce proceedings.

You know you deserve better than this, right?

And yes - of course he will cheat while he's away. But you already know this.

Other woman basically seduced him

Ugh. So it's this other woman to blame and it's your fault for not giving him enough attention...

Course you can't trust him at all as he lied, hasn't taken responsibility and still hasn't been honest with you. If you've accepted this, then he'll do it again and you'll be in the dark, needing to keep tabs, snoop and all the rest.

I'm sorry but it seems like the work deployment is just an external factor. The problem is him. It's not going to work unless you can either live with his lies and turn a blind eye, or his makes a huge shift to honesty and dealing with the real reasons why he chose to deceive you.

If you don’t trust him your marriage isn’t going to work long term. Just cut your losses.

he basically can’t ever go out solo, ever ever ever and you have to make sure you’re sucking his dick nightly because he blamed you for his cheating and lack of communication. Bin.

None of us know you or your husband to be able to answer that for you OP.

the trust has understandably gone, only you know if you can be able to trust him and his word and what kind of man he really is.

for what its worth based on what you said, the gaslighting and turning it around on you and putting the blame on you, tells me he is a shitty person and the chances of him being completely honest with you are are quite low.

what are your options here?

1. Let him and go and trust he wont do anything?
2. tell him not to go?
3. seperate?

do you have any family and friends to support you through this?

He had a 6 month affair, you found out. He blamed you and the other woman.

You don't trust him anymore and rightly so.

What would your life look like without him in it? Maybe him being away for 3 months will give you the chance to see that and realise it would be so much better. It will definitely give you the time to work out your finances and housing etc so you know whether you need to stay with him (for now) or you could leave/have him leave fairly easily.

Huge handhold to you, the betrayal alone must be heart wrenching. You definitely deserve better no matter what excuses he gave.

Download Tinder while he's away! (Only half joking)

Yes I think he will cheat again op. Maybe not this time, but he absolutely will do it again. He may even still be seeing this OW.
Gently, you've given him permission to do it again. He blamed you, and you've accepted it.
Let's be clear here, the only person to blame for his affair is HIM. Nobody else!
You say in the op that you are worried because he won't be getting any physical attention from you.
Be honest with yourself op, have you spent the last 6 months doing the pick me dance in an effort to keep him? Have you become the goddess of sex even though you're exhausted from working long shifts? No man is worth that hun,.and it won't work!
Is this a military marriage?
Are there children involved?

Oh sweetheart 🥺
Do you often end up being the one "at fault"?
I'm starting to get the feeling he's done a number on you.
You ARE strong, you CAN get along without him, it's NOT your fault that you need to work long hours to get by. Stop accepting his lies, his reality doesn't have to be your reality.
Your self esteem is on the floor, and he's done that to you. Look for support in real life, because it's really really not you. It's all him.