Resent husband after baby

[FreightTrain]

Very aware I’m not the first woman to feel this way. DH and I usually have a very loving, equal and strong relationship. DD is 9 weeks.

We don’t argue or disagree often but when we do it’s usually resolved quickly. However, this is the case because I push for effective communication until the matter is resolved, whereas he would rather brush things under the carpet.

I’ve felt quite alone this week and we had a disagreement yesterday morning during which I said to him it felt as though his priorities were as follows: Dogs, work, running, DD, me. He did not disagree with me.

We didn’t really resolve the issue because we had lunch plans with friends. At the restaurant, before lunch arrived I stepped away to change baby and ended up feeding her while I was there. After a while a friend came to find me. When I got back to table it was clear food had been there some time - it was cold - and my DH hadn’t thought to come tell me / check we were ok. He tried to lie and say the food had just arrived and then pass off that lie as a joke. We discussed it a bit afterwards, he apologised and as usual wants that to be the end of it. I don’t feel the matter was resolved. But this time, I just don’t have the energy to make him communicate with me. I’ve let it fly and am being as polite as I can to him whilst brimming with resentment.

We just woke up and there was no good morning to me or DD, just a “do you want a coffee”. He’s not being nasty on purpose, there’s just no niceties there unless I initiate, which I’m sick of doing. He leaves the bedroom and I hear a lovely and bright “hi girls” to the dogs. Wtf is wrong with him that it’s easier for him to show affection to his dogs than his wife and DD and wtf is wrong with me that I’m actually jealous of our dogs 🫠

Its tough when you're very tired with a new baby. Congratulations! And 9 weeks is very new.

He's making you a coffee? That;s good.

He's walking the dogs? That's good too.

Maybe being jealous of how he speaks to the dogs is taking it a bit far.

With all due respect: I think sleep deprivation and all the stresses of a new baby may be affecting how you feel here. And I realise there are quite possibly preexisting issues with his priorities and these small incidents are making you mad because of that. But you're resentful because he didn't say 'good morning' to a newborn baby that he spent the entire night in the same room as? And at the lunch with friends: presumably you came back as soon as you were done, so what difference would it have made if he came to find you?

Truthfully, did you feel you came behind the dogs and his work and running before the baby was born, or is this a change? Were you in fact resentful and covering it before baby, and the baby has just torn down the flimsy papering over of your feelings?

Honestly I am so similar to you in the sense that I feel the need to address and resolve problems immediately, and my partner is more of a reflective avoidant which can make for a dangerous combination! We've had to really compromise on this over the years, and now find that agreeing a time aside to talk about any issues works best for us, so that I know the problem isn't being avoided, and he can have his reflection time without feeling put on the spot.

On the other note, please don't underestimate how challenging it can be when you're hormonal and tired, 9 weeks is nothing and your emotions will be nowhere near "normal" at the moment. I honestly never hated my partner more during those initial few months, and in all honesty he was amazing but my head and body were all over the place! So please bear this in mind because it will get better, and in the meantime maybe just acknowledge what he IS doing so he doesn't feel like you're nit picking and nagging, and calmly try and talk about how you're feeling in a way where you're both comfortable.

Good luck and congratulations on the little one

Assuming you want an honest outside perspective…I don’t think what he’s done is that bad. With lunch, it wasn’t as you were having a walk or something, you were busy feeding the baby and it makes sense to assume that you’d want to finish this first, whether or not food has arrived, and that you’d then return. This wasn’t the case for you, you talked with him about it and he apologised - I’m not sure what else you would need to resolve it?

And waking up offering you a coffee also sounds reasonable. Yes, he could have added a Good morning, but I don’t think it’s worth thinking too much about it.

I hear you and you're right nothing has changed, I felt like this before baby, but it didn't bother me as much because I didn't need him as much.

Re the lunch, I would have happily fed baby at table if I'd known food had arrived and he knows this, I was only feeding her elsewhere as it was easier.

Honestly, it's not his job to make decisions about where you feed the baby. Surely you knew there was a chance your food could come while you were gone. Next time just feed the baby at the table.

I hear you that there are deeper issues. But if so, you need to focus on those deeper issues, because honestly to most people it'll sound a little mental that he got up and offered you a coffee and you're mad that he didn't specifically say 'good morning'. What are the big things that he's not doing with baby, or with you? Because of course he is the same person he was before the baby came.

Thank you, it's nice to hear I'm not alone. I wish he was reflective avoidant, he is more just avoidant 😂

He does do so much, but the fact he didn't disagree with me when I listed the order of his priorities was just so hurtful. It makes me feel that anything he is doing is out of duty alone.

You have talked in your post about feeling your DD and yourself come last in his priorities emotionally - that he isn't being supportive of you.
But what about physically? Is he doing his share of work around the house? Is he being hands on with DD.?
I think it's very sad that he didn't even disagree when you said you felt bottom of his list.
Edited to say ive just seen your update.

He may well, for the moment, feel like caring for the baby is just a "duty". I felt that way with DS1. You fall in love with a baby by caring for it. And your first child is a big, jarring shock for a lot of people, and newborns don't give a lot back, and men, especially if the mother is BF and/or they are back at work early, can feel very alienated from caring for the baby and struggle to get the chance to bond with them. That is a solvable problem. If he spends time with and cares for the baby, their connection will grow.

That won't solve all your problems, evidently. But if you've always felt that you came behind the dogs and his running... What led you to marry him?

This seems a bit like a communication problem. Was the birth traumatic OP? Is he worried or unsure about how to deal with you/baby? Or how to respond to you?
For the priority list, not trying to challenge you is perhaps his way of saying OK I hear you. Rather than say "you're wrong" which may have gone down the wrong way.
He may not say "good morning" to people, I don't. But I do chat to the cats if they appear when I go downstairs.
To be honest first few weeks everyone is going through the motions and neither of you have quite learned things like how to approach bf. It takes time.

There seems to be deeper issues here OP. If you are confident these issues pre date baby then I'd suggest trying to work out what they are and raising them with him. But just bear in mind it's all early days with baby

Why are you feeding the baby elsewhere if you'd have happily fed at the table? It seems odd for you to take yourself off and leave your friends. How is being alone easier? He could argue you're shutting him out.

9 weeks in with sleep deprivation and a new life, you're both attempting to adjust. The physical wellbeing of the baby weighs very heavy on you at the moment, you've had 9 months of bonding time. Your husband hasn't and will take longer. He needs time with the baby without judgement and able to learn his own rhythm with them.

If he won't talk to you about his priorities, that's obviously not OK. Actions do speak louder than words, but try not to distort his actions in your head.

Just wanted to say that DH and I argued so much when we had our first DC, mainly over small things, but got escalated, we were both sleep deprived and had a very unsettled baby and in reality didn’t know what had hit us and whatever DH did or didn’t do, would start an argument. Things settled down once we got into a good routine and I hope you get through this.

@FreightTrain please don't read too much into the "order", I really don't think for a second that the order you gave him is accurate, and based on the fact that you said you have a lovely relationship normally, I don't think you truly believe this either. I think it's your emotions making you think and feel that, and if he is feeling downtrodden and picked on he may just not have the strength to argue it. Just as you're feeling tired, overwhelmed and all over the place, he will be too and it may not be a fight he wants to add fuel to. Can I honestly just suggest that you start to acknowledge some of the day to day things he's doing just so it's not all doom and gloom, and then maybe the other situations will become easier to manage. please rest assured though you will not always feel this way, based on what you've said I'm confident this tricky period will pass

@Mindymomo this is my experience too! Our first month was a lovely perfect bubble and then all hell broke loose for the next 4 months! I don't miss those days 😂

I completely get it and the sleep deprivation will be making things worse.
With the lunch thing it's annoying because you would've felt that he didn't think about you. Remind him for next time to ask the restaurant to keep your food warm, and if he's finished he needs to take baby so you can eat. I think it's frustrating as you wouldn't have had to tell a woman these things, but often with men we have to spell it out and we really shouldn't have to! But keep communicating so he can finally nail the team work/ parenting thing.
The morning is a non issue, especially of he made coffee! X

i found the first year after baby very difficult with my husband and to some extent I still do. But it is a lot better now.I too left alone and low priority…

Like you we didn’t argue a lot and I was quite independent …. I actually ended getting support from my family. Having a child put you in venerable state especially the first 6 months.

I would remember it gets better… but I also advise relationships counselling. Helps communication and reduce resentment.

Are you perhaps anxious and avoidant in your attachment styles? On the one hand I’m a bit sceptical about attachment styles, on the other, watching a few videos about anxious/avoidant has helped DH and I understand each others’ reactions better. I always thought avoidance showed a lack of care, but I don’t think it does.

You really need to apply maximum compassion to everyone it’s such a difficult transition and at that stage I felt so sleep deprived and unhinged. It gets a lot easier 💐

What is he doing to bond with the baby though ? Is he having time feeding her and changing nappies even putting her down for naps ? If not then he probably feels like he doesn't know his place and the dogs welcome him and love him if that makes sense . I've a 12 week old and she was a nightmare for 5/6 weeks I couldn't get her to nap or sleep and as a result of me insisting that I try get her down every time she now won't let my DH totally my fault but I can see he is very hurt as I get all the smiles and she isn't really bothered with him, my point is your DH (and mine to be fair) need more responsibility with the baby and to bond. If you sit down and talk to him I would bet that's part of the problem

I disagree with most of the previous posters. I don't think there's any excuse for how he's behaving. A decent man will step up and take greater care than usual of his wife when she's just had a baby.

Your husband sounds selfish and self-centered. Hopefully, it's because he is failing to adapt as quickly as he ought your new life situation. Not that that is any excuse, but with any luck he will realise he needs to step up hugely and be the husband and father he ought to be.

Keep an eye on it and be very clear with him how disappointed you are with his behaviour. If it doesn't improve soon, you may have some decisions to make.