Left abusive husband, DD sees me as weak

[Bingung]

A few months ago I left my husband of 8 years and moved back to the UK with our DD (7 years old). I had been being abused for years and finally managed to escape. I am coping well; I have a job and am saving for us to get a place of our own (currently living with my parents). DD has been amazing, also. She managed to fit into school really well, and has had quite a positive outlook, despite the occasional emotional challenge that comes up; she recently wrote down her 'issues' in her diary. I was relieved beyond belief when she showed me and top of the list is that she likes a boy in her class, but feels too shy to talk to him, closely followed by worrying about what would happen if a toilet flooded.
We talk a lot, and I have told her repeatedly that she can talk to me/tell me about anything, and she does.
The problem is that she has taken on the role of my own personal carer. She looks out for me constantly, and becomes visibly shaken, almost panicked if I'm not where she expects me to be. She often says things like 'oh mummy, you'd be lost without me.'
While this is completely understandable, today she made a comment to my mum about me being weak.
Over the summer holidays we have been together constantly and I think that this has been really detrimental to DD, she'll be back at school and I will be back at work on Tuesday, so hopefully that will help.
Had anyone experienced anything similar? Should I be worried? I don't know how she can feel safe and confident with me if she thinks that I am not capable of looking after myself.

Ah OP, what a tough time you’ve been through. Well done for getting out, and well done for raising such an empathetic, resilient little girl.

I understand why you’re concerned, but I really think a bit of time will fix this one, given you’re aware of it. She will soon be caught up in the dramas of school etc and will get back to being a kid.

I meant to add: my DD was a bit like this after her dad died, and she still occasionally has flashes of it – there is no denying that kids who have been through trauma are marked by it – but she went back to being precisely as self-absorbed and single sighted as a kid ought to be pretty quickly. She’ll be okay. You’ve done the best thing for her.

Have you confided in her a lot during the breakup? It is something to be mindful of - I’ve walked the line with my own kids are leaving my abusive ex. They were there and know better than anyone why the marriage ended so I don’t want to invalidate their feelings and experiences with “everything’s fine, mummy and daddy still care about other very much!” line - so I have addressed his behaviour and how it made me feel and how it wasn’t ok … while constantly reminding them that they aren’t responsible for managing adults’ emotions. It’s the job of the adults to look after the kids.

You’re obviously not weak at all! My eldest is 9 and he’s had therapy with a child therapist who has been invaluable in terms of helping him but also helping me navigate the whole situation in terms of what to say to the kids, what might be triggering them etc - might be helpful for you and your DD?

I think some therapy would help her. I would also talk to the school.

Maybe some therapy for yourself to so you ensure you are not oversharing.

Maybe her adaptation is "too" good. A bit of bad behaviour might be a healthier sign? Try to make sure she has time and space to play and be a child.

Is she mimicking behaviours she saw in her father? I wonder if he called you weak, said you'd be lost without him, was constantly vigilant?

I'm not suggesting at all that she is or would become abusive, but you've removed her from the dynamic she's used to. Some therapy for both of you might be helpful as you adjust.

Are you the person who was living in the far east? Your child has had a really difficult time and it's not surprising that this is coming out in anxiety. Be patient and try not to worry too much. She will settle.

I have been very careful about trying not to overshare. I have been getting frustrated because she wants us to be a happy family and has been pushing for that - which I think is a very natural thing for her to do. I've tried not to say anything hurtful about her dad because I know that it won't help (I say things like 'daddy loves you very much, but daddy was not good to mummy and I don't want to be around him anymore.') But I think that she can see how frustrated I am getting (I have always had one of those faces that tells you exactly how I feel, even when I'm trying to pretend otherwise, and honestly, I have been in more frequent bad moods and a bit snappy over the last couple of weeks, probably because of the joy of the summer holidays), which is having a bad impact on her.
I have spoken to her school and she has spoken to someone there, but I think she is very good at masking because I'm just being told that she is absolutely fine.
I will look into other options for therapy for both DD and me.

Yes, this is exactly what I am worried about - she has just been so adaptable that it seems too good to be true :/

Honestly I think a long exposure to you being strong and drawing attention to your strength will help with this. DH’s mum was abused for decades and while they wouldn’t use the word weak they would know she was vulnerable and deeply affected by the trauma of abuse and a victim. Maybe your daughter at 7 doesn’t have that vocabulary or insight. They definitely would not have seen their mother as capable but I think by leaving and now doing all of the things you are setting up for your daughter she will learn to trust that you are very capable.

Nah she isn’t overly adaptable she is taking on a parental role in her own mind it is very typical with trauma. Definitely therapy for both of you would really help to reset her child role.

Yes, that's me. I really hope that DD settles.. I am hoping that the summer holidays and the amount of time that we have been together (so far every day for 6 weeks) has amplified things and that soon life will get in the way, and we'll both have other things to think about for at least some of the time.