Attempted to or managed to forgive an affair? Please read!

[ncforthis2024]

I did start a thread of my situation a few weeks ago but had to delete it as he found it. I’ll try to keep details minimal.

In summary

• Discovered pages of messages, love letter from her, nudes, probable sexting, lots of late night phonecalls, emotional outpourings from both, multiple times lying to me whilst on the phone to her, lifts home from work, ‘long hugs’ but nothing else physical (I know this because she describes how good it will be when they finally kiss 🤢).
• Confronted him - him crying, begging, so ashamed, he’s ruined his life etc. Looks like a broken man. Booked and attend couples therapy as well as his own individual therapy.
• Our marriage (5yrs together for 8) tricky for last year (babies now 3+4, work, serious illness etc). We knew we needed to work on things but felt we were slowly on our way back to a good place with weekends away, holidays, date nights this year etc.

To say this blindsided me would be an understatement.

I’ve read just about every affair post on Mumsnet and it seems to be the following for those that got through it:

1. The cheating spouse was not defensive or argumentative. They did not minimise, blame or deflect. They were totally transparent with phones, emails etc and no longer attached to their devices. They answered all questions, no matter how many times they repeated themselves or how trivial the details seemed. They owned up to their mistakes, volunteering new information even if the spouse had no evidence, in order to be accountable and open. Attends couples therapy.
2. The betrayed spouse used this as a ‘wake up call’ to start living life for themselves. Maybe a new hobby or some time to themselves. Taking more care of themselves in order to feel good within, not just look good on the outside. Being kind to yourself and not making huge decisions quickly. Not putting a time limit of your feelings, or a definite black and white plan. Couples therapy and individual therapy.

Does anyone else have anything to add or words of wisdom if you decided to stay and try again? Or why in the end you decided you couldn’t move on?

Disclaimer: I can’t even think let alone make any huge decisions. But I can’t look at him and he has definitely not acted how I would expect a truly remorseful partner to act. A few couples therapy sessions but have just angered me.

Thankyou and I’m so sorry to anyone who has been through this. You are all amazing ❤️

I can't help I'm afraid. From what I've seen the majority of people try (not a large majority but a majority) but only a small percentage of them make it past five years.
Bumping this up for you in case anyone has anything more useful to say.

Hi
I'm just a year in from finding out, it's not easy!
Take time for yourself. I realised I'd become his wife and not just myself - it's been really important for me to realise I stay through choice but would be fine on my own too.
Husband was very upfront and answered everything I wanted to know. I can pick up his phone anytime I want to look at. I have to say I don't do it anymore, but at the beginning it was a big thing for me. Total disclosure of anything was my main thing to reconciliation. Totally no contact with OW.
My OH was mortified at his actions, really hadn't a clue why he'd done it

We work on our relationship now whereas we'd both tended to let it go. Time together as a couple is really important to us, but we still have our own time too. Neither of us were ever "clingy:

I'm still sure I love him and want to be with him, but that is my choice.

I think the challenge comes from resentment.

As I pointed out in another recent post, it’s when he speaks to you badly and you’ll think “I bet you never spoke to her like that.”

Or maybe in bed during intimacy, your mind will wander to query if he did that particular move or whatever, with her?

You see him naked and you know she would have seen him like that.

So many triggers. So many push him away (the ba*tard) and pulling him back because he’s familiar, father of your kids and so on.

I reckon in the end it will crucify you. In the end, it’ll break you. The mental load is massive as you navigate a new-look future which will never be the same again with him. You can’t turn the clock back. It will always be life before the cheating and life afterwards.

You might as well stop wasting more time on him and pull out now.

☝️this advice is spot on. I speak from a similar experience although mine hadn't had an affair, he'd been visiting prostitutes and got involved with one in particular. So sorry you are having to go through this s**t. I felt it was like a mirror having cracked. You try and mend it but the damage is beyond repair. Do what you feel is best for YOU.

I tried for 4 years once I found out my wife was having an affair to save the marriage. It was a waste of time. She never stopped contact and probably never stopped the affair.
The affair should of been my wake up call but I stayed and also suffered domestic and financial abuse in those 4 years as well.
Be very careful and make sure you get all your things in order in case you do decide to walk away

Whether you stay toy or separate - you neve get over it.

You have more of a chance or rebuilding your self esteem and self worth if you separate, but this often comes at the price of your children's stability.

I'm sorry. It's tough, especially when you didn't choose it.

I'm tempted to say don't bother tbh. My DH has had two affairs now. I honestly think that it is just who he is, he has shown me how much he loves me (not much evidently).

I'm in this situation at the moment. He is outwardly very remorseful, never any defensiveness, answers any questions etc etc.. but then that's just basic isn't it. Of course he would do that, he doesn't want a messy expensive divorce. I still love him but sometimes I don't like him very much, and when I think about them it's crucifying. I don't want a messy expensive divorce either, and I don't want him moving on with her (he says he wouldn't but no brainer). I don't want my kids spending every other weekend with her playing mama to them. Maybe in a year or two I'll get past that, then I'll kick him out. Who knows. Our relationship is much nicer now than it was before I found out. The year when he was cheating it was awful, before that it had got a bit toxic too. Now we're both nicer to each other. I don't think it'll last though, I think I'm probably just reacting at the moment, making sure everything is my choice. That sounds ridiculous of course, as none of this was ever in any way anything I chose! He thinks it'll all just be a little blip we look back on in 20 years time. I think it has irrevocably changed our relationship, but I'm just not ready to deal with it yet, and I'm not letting them push me anywhere, not til I'm ready.

Hi@ncforthis2024 sorry you are going through this. Have a look at the Chump Lady website and book. She takes the view staying together is very tough and tackles lots of the myths around trying to save your marriage.

As my psychiatrist said to me ‘only you can decide to end your marriage but it is okay to decide that when you feel the time has come.’

As you can see from my user name I am now happy for someone else to have to put up with him🤣. Didn’t feel like that at first but now I am happy to be free. I consider that another woman having my ex is her loss and my gain.

Know one else truly knows your relationship read and listen to advice and then do what feels right for you. Big hugs and best wishes OP.

I agree with the good advice ready given.
My exH was so apologetic, transparent and went above and beyond every day to make good his error (of his own choosing / no guilting by me, or referencing the event at all).
We got by very well for several more years and had lots of fun times again.
Sadly there is always a scar - no matter how hard they try to make amends, it simply cannot be erased completely.
Insidiously the 'why did he do that / why did he risk and ruin everything?' crept into my thoughts with increasing frequency and after a few years of having been at peace with things, it was like my feelings for him had very slowly diminished and I started pushing him away. I didn't want to, but something had gone and I just couldn't get it back.
It was such a shame.
In hindsight, I sometimes wish I had ended things back when it happened, because I feel like I ended up in the same place anyway, just 7 years later.
The person you love(d) and think the world of, cheating on you is the most hurtful thing I've ever experienced.

This this this.

Honestly really depends I think OP. I gave it a go but just couldn't shake the fact he was likely thinking about her every time we had sex or were intimate for the months he was having the emotional affair. He was keen to try and make things work, I was open to it but ultimately it wasn't worth it for me. One of my close friends however overcame their husbands affair and they're happier than ever. I'd say be open minded and prepared to walk away if it's not working for you.

@ncforthis2024 This bit stood out for me But I can’t look at him and he has definitely not acted how I would expect a truly remorseful partner to act. A few couples therapy sessions but have just angered me.

In what way is he not acting how a remorseful person would act? Or how would you like his behaviour to be different and why?
Anger at therapy is okay- are you comfortable enough there to explore that? It’s early days for counselling- give it 6 weeks and if you still didn’t feel like you were getting somewhere then try another counsellor.

In my previous work I counselled couples. I would always suggest 6 weeks minimum but a post-affair situation would likely be more realistically 12 weeks but perhaps the last few not weekly… I had one couple who overcame the affair and married the following year (they’d been together for years and 2 kids but not married) and are still together (as far as I know) 5 years on. I also had couples who, through therapy, realised the damage was done and they separated but learnt better communication and got some support to make divorce slightly easier, albeit always a difficult process.

It is not impossible to overcome an affair and rebuild trust. But, like any other loss, it is never gone and you learn to live alongside it. Some people just don’t rebuild the trust or their feelings have changed as a result of the seismic shift… and that’s okay too. No right or wrong.

How terribly sad that he cheated within five years of marriage. What a weak man. He gave in to his lust at a time when you were devoted to your babies, instead of holding you the mother of his children as his dearest partner.

How will you get over that betrayal?

I think the hardest thing to get over is that he would have carried on if he hadn't been caught out.

The remorse, the promises never to do it again, the tears, the willingness to attend therapy etc are all going through the motions and I do not believe they are ever 100% sincere.

If you can forgive and forget and move on then there is still the element that deep down he is angry at you for catching him out and he will always carry that deep seated notion of wanting to get one over you again.

My DH had an emotional affair last year, and it was and has been brutal. The hardest year of my life. BUT, I would say, at this point, it has been worth staying together and I’m glad we have this far.

DH organised marriage counselling, counselling for him solo, and also for me solo, which we definitely wouldn’t have made it without. I needed him to scrabble around and organise it all to show he was trying. One of the sessions I asked for a full run down of what had happened - I needed to know details, like what was he thinking when X happened etc. I think I just wanted it to make sense. He still answers questions now, but I try and only ask them now if it’s really necessary - like do I need to know this? Does it change anything?

He immediately called the OW and told her I knew and not to contact him again - she tried very hard to contact him via lots of different ways, and he was almost horrified when it happened and told me immediately. She messaged me and was very angry with me, which was hard - I remember screaming at DH “just fix this and make it stop”. He changed his phone number, we have moved house, he’s deleted all social media etc, I have full access to his phone. The most reassuring thing for me is the latter - whereas before his phone was always on him and he would freak if the kids went near it, now it beeps and he will say “someone check that for me”.

Our relationship now is completely different to what it was. I almost think of it as a new relationship because our marriage ended the day I found out about his affair. We communicate so much better now, there’s a trust being rebuilt, but if there’s a niggle I call it out straight away. I tolerate less and I think that forced him to either be better or leave, and I’m glad he chose to be better.

Theres no easy path, and like a pp said, it changed the way I thought about him. There was a period where I was so let down and turned off by his lack of integrity, but his recovery of that was by owning it (publicly) and trying every day to be better.

we are only 1 year on, and I don’t have this fairytale idea we will last forever now, but I hope we do, and every day we try and build our relationship up for that to happen. I wish you luck, it’s a shitty, heart breaking position to be in ❤️

Thankyou so much for your replies everyone and I’m so sorry you have been in this situation before ❤️

Yes, his behaviour after I found out had been weird and was full of lots of minimising and deflection at the beginning. He now says he has seen the error of his ways and knows it was an affair - this has only made me more angry that I not only have to forgive the eight months of cheating on me and every tiny little micro betrayals (every lie, deleted message, choosing her needs over mine and the children etc) but I also have to forgive his infuriating behaviour after I found out (which included ringing her to tell her because he was ‘crying so much and had no one else to talk to’) and lying to me again).

Does anyone regret staying?

At this point, I unsurprisingly don’t trust him and can’t imagine I ever will. It’s niggling away at me that he will 100% do this again. Maybe not in a few years, maybe in 10 years - when the children are older, the OW is really worth it this time and the guilt he’s feeling now is a distant memory.