If nothing BIG happened, when did you know it was over?

[Planits]

Just that really. 12 years together and neither of us are happy… nothing dramatic has happened. So how do we know when the end has arrived?

I think there is just a feeling you get when you know it’s the end. One of my closest friends went through this recently and she said she knew it was the end when she no longer even wanted to try any of the usual things to get back on track (dates, counselling, intimacy, effort etc). They didn’t hate each other, nobody did anything wrong and they still had love for each other but weren’t IN love with each other anymore. Good luck OP x

It sounds like it is the end.

My end was quite dramatic in that it was so unexpected and all he said was a some unforgivable words. I took my time and things were delayed due to a bereavement but I was talking to my therapist one day and it was a lightbulb moment and that was it. All over.

Thank you both. Sorry you went through that @BirthdayRainbow

I think it's when you hear them come home from home and your heart sinks.

Thanks @Planits . I really hope you find what you are looking for.

You sit at home together and barely speak, things you both do just irritate each other, there’s no feeling of desire or intimacy, doubting their behaviour, actually glad if they go out as you can stop pretending to be interested, sex , if it happens just feels mechanical, but nothing has ever really occurred to cause it, just drift further and further apart, the spark has just gone

This is my life 😕

Sad isn’t it, you feel like leaving would be the best thing but there are so many obstacles, would be easier if there actually was a reason, affair or something then you would just go, but when it’s just drifting apart ,it’s tackling finances, selling house finding new accommodation that you like but within a new much reduced budget, in our case looking after grandkids, who’d do it and where, transport,so many things so you just stay put and hope against hope that maybe something might just reignite the spark , we managed to on holiday but within a few days of returning just back to where it was, wish there was an easy answer for all of us in similar situations

I’m sorry @Sadcafe that you’re experiencing something similar. It’s so tough. We’re just co-existing, like housemates that share a bed. Rarely chat and when we do it’s very transactional - who will pick DC up from their club tomorrow, etc - if we ever do go for dinner or something it becomes awkward as there’s nothing to talk about. No shared interests or activities that we do together. Neither of us want to separate but we’re not really happy together either, so what do you do.

My h gave me a reason to leave. He had an affair. I didn't leave. Prior to this I'd read a thread similar on here and someone said when you wish your h would have an affair so you could leave. I thought, heck that's me. Then years later he did. I so wish he hadn't. I have been left with a neurological issue because of the shock plus the words he said to me last year which WAS the end of our marriage.

I divorced him over words. So please see that you can divorce over how you feel as well.

I was with my ex husband for 10 years, and over I'd say the last 3 of them, we had very little to do with each other.

We went through the day to day - went to work, came home, silently watched TV and ate and then went to bed. There was nothing that resembled a relationship/marriage left.

I moved into the spare room 4 months before I moved out, but I'd say our marriage ended really gradually over a period of time and then one day it was just really, really clear that there was nothing left to fight for, and anyway - nobody wanted to.

We'd had lots of conversations about where we were, and why we thought that might be the case, then one day he came in from work and told me he didn't love me anymore, and he wouldn't be able to bring that back. To be honest I'd known that for a while deep down.

That year was genuinely the worst of my life, I'd be very surprised if I have any tears left. At the time I was getting 2/3hrs sleep a night and must have looked absolutely horrendous.

There was a pretty long period after we separated I thought I'd never be happy again. But I've been with my new partner for almost 3 years now, and that couldn't be further from the truth.

Honestly think when you know, you know. We both knew really, he just ripped the plaster off, and in the long run - it'll be okay.

When I knew I wasn’t making him happy at the deepest level-we were perfectly happy day to day and from the outside we were idyllically happy. But i knew we weren’t actually content and happy. I had a very brief emotional affair and that enabled the relationship to end wholly. We coparent very amicably and have both found new partners (very quickly!) that make each of us wholly content and happy.

Thank you everyone for sharing. I feel very sad. I don’t want it to be over but I don’t know if our relationship is salvageable. Can’t we just continue living as friends who are married?!

You can, but why would you?

You both deserve to be with someone who is in love with you, and to experience relationship happiness again.

There's more to life than being in a friendship marriage.