Needing space versus needing reassurance

[MassiveTit]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for some advice here. I am in a complicated relationship with a really wonderful man but at times we disagree and then things escalate really quickly. He withdraws and needs space and becomes quite cold. I panic and spiral without reassurance and panic dump him/weirdly over push him away. I have explained how much I spiral when I feel ignored but he also says he just needs space and he also feels panicked he is going to say something wrong. I can see he needs space but I also need reassurance and the two don't really go well. This dynamic turns a simple debate into a big deal. For example, right now we are dealing with a big miscommunication which he agrees should have upset me a lot. He says he needs to process but I am left here spiralling and feeling awful. Then I text him begging him to respond (I know) and he says he can't now.

Everything else is really wonderful. We don't live together because of families but we see each other twice a week and talk to each other at least once a day. I would say this happens maybe 3 or 4 times a year but it would probably happen more if we lived together - the misunderstanding was I thought he didn't want us to love together, the reality is that he does when it will work.

So I don't know whether to suck it up and try to be better at giving him space or whether it is better to walk away now before I commit too much because this is a big incompatibility. I am also not sure who is 'right' and I sometimes get fed up that need for space always trumps need for reassurance.

I wanted to bump this because things have escalated and he is now saying he has doubts about us moving in together because I escalate things but he also escalates things by needing space any time he feels criticised. In his own words, he can't be kind when he feels under attack even if he is under attack from himself because he has behaved badly. What do I do to deal with this?

Run. As fast as you can RUN from him. I had this. He ruined me. He ruined us with his ridiculousness and avoidant ways. Adults have to deal with things and face things all of the time not stonewall. It is abuse and he can say anything he likes but the silent treatment, stonewalling, just not endevouring to communicate like a grown up is abuse and the fact he knows it triggers you makes it worse. He wont change, you wont. You communicate totally differently. If I could go back in time and change anything about my life this is one thing I would have ran from. It is no environment for you to be in and it will not get better. I really feel for you I have ptsd still over it all but this is not the relationship you need.

I'm going to disagree with the PP. My husband is like this. Whenever he feels criticised he retreats and is unable or unwilling to communicate or engage in resolving an issue immediately. He tends to be quite distant and cold during this time, while like you, I need immediate reassurance, comfort, while an issue remains unresolved. This made the first year of marriage very difficult. But we've both adapted our responses to conflict and things aren't so bad now. Depending on how emotional I am, he is now prepared to be available immediately after some conflicts, and I have learnt to trust that he does actually want to resolve issues but needs time to process accusations/criticisms- he always comes out of his emotional retreat holding an olive branch, and this has helped me learn patience in the aftermath of arguments.

Thank you, both. My ex husband was a stone waller and like @Psychoticbreak, I think I have some PTSD from the experience. That's why I spiral so fast and why I am wondering what to do now. It seems silly to break up with someone wonderful for the sake of a handful of times when this happens.

My instincts are that he is more like @Grinty1's husband and I prolong the agony by not giving him space and make things work. I am trying that now. I shall let him come to me. I think the difference will be in whether he comes to me with an olive branch or just ignoring the whole problem. He agreed that I was right to be upset initially so if he comes with ways of fixing things, I think it's okay. If he pushes it under the carpet, then I know he is like my ex.

I really love him. I haven't ever felt like this before. It's so hard. I have a busy period at work that means either I stay with him regularly or we won't see each other because of distance. I had it all organised with my kids' dad and work. The argument was over my feelings that he didn't really want me there which I think now were wrong but he can see why I felt like that. Now of course, I feel even less welcome and the arrangement is supposed to start in 2 weeks. It is that he is calling into question so it doesn't help my feelings of security.

I guess if he comes back and is willing to deal with the problem then it is okay and if he doesn't then I have to walk away.

It's so hard and I am so tired really. It sometimes feels like you can work really hard but one mistake blows the whole thing up and erases all the time and effort. It sounds so pathetic but I just want to love someone and be loved in return a la Ewan McGregor.

I think you both sound like nightmares. It isn’t clear whether he (or you) actually want to resolve anything, assuming you are capable of it.

my feelings that he didn't really want me there which I think now were wrong but he can see why I felt like that. Now of course, I feel even less welcome
You are catastrophising and then projecting the catastrophe onto him.

The actual answer here is for both of you to have long term therapy to deal with your different but equally maladjusted coping strategies. He is killing the fire of the relationship by throwing water on it, but you’re smothering it which is equally effective in putting it out.

Thank you. That's helpful. I feel like I need a bit if a stern talking to because I can see this running out of control.

May I ask whether you have any strategies for dealing with those insecurities beyond therapy? Would you walk away now during this busy time and see things in the new year with a fresh head.

I do want to resolve things and I do want to stop this maladaptive coping pattern spiralling.

It's so hard and I am so tired really.

This is not a good thing to be feeling about a partnership. Relationships feel like hard work when we invest more than we get back. This means there's a power imbalance. Sometimes that can't be avoided - with children, for example - but our adult relationships are supposed to ease and enhance our lives, not make them worrying and stressful!

If you wanted a bit of superficial pop psychology, I'd suggest you have an anxious attachment style while his is avoidant. This is a classically dysfunctional pairing: anxious and avoidant people are often powerfully attracted but pursuing these relationships only leads to a spiral of repetitive arguments.

I want to stress that you may not be anxious/insecure. Loving someone who recurrently withdraws from you can make you feel destabilised and undermines your confidence.

It might be best to reconsider whether this pairing is good for you.

It doesn’t sound ‘‘wonderful’.

How long have you been dating, why is it ‘complicated’ and what are the disagreements actually about? How long does he avoid you for each time?

He doesn’t ‘need’ space and you don’t ‘need’ reassurance or someone else to stop you ‘spiralling’..

Do you have DC? If so, don’t think continuing a relationship like this, and especially moving in, seems in their interests.

‘May I ask whether you have any strategies for dealing with those insecurities beyond therapy?’ self help, eg online videos, sites, books.

Don’t stay with him, focus on your DC, busy work period etc.

DP and I are similar to this. It's how you work on it that is key I think.

His instinct is to go back to his for space but I feel rejected and like the going gets tough and he wants to walk away. He has never gone just said he wants to, but now he gets how much it pushes my rejection button he doesn't. He goes off for his space at mine and I leave him to it. He said he gave himself a talking to that it's not just him now it's 'us' and 'us' is more important to him.

Equally I am trying to work on myself for wanting to resolve things instantly. Not everyone wants to talk things out there and then especially if they are grumpy or in a bad space. Giving them some time often helps them reflect and settle down to be in a better place to communicate. I know this is a me issue. To be honest the only thing that helps is going through it, and actually seeing us come out the other side and everything be OK. It's usually a couple of hours or the next morning and things are fine. And DP isn't shitty, we don't sleep separately he might just say he's tired/going to go to bed early and I don't follow him straight away.

The big thing for me with needing space is explaining it and ideally saying when you might be able to come back ie. I'm going for some quiet time but I'll be back down later, as opposed to just disappearing as then I'd be like OK but how annoyed are you should I not come to bed etc.

DP and I are both having therapy and both had crap childhoods and I think how we instinctively react is a result of that. The important thing is to communicate and try to fairly compromise.

It sounds like you're doing all the work.

It's not about how wonderful things are when there are no problems, the test of a relationship is how you handle the problems, which is not well.

And I agree with you this would be far worse if you lived together so don't consider it.

Thank you. The catastrophising comment really helped because I realised even though I was feeling calm, I was actually still spiralling so thank you @MoveToParis of course, one row shouldn't be enough to make me feel unsafe. That was melodramatic.

I think that dynamic of anxious and avoidant is the case in this relationship but also coupled with my tendency to over give which happens in any romantic or non romantic relationship. He has always been very good at supporting me when I feel drained and recognising that I do do more practically and emotionally and he does try to match me. I think there are spectrums of attachment styles. I really don't think this is a toxic mix. Like I said, I had 18 years married to someone who is like this pathologically and it broke me and us.

I think as well we both find it impossible to just argue. One of us (and it changes) always pulls the 'I guess you just want to dump me' card and that is so damaging because it keeps the relationship in a state of flux or uncertainty. Realising that I think starts to be a way forward to resolve it.

I just want to talk to him. I know he will be sad. I have seen him after anything where he is criticised at work and he really does find it hard. I want to hold him so much and tell him it's just a silly row. I didn't even criticise him, I really am quite a gentle person.

This thread is probably pretty embarrassing but thank you everyone for your help. I really woke up this morning in despair and you have helped me see that my behaviour hasn't been great either and what I need to think about. It has also stopped me texting him!!

I think you would benefit greatly from learning meditation and then when he goes off and has his little quiet time you should sit down and meditate and go into your safe spot or calm spot and sit still a meditate and breathe and wait.

Thank you. That is also helpful. The minutes drag when I am waiting to see if he will contact me. I realise I need to be more confident that he will and that silence isn't rejection. I need to find something to occupy myself.

I probably also need to take back control today. I was really ashamed last night because I had a games night with the kids and I was so anxious and upset that I kept checking my phone and trying not to cry. I look at it now and that is ridiculous.

‘One of us (and it changes) always pulls the 'I guess you just want to dump me' card’

that is not good. One or both of you isn’t equipped for a relationship.

You seem in denial because this relationship is better than your bad marriage: it’s a bit ’women who give too much’

Thank you. I am going backwards and forwards on whether this is a good thing. Really it is 99% of the time but when we argue it always goes like this. This is only the second time this year so it is not a daily occurrence.

I am starting to see how I am exhausting for others. Yes, space trumps reassurance always and that frustrates me but I might be doing similar with insecurity. I can see now how hard it would be to have someone not really trusting you or second guessing everything. It's kind of pathetic and slightly encouraged by society but also such hard work to live with I imagine.

I do know that book and I have read it a few times. It's just a little heart breaking because I don't want to be like that.

I am going to leave it for today. If we want to resolve things then time isn't going to hurt.

Thank you again. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate people saying things even if they weren't what I wanted to hear