Should I stay or walk away?

[jseekinganswers]

Hi everyone,

I’m (F29) in a difficult place with my boyfriend (M29). We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, especially in the first year, and I’m having trouble moving past them.

I want to know whether you think it’s possible to get over the past or to walk away?

Timeline:

• Oct 2022: First date. Met 2 more times in the following weeks.
• Nov–Dec 2022: Texted daily, but he avoided seeing me. When I tried to end it, he’d convince me to stay.
• Dec 2022: 4th date, then started seeing each other weekly.
• Feb 2023: Agreed to stop dating others.
• Apr 2023: Discovered he was still using dating apps, but he claimed he hadn’t met or slept with anyone.
• Apr 2023: I went on a date as he wasn’t committing but told him prior, which upset him, and we reaffirmed our commitment.
• May 2023: My friend found him on dating apps again.
• May 2023: He wasn’t committing, but I couldn’t walk away because he’d always convince me to stay.
• Mid June he tells me how crazy he is about me and he wants to throw himself into this - I take this as he is now my boyfriend finally. Very excitedly tell my friends.
• Week later, at a festival with his and my friends and his friend tells my BFF ‘I don’t understand why he won’t make her his girlfriend, he just can’t let go of being a fuck boy’. I’m humiliated as I’ve told my friends he is my boyfriend.
• We then had a conversation about this and I said ‘I’m confused if you’re my boyfriend or not’, he replied ‘do you want me to be’ I replied ‘I thought you were’ and he said ‘yeah I think so’.
• Early July 2023 I questioned him on why we had the conversation twice and I was still confused by it, and he said ‘I don’t know, I’ve just never put a label on us’, so I was like wtf, not again… He then said ‘you’re basically my gf yeah’ so I took that at face value and we were then BF/GF
• Aug 2023: I told him I loved him; he didn’t say it back but expressed strong feelings when drunk.
• Oct 2023: On our second holiday, he told me he loved me.
• May 2024: Have a conversation about when we want to move in together, I said Jan 2025 as both our tenancies are up, he agreed but then backtracks that he meant 2026. We have a big fight, and then agree to meet in the middle at Summer 2025. He then speaks with his housemates who are both moving in with their partners in Jan 2025 so it makes more sense for him to also do the same.

Main issue
Mid August 2024 I went on his phone
Found out he had been dating multiple people up until April/May 2024
Went back to one girls place but swears he didn’t sleep with her and adamant that he hasn’t slept with anyone else since me
I also searched my own name and found the following:
March 2023 his friends asked if he wanted to bring me to the pub to meet his friends and he said ‘fuck that I don’t like her like that’
His friend in July 2023 asking if he wanted to bring me as a plus one and he kept swerving the question
August 2023 his friend asked if I was his girlfriend yet and he said no
He says it’s all banter but obviously it has now ruined everything for me

His Background:

• Had a 3-year relationship (2017-2020) that left him with commitment issues.
• Despite saying she was controlling, he moved quickly with her including moving in within 8 months, which makes me insecure about how slowly things have progressed with us.

My Insecurities:

• I’m struggling with how long it took him to commit and why it took multiple attempts.
• It’s hard seeing both of our friends, who’ve been in relationships for less time, moving faster in their relationships and makes me question what’s wrong with me that I’m not enough for him to want to do these things!

Honestly, he's messing you about and doesn't respect you or love you.

There are tons of nicer guys around and there's nothing wrong with being single, too. There's nothing worse than having your head messed up by someone who isn't worthy of you. Go cold turkey and don't ever get back with him again.

Run, don't walk.

Don't chase after people (friends, lovers, whatever) who aren't actively seeking you out.

Oh lovely. It isn't meant to be this hard. Call it quits now before children come along. Definitely don't move in together

You deserve so much better

Didn’t even read all of this, if you have to set out a timeline about what’s gone wrong in your relationship I think it’s over really.

LEAVE!
You need to stay away from relationships until you work on your self-esteem.

I can’t get into the mindset of someone that can be “convinced to stay” by someone who shows such utter contempt for them and repeatedly humiliates them.

I can only assume your self esteem is nonexistent, so my advice would be to work on that.

As a side note, I hope you don’t want children because this guy is going to fuck with your head throughout your child bearing age years, and then dump you properly when your fertility has dropped off a cliff.

I think the difficulty I’m facing is we are now in a good committed place, however I just can’t seem to get over what happened the first year of our now nearly 2 years together.

He’s now a great boyfriend, but I just can’t shift that insecurity.

I keep toying back and fourth between should I stay and focus on how it is now, or leave and find someone who wants me from the start and treats me as I deserve 💔

If I was your BFF I’d be telling you to kick him into touch! He’s not ready to settle with anyone, least of all you.
He’s playing you and you’re giving him too much headspace.
It’ll be hard but stop wasting time on this dishonest nonsense from him.
Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant by him.

Found out he had been dating multiple people up until April/May 2024

You’re in a good committed place now? Since June of this year? So what, 10-12 weeks or so?

Nah, you just haven’t found the messages and new online profiles yet. All that’s happened is he’s got better at hiding them.

correction - dating people up until April/May of 2023 not this year! I definitely wouldn’t still be with him if 2024 was the case 🤦🏼‍♀️

My comment still stands - he’s just got better at hiding what he’s up to.

I know you say he is now a great boyfriend OP but I would have great difficulty trusting him.
If he is being a great boyfriend I would think it's because it suits him ATM. And if at any point it doesn't suit him I think he will just do what he wants, possibly behind your back.

Dump him like a tonne of bricks
If you're confused it means somethings not right.

Proper loving relationship doesn’t leave you confused

I understand how difficult it is to see it when you are in the middle of it and emotionally involved, but that whole timeline just screamed that he isn't that into you. You are the "good enough for now" girlfriend, not his life partner, not the woman he has fallen head over heels for. I have seen this happen with male friends of mine several times. Suddenly they meet "the one" and the previous girlfriend they've strung along gets dumped at record speed and they move in and have the future together that the previous girlfriend was holding out for. This relationship does not have a great future, sorry.

Why on earth do you need to ask?! This isn't the basis of a good relationship. Move on. You can do a lot better than this. You need to work on your self-esteem too.

I had an ex boyfriend who cheated in the first six months. Became a fantastic boyfriend (as far as I’m aware although suspect I just didn’t find things out). But… I couldn’t help shake the feeling that he had shown me his colours and was not a safe partner. I left him two/three years down the line.

He has subsequently cheated on EVERY woman he has been with including his wife multiple times. Nice guy but just utterly unsafe.

Honestly leave, you’d be stupid to stay.

This is why I am very pro-marriage. It's easier to know who is messing around and who is committed.

RUN!!

Your boyfriend should not make you feel insecure, ashamed etc. It also should not be a battle to want him to commit.

You should both want to commit to each other without any kind of prompting.

May 2024: Have a conversation about when we want to move in together, I said Jan 2025 as both our tenancies are up, he agreed but then backtracks that he meant 2026. We have a big fight, and then agree to meet in the middle at Summer 2025. He then speaks with his housemates who are both moving in with their partners in Jan 2025 so it makes more sense for him to also do the same. so he is still the same. Switching back and forth, not up for commitment.

Just imagine that was your wedding. Or the decision to have (or not have) children. Could you live with that? For the rest of your life?

You are wasting your time, love and energery.

You're in a casual relationship as far as he is concerned. He clearly doesn't want a 'girlfriend', he wants someone who he sees when he wants too. He's not interested in seeing one woman, probably because that would me he'd need to be exclusive and that borders on committment. I'm sorry, he doesn't want, what you want. You need to accept that you're being strung along and move on. He sounds massively immature to me.

He's dreadful. Dump him.

I don't give a shit how 'committed' you think he is at this point - he behaved like a deeply unpleasant tosser for a long time, and that demonstrates that he believes it is totally ok to treat people like shit if you feel like it.

That's who he is. Go find someone else. Otherwise I guarantee you'll be back here in a decade talking about your shit DP who does nothing with the kids, talks to you like dirt and you've just found out is shagging around behind your back.

Take this in and then dump him.

https://youtube.com/shorts/NDZVyrhANY8?si=y0svTFPOtjt7UQva

“PinkLemonade555 · Today 13:04
Didn’t even read all of this, if you have to set out a timeline about what’s gone wrong in your relationship I think it’s over really.”

This with bells on. You say you’re in a committed place but that’s just not true. He has been cheating on you, lying and just generally messing you around throughout the first year of your relationship. He’s lied to you about what’s been happening on those dates - do you really believe he’s just been drinking coffee and chatting when he’s gone home with women? His friends know him to be a fuck boy and that’s how he’s behaved. That’s who he is.

And this is on him - not because of his previous relationship. He is a fuck boy and probably was in his previous relationship also. You cannot possibly build a future with this guy - you will have no peace.

And he’s not changed on the commitment from: he’s said he doesn’t want to move in with you until January 2026 - you say you “agreed to meet in the middle” at summer 2025 but it reads that you’re begging him to move in and he doesn’t want to. That can only be because he doesn’t want to make that commitment to you which will be because he wants to keep his options open.

Talk is cheap especially from a lying cheat. This guy’s not a prize; he’s not a keeper. Your timeline shows that you have been hanging on to the tiniest, most meaningless crumbs and nothing has really changed. You’re both 29, not teenagers. Don’t waste any more time on him. Please, @jseekinganswers - find your self respect and get him gone and keep him gone. Please also consider having some therapy to work out why you have hung on in there with a guy who has treated you so badly.

This whole situation sounds horrible for you op.

And it's gone on for so long.

You care for him.

He really doesn't care for you. He behaves really badly towards you.

Please end it. That timeline is humiliating.

Leave him now. Stop making excuses about being in a good place now. He will never be the man you want him to be. He will never move in with you. He's a player and probably always will be

I only read a bit of the OP. Walk away. You are only 27. He's not the one for you.