Can we talk erectile dysfunction....

[Mummyto4WM]

Okay, ladies...
I am losing my mind. My partner and I have been together for several years now.

We didn't have sex for the first 9 or so months, he put it down to his catholic beliefs. We then tried and nothing for another 3 months. He stated it was lack of confidence and worry which meant he couldnt get hard. I encouraged him to attend the GP.

Unsure what he told the GP but it was labelled psychosexual. He did some online courses or whatever. No change.

We had a conversation as I sought to unpick it further. He admitted he doesn't masterbate as he can't get hard and this has been a problem for 7 years (he never told me this before). It may explain partly why his ex wife cheated but that's another story.

I encourage him to return to the GP. He ends up with some medication, following blood tests he said came back clear. He can sometimes get hard. Sometimes not. He has always until earlier this year been a massive secret drinker, he also does long distance cycling.

I dont know where else to turn? His dishonesty around it makes it difficult to move the issue forward.

He's 37. Anyone got any advice or good new stories?

Dump him and find someone else.

The heavy secret is almost certainly part of the problem. You say he’s stopped - but are you sure?

@AuCo44 - absolutely not sure at all. In May, I found 11 cans of beer that he hid in the bin, after i went away for a few days with the girls. I called him out and he lied about having the boys round. He eventually admitted he felt stressed and drank them all over a 24 hour period

I strongly suspect that the drinking either caused or exacerbated the issue. He could still be drinking, in which case, the problem is unlikely to be resolved. If he has genuinely stopped, the psychological effects of the last seven years will take time and effort (possibly therapy) to overcome.
Good luck.

I'd leave.

Not because of the ED but the lies, lack of care about how this might effect you and the drinking.

Just read your update. He has a drinking problem. He has lied.
I’d leave. Sorry op.

If you are determined to try then suggest he goes back to the GP with full disclosure of everything.

I think maybe the drinking and cycling could be a red herring though if you believe he has largely stopped heavy drinking (minus the occasional binge). He's 37, so unless he's seriously intoxicated at the time, there's something else at play.

Is he actually catholic? Does this play a part? What was his sex life like within his previous marriage?

Has he tried viagra?

Please don't inflict an alcoholic liar on your four children. They don't deserve it.

I really don’t think it’s the cycling!

@MissyMoz & @Whatafuckingknob I've kinda normalised his lies. He lies day in day out about things. Usually little pointless things.

@NoPrivateSpy I agree, I think the cycling is a red herring. He likes to pin it on things, that don't paint him in a negative life. If I'm honest, I have little faith he'd tell the GP the truth. I think he is prescribed viagra and it's still really inconsistent. He says his marriage was always pretty sexless and nonexistent for most the marriage after the kids. He says this was led by her rather than him. But she had an affair for years so... who knows what led to what.

I've kinda normalised his lies. He lies day in day out about things. Usually little pointless things.

Take a step back. Someone that lies about things that don't matter, never mind things that do, cannot ever be trusted. Not to keep your information nor to ever do the right thing. I'm sorry but I would be walking away.

he sounds a bit confused! and has demons. I wonder whether the ED was caused by SSRIs, this is very common and not often talked about as most men are so reluctant to mention ED anyway. But as far as you and him go, it does sound a bit over complicate and unnecessary. All this lying!

@Fleetheart you just made me think, so I've just looked, in his changing bag and there is Amitriptyline. He's always said this is for migraines (a quick Google) confirms this maybe the case. But... it is also taken as an antidepressant....

I'll look into this medication further.

Does he have a sex drive but just can"t keep an erection or is he just using ED as an excuse ? Does he fancy you ? Are you intimate in other ways ? My initial reaction was that he is gay ? A normal 37 year old man doesn't have ED. Yes, anti-depressants wont help and could be the cause but he needs to be honest with you. More importantly he needs to WANT to sort it out.

If I was in your shoes I wouldnt stay in the relationship but if you really wanted to make it work then he needs to as well. Suggest going along to his GP with him & get full disclosure of his medical situation. Someone wanting it fixed wouldn't mind that....someone lying about things would.

I guess it all depends on whether a sex life is important to you or whether he has other qualities that make the relationship worthwhile.

It sounds utterly miserable to me and you sound like you want so much more - and I don't blame you. I love my bf - he's funny and smart and solvent and all those important things but I'm also hugely attracted to him and we have a lot of sex - without it, I'd still love him but not as deeply, whatever that says about me.

I think it's pretty much decision time for you - it's been years and nothing has really changed. Is your relationship enough as it is?