How to help DD?

[Toffolosus]

Recently discovered my DP was having an affair with someone from another country. They had met up once but been talking for months. We have 2 children together and I have a daughter who is 11 and he’s know since she was 1 and is basically her Dad. She loves him and they had a fantastic relationship.

I’ve tried my best to be practical and we are just living separate lives at the moment while we wait for him to move out but DD is devastated, he told her about the OW (against my advice) and DD has refused to speak to him since and said if he’s talking to OW she never wants to see him again.

He’s blaming me saying it’s all my fault she’s said this, when I wasn’t the one who told her about OW and I’ve done my best to not say anything negative about him or the split because I don’t want to drag the kids into it.

He’s said he won’t stop talking to OW and DD said she won’t change her mind. How do I help DD? I’m devastated for her watching their relationship fall apart and don’t want her to feel like he’s chosen someone else.

So sorry you are going through this. It must be really tough.

I’m devastated for her watching their relationship fall apart and don’t want her to feel like he’s chosen someone else.

The thing is, he has chosen someone else. His betrayal of you is also a betrayal of the family.
You won't help your DD by sugar-coating it, or trying to minimise her distress. In a way it's impressive that she has the confidence to make that moral judgement and act on it. She knows how she feels and she's not compromising her feelings to please anyone.

I think all you can do is support her and reassure her that she is loved. Let her know her feelings are valid, it's OK to feel that way, but also that her dad still loves her and will be there for her if she ever wants him. (If you think he actually will, that is)

You can only help her come to terms with it, you can’t make it go away.

You can reassure her that although you are no longer together as a couple, you are still a family, you both love her and that will never change.

It’s normal for older children and teens to be angry in this situation, partly because they’ve been let down, partly because they are quite black and white and partly because they are afraid of being rejected.

Are you certain he is going to want to stay in her life? She may be especially worried because she isn’t a biological child, in which case you need to both reassure her he’ll be around. Don’t take too much notice of the never speaking to him again thing, she’s just expressing anger.

Think of the future. What are your exDP's plans - apart from carrying on talking to OW? Is he going to move somewhere nearby so he can maintain a relationship with his DC's, or does he dream of buggering off abroad? How hard you try to maintain a relationship, kinda depends on how much he has factored them into his future himself.
He will do the usual of looking for reasons his affair was partly your fault, so his default is that your DD's reaction is your fault too. It's easier to tell himself he's leaving a demon than accepting that he's just a twat.
All you can do is sit back and watch his blossoming relationship turn to crap in time, which it most likely will, he's been a fool.

Talk to DD about people we love doing selfish things.

I wouldn’t do anything. She’s allowed to feel the way she does. I would feel that way to if I were her. I think your pragmatic approach is a healthy one, though.

Tell her to speak to the other women

The relationship between to her mother and ex-husband has nothing to do with her.