Tell me your stories of finding happiness after abuse?

[Cryingatthegym]

I'm in my mid 30's and recently left abusive STBXH. I have 3 kids, 10yo from a previous relationship and 2yo and 3yo with exH.

I'm really struggling with feeling like I've fucked up my chances of future happiness through the poor choices I've made so far in life. It's not that I'm desperate for a man in my life, I know it's far too soon for another relationship and I'm really trying to work on loving myself and being happy on my own etc. I'm having therapy and trying to focus on rebuilding my life and sense of self worth.

The problem is I just seem to have this constant undercurrent of fear that I'm going to be alone forever, and that any potential future partners are going to be put off by the amount of baggage I have. It's not too bad during the week when I'm at work and the kids are here and I barely have time to blink, but when the kids are gone and house is empty, the loneliness feels crushing and I fall to pieces. It's like I'm struggling to see the light at the end of this.

Please reassure me/cheer me up with your stories of finding love, contentment and happiness after leaving an abusive relationship?

My daughter's father was a complete wrong 'un, though not abusive.
My next relationship was with an emotionally abusive arsehole. He really got in my head and it was very hard to leave. Counselling helped hugely.
Took a couple of years out of dating altogether, then tried again. Met my current DP who is the love of my life and the most kind and caring human. He is an amazing stepdad and I adore his kids.
Don't lose hope OP! You will find your prince. Just keep your standards high, watch out for red flags and throw anyone who isn't right back in the sea ☺️

Great username @Cryingatthegym !

I've been in 2 abusive relationships (was v vulnerable after the first and stupidly didn't recognize the love bombing/tactics of the second - but I got out of it quickly). The first broke me and the second wasn't much better, but going through such experiences I believe teaches you the strength you have that you didn't realize before.

Like you I took time after to work on myself, enjoy my time alone, enjoy friends, kids, and career and just find the joy in the little things in life. A few situationships, had a fwb I met through work (in another country) and we did some long weekends together around Europe, nothing that required commitment which was perfect.

Had to reassess when I caught feelings for fwb so ended that and decided just to date like a man - enjoy their company but expect nothing more. That's when I met DH 😂

We've been together almost 5 years now. It's not easy, I find I am extremely sensitive to any behavior that could be translated as even slightly manipulative or controlling (he doesn't have an abusive bone in his body, he's v understanding of my history).

I don't see my past abusive relationships as baggage. If anything it means I've done a huge amount of work on myself and now have high standards for behavior in relationships. Happiness after abuse is more than possible.

I’ve had two divorces, with a decade gap between marriages.

I was willing to try and believe in romance the second time round. When he turned out to be a wrongun too, wild horses couldn’t drag me into another relationship.

I have a small child, you have three. That’s all you need.

I have my own home and life away from any more bloke nonsense.

I left my seriously wrong "un of a husband almost 10 years ago. My DC were 8 and 10 . It was a really difficult time however I have not one regret. I wasn't looking for anyone but an amazing human being came into my life a year later. I was very wary however he has proved himself in every way. We are getting married later this year and I couldn't be happier.
I find it hard sometimes looking back at how I was treated now I am in a healthy relationship with such a kind and loving man.

I wish you the best. Although partner came into my life relatively quickly, i did take things slowly to consider everything, and especially when you have children .

I left an abusive relationship over 10yrs ago, my kids were 2&6yrs. I won’t lie it’s been really hard as a lone parent and I’ve had really lonely points. However I have continuously been committed to trying to improve our lives which includes career progression, renovating my house (our home) and trying to give my kids as many opportunities as I can.

It’s only now, that they are 13&17yrs that I’m starting to reclaim some of my life back. I do have a boyfriend who I spend time with and I can leave the kids at home, work is great and I go away for the occasional night and my 17yr old looks after her brother. When I look back at how far I have come I’m actually shocked.
BUT it’s taken time to get here. My kids also have different dads and I have thought a lot about relationships. I’m in a good place now and in lots of ways pleased I waited.

Thank you everyone for posting and make me feel a bit better. And thanks @blackdogpub - Swiftie wave

I do realise it's going to take time, the heartbreak and loneliness is just so tough at times. I'm in no rush to find anyone else, but I think deep down I'm scared I'll never be truly loved - I thought I was by exH for a while, but that clearly can't be true because otherwise he wouldn't have treated me so badly.

I think coming to terms with the reality of my marriage at the same time as facing the future alone is just a lot to handle sometimes.