Ghosted by new work "friend"

[Perroquet]

I’ve been very oddly ghosted by a new work acquaintance who initially seemed very keen on being friends, and I’m not sure what to make of it. (Long post alert!)

I was working on a temporary project at a different office location for a month (same city as my primary office location though) and met another employee around my age with whom I connected instantly based on our shared interest in a very niche subject. We also talked about our lives and work in general, not just that particular interest, and it felt so natural. This employee and I are not part of the same team at work and do not have the same manager; we just happened to meet at lunch and strike up a conversation. We were both very excited to meet someone who shared this niche interest (both of us have always done it solo), and we both expressed great enthusiasm for meeting again and pursuing our shared interest together. I won’t say the specific interest so as not to be outing, but it is an indoor, cerebral, inexpensive sort of thing rather than an outdoor, active, expensive one. Since we both live in the same city not too far away from each other, it wouldn’t be that hard for us to meet outside work, and in fact we could even pursue this interest over a video call together.

After our first meeting, this employee and I ran into each other in the corridor / toilet a few times over the next week or two and our brief interactions were all very pleasant and positive. Since I was nearing the end of my time at this secondary office and would have to return to my main office soon, I messaged her casually to see if she wanted to meet before I left. I received no reply, so I waited a week and emailed her again during my last days at that office location. I apologized for rushing, explaining that I was leaving soon and would love to see her again before I left, and also clarified that I was interested in meeting to pursue our interest outside work on an informal, relaxed, basis — I wasn’t trying to get her to commit to a demanding schedule or anything, and I apologize if my enthusiasm mistakenly conveyed pressure. No response to that either. (I did not run into her in the corridor in those last few days.)

I’ve returned to my main office location now feeling rather hurt and confused after being inexplicably ghosted like this. She seemed so genuine and enthusiastic when we interacted in person, yet she ignored my messages completely! It just doesn’t add up. Perhaps she’s dealing with personal problems and has no time for pursuing this interest with me — but even then, would a normal person not have at least replied with a brief, polite note? I know that she doesn’t have children, but I’m not sure if she is in a relationship currently. It’s none of my business obviously but a small, crazy voice in my head says: what if she is actually dating my ex, and has heard bad things about me from him? My ex also works for the same company at my main office location, and has gone to the secondary location occasionally, so it’s not completely implausible that they may have somehow met (though they are also not on the same team). While my ex doesn’t share the same niche interest, there were other shared interests that originally drew me to him (before I discovered how dishonest he was), so what if my new acquaintance, with whom I thought I connected so easily, also liked my ex for those things and is dating him now? I know this is very wild thinking, but honestly I cannot think of any other good reason why someone who seemed so nice and genuinely excited about connecting with me over our shared interest could ghost me like this — it’s not like I’m a man and she thought I was interested in her romantically!

What do you think are the most likely explanations for her behaviour? If I see her again on any future visit to the secondary location, should I approach her? If we run into each other face-to-face, it will be extremely awkward, I imagine. I just can’t believe I came so close to finally finding someone who shared my niche interest, only to lose her so suddenly and strangely like this.

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far!

There may be nothing too sinister about this - she likes you and enjoyed discussing the mutual interest etc, but she hasn't got round to replying to your messages. Perhaps this is because life's busy, for whatever reason, and she can't think of a time to suggest to get together. It doesn't sound as if she's been cold towards you in person. I'm not sure I'd call this ghosting.
You've sent a few messages, made overtures of wanting to stay in touch, so probably just need to leave it with her now.

Kindly op, I think you are wayyyyyyyyy too invested in this for a short meeting and a couple of chats in corridor type situation.

Your response seems a bit out of proportion.

My advice would be to let this one slide and not give it too much more of your time or energy.

Some things just don't work out and often we will never truly know what someone else is thinking/going through.

Move on now and hope you find a friend you match a bit better with

Did you post this a few weeks ago? There was something very similar recently

Work relationships can be very transient

It's a work relationship. I've found these are very superficial when you're a contractor or short term. People are a lot more flakey these days as well.

Just put it down to experience and manage your expectations accordingly for the future.

Has she made any indication she wants to hang outside of work at all?
I enjoy talking to my colleagues and look forward to our chats, but I have no desire to hang out with anyone outside of work.
Maybe she felt your messages were too much and feels bad about saying no.
Could she have mistaken your enthusiasm for romantic interest?

This reads like a 1950s novel

Chess?

Don't overthink it, and don't contact her again.

There could be benign reason for not replying and she'll get in contact when she can, or it's the platonic version of "she's just not that in to you". Either way, put her to the back of your mind and move on.

How long ago did you last speak?

She may be in touch eventually or not. You'll have to wait and see now.

Work relationships, especially where distance is involved or it's short term such as secondments or contractors, can be very much 'for a reason or a season' even if you'd have probably become much longer term friends if you'd met out of work. It's just how it is. They can be quite self limited.

Not saying all, I've made some great friends at work, but not remained in touch with others whom I really liked and am sure was mutual. I wonder if it's because there's that professional reserve that remains in place even after you or they leave?

Quite intense on your part, OP.

if someone suggests meeting outside work my heart kind of sinks. I like my time to be free and hate being pinned down. But I would pretend I liked the idea out of social convention. Perhaps she’s like that.

She’s gone off you probably because you’re too intense

Maybe she found you too intense.

Thank you all for your input. @SophiaJ8 No, this is my first time posting this topic.

It did come to my mind that my enthusiasm might have come across as too intense, so that's why in my last message I apologised for any wrong impressions and clarified that I wasn't trying to pressure her and would love to pursue this interest on a very informal basis.

@pimlicopubber Yes she verbally reciprocated saying "I would love to!" when I originally suggested meeting to pursue this interest together. Later when I saw her in the corridor, I asked if she already owned certain material pertaining to this interest, and she enthusiastically replied yes. It would be very odd if she thought I, another woman, was romantically interested in her, especially since I mentioned my current partner (a man)!

Perhaps she is really just not as interested in this as I am, and like others have said in this thread, doesn't want to be friends outside work but feels too awkward saying so up front. It's just very odd given how enthusiastic and genuine she seemed when we talked in person. She didn't come across as the insincere, superficial type of person who only says nice things but doesn't actually feel or act that way.

I know I shouldn't be sad over losing a short-term "friend" like this -- it's not so much about the specific person as the idea of finally having an accessible friend to share this niche interest with. (I have tried looking for local groups where people might share this interest, but have not had any success so far. I suppose one could do it with strangers on the internet but I'm old school and don't feel comfortable / satisfied with that. It's a niche history/culture-related interest; don't want to be too specific for fear of outing.)

Maybe she is on vacation?

It does seem you come off a bit over the top to pursue this connection.
I have a different take on this type of thing tho also. I don't mix co workers and my personal life and don't discuss anything personal at work.

People will let you down time and time again unfortunately. We all have our own lives going on.

What’s the interest?

Wigs of pre revolutionary France?
The whips used by Gladstone?

Oh, I was going with brass-rubbing.😀

So I have an update that makes me feel a bit better, even though this new “friend” has still not replied to me.

I spoke with another colleague (call her Sally) who worked with this “friend” previously. Sally says that apparently this “friend”’s nature is strange like this — the “friend” knew Sally very well for many years, as they used to work on the same team. After Sally moved to my team (and no longer worked directly with the “friend”), the “friend” attended a general event that Sally organized and enjoyed it so much that she took the initiative to speak to Sally about it afterwards and expressed great enthusiasm for helping run the next event. (Sally did not seek out the “friend's" help in the first place.) So when the time for the next event came around, Sally messaged the “friend”, but got no reply despite following up multiple times. Sally said she found the “friend’s” behaviour rather odd and disrespectful, as the “friend” was not ill or on holiday at the time (as confirmed by other colleagues). It would only take a few seconds to write a simple, polite “I’m sorry I can’t help anymore” response. Keep in mind that the “friend” knew Sally MUCH better (close colleague of many years) than she knew me, and the initial interest in helping with the next event was 100% expressed by the “friend”, completely unsolicited by Sally.

I suppose I have just been unlucky that the first “friend” I found who shares my niche interest has a strange habit of initial enthusiasm followed by absolute silence, but I can at least feel reassured that it wasn’t due to any fault or wrong impression on my part. I rather feel sorry for this "friend" and wonder why she's like this though -- it's as though a part of her genuinely wanted to connect and help with an event (in Sally's case) or pursue a hobby together (in my case) but another part of her was afraid and retreated into silence when the prospect of actually acting on that initial enthusiasm arose. Perhaps she has bad memories of past friendships/relationships that haunt her, preventing her from putting herself out there and following up with others, even on relatively light activities like Sally's event or my hobby. But it's futile to make conjectures, of course, and I won't remain hopeful for a delayed reply any longer.

Has anybody told you in real life that you were overthinking this by about 2,000,000%?

She's called it right. What possessed you to gossip about her to a colleague then write this essay about her motives? I think most, if not all responses advised to leave it. Work acquaintances often fizzle.

She didn't owe you a formal ending.

Perhaps it would have been polite to respond to Sally as it was kind to think of her but she may have been on sick leave or anything, or have had personal issues at that time or just not felt like it. Tbh, no response is a response from someone you don't know well. Not the most gracious but Sally didn't need to keep following up.

Delving that deep into presupposition about someone you really don't know is quite odd behaviour OP, I suggest you tighten up your boundaries. You may not like that but I would be a bit creeped out if this post was about me after a few chats at work.

It's a disappointment to you but don't spend time trying to analyse it, it's just one of those things so let it go

This kinda stuff is never about you, it's always them/something on their side

I’m just here to guess your mutual interest

indoor activity, inexpensive, can be done over zoom

Foot fetish photo showing
The Latin language
you can both twist your tongue into strange positions
see above- but fingers and toes
singing acapella
finger puppets
impressions
origami

She's possibly both times gone in thinking about the hobby/event only to twice be faced with very unexpectedly intense would-be connections and it's warned her off.

The fact you even raised this personal issue with another colleague, and the two of you saw fit to criticize and analyze her shows she was right to keep a distance! (This behaviour from you both would be subject to disciplinary if reported at my workplace btw!)

If you're seeking connections you need to learn to chill out and be kind and gracious. You can't oblige somebody to be your friend or feel your wrath!