Bored and lonely but I don’t like people. Can anyone relate?

[WaitingForBluebells]

Maybe it’s just that I’m in a weird place in my life. I’ve just turned 40, my kids are almost grown up and doing their own thing mostly. I’m properly single for the first time in over a decade and mostly healed from a bad breakup 18 months ago during which time I also had to cut out my closest friend.

In some ways I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I did a lot of therapy last year and although it’s cliched, I’ve learned to truly love myself. I like my own company and life is good. Except that I often feel bored and lonely, especially on the weekends.

I get invited to stuff reasonably regularly and I nearly always say yes but find I don’t really enjoy it when I’m there. These are a variety of activities like lunch or coffee, walks, nights out etc. I’ve put myself out there and made tentative new friends but I’ve not really clicked on a deeper level with them. The ones I have clicked with are older and enjoy more sedate activities which is great and I do enjoy their company. I’ve made a few male friends but I get the sense they’re interested romantically which my past experience tells me can lead to problems. Sometimes I’m just not in the mood when I’m invited but then when I am in the mood (like this weekend) I don’t have any invitations.

I think what’s really missing for me is excitement. Maybe this is a midlife crisis but I just feel like I haven’t really lived and haven’t had enough fun and time is running out. I love going clubbing/dancing but I don’t have many friends who enjoy this and the ones that do, like different music. Sometimes I’m tempted to start dating again for that initial relationship excitement plus I’ve recently realised how much I like flirting (plus I’m pretty good at it 😳) but I like being single and I’m pretty fed up of men at this point.

Can anyone else relate? I’m open to any advice if anyone has any to offer please 💐

It sounds like you are bored with your life. Going clubbing or flirting won't fix it. Those may produce a temporary elevation of your mood, but it will inevitably crash later. You won't find contentment just by seeking excitement. You need to do an assessment of exactly what it is in your life you are sick and tired of. Sometimes people keep doing things they don't really get much out of just because of habit. Break old habits. Take up new interests. You may find there is something you are passionate about. It could be a cause, a hobby, something creative or some kind of physical activity. Try things that sound interesting and fun. Please don't get into a new relationship just to relieve boredom. It's not fair to the other person to be used that way.
Good luck.

Have you thought about going by yourself? Not clubs necessarily but gigs. People really don't notice and once there it doesn't matter. Also go travelling. If you don't want to go by yourself, then join a group. Try meetup.com for events in your area. If there are no dance or clubbing groups maybe start one

I live alone, and have done for years, it’s ok, tho I never would have chosen it, got divorced at 38, and now 62.
Enjoy your freedom, life is full of the unexpected ………….if you fortunate to have enough funds do what you can, people talk to you, when alone.
Lots will tell you, like myself we don’t know the future, I had a bad menopause at 45, at 57 bad hormonal depression and at 60 diagnosed with Parkinson’s, my toughest journey yet, I retired early, and my life is not as I hoped.
i know things are far worse for lots.

I agree it sounds like you're just a bit bored with life. Maybe trying to fit in with people who arent your 'tribe'?

Might be an odd question, but you say your friends like different music to you?

What sort of music do you like?

I connect with people through music. Its a really good way of meeting people and I've never had close friendships or romantic relationships with people who like very different music genres because it tends to spill over into other areas of life too.

But knowing what you like mlight be a good starting point for giving suggestions.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply everyone.

I definitely feel bored with life at the moment despite having lots to keep me busy. I’m really proud of myself for how I’ve turned things around since the breakup but still, there’s something missing.

A little more context is that I had my first child while I was still at school and have been parenting solo, more or less, ever since so I’ve really missed out on a lot of those early life, care-free experiences and had to grow up really fast. I’ve always been so sensible and mature, but there’s a part of me that’s a little wild and hedonistic but I’ve never really let that side out. I think hitting 40 has really made me think about who I am and where I thought I’d be by now.

It would definitely help if I felt more confident to do things on my own and I do sometimes push myself to do that. This week I went to a gathering of people I know through a cause but I didn’t enjoy it as nobody was really talking despite me trying. Thinking about it, that’s the bit that worries me most - that if I’m not enjoying it, I’ll have to stay out of politeness. I can’t bear awkwardness.

I’ve also joined an online singles groups with the intention of making friends but it seems very geared towards dating despite that not being its main purpose. I messaged one guy because I thought I knew him but turns out we didn’t. He blocked me after I sent a photo of myself which is fine but now I’m too embarrassed to go to any of the meet ups in case he’s there for fear of awkwardness.

@InTheMiddleOfTheRoom, I like all sorts of music and often go to open mic nights but what I really want to do is go raving or clubbing but my friends all got that stuff out of their systems years ago and prefer to dance to cheesy stuff in a mostly empty pub. I wouldn’t feel safe going clubbing on my own.

Another factor is that I’m pretty sure I’m autistic. I wonder if I enjoy the idea of people more than the reality. I’m pretty good at meeting and talking to people but I’m bad at maintaining those relationships. I need a lot of time on my own and dislike the inane texting that everyone seems to do to keep in touch. I sort of wait to be invited to things as I don’t want to impose on people but then things fizzle out.

I’m sorry to hear of your past difficulties @Nsky62 but it’s encouraging to hear you’ve made peace with it and enjoy life. I think I’ve suddenly got all this time and freedom now the kids are older and I feel like I’m wasting it by doing things I don’t really enjoy and not being brave enough to just do the things I want on my own. I’m too scared to go travelling alone although I hear lots of people say how liberating it is!

Apologies @Nsky62, I misread your post. I’m so sorry to hear things are still so difficult. I know lots of people who are struggling with health complications at the moment and I know your health can fail you at any time which I guess just reminds me that I should be making the most of things but I’m not. I’m acutely aware that time moves so quickly and I already feel I’ve wasted so much on the wrong people.

You are very kind, life is ok, it will get tougher, please do what you need to do for yourself, life no dress rehearsal!
I am to have no regrets, by doing what I can now