Married but can’t stop thinking about someone else.

[Susiesheep90]

Hello, I’m not here to be judged please just advice more than anything, been with my husband for 14 years and married 10 years now.
We have a lovely marriage ups and downs completely don’t get me wrong but right now it’s just at a stand still and we have a 5 year old son and I feel like we’ve just been parents and not us as a couple anymore. Our son is our whole world of course but we don’t bother with each other at the moment and it has been for the last year now.
Anyway I started this job about 2 years ago and recently another man has started.
We had an instant connection and we’ve been speaking when we see each other in work like we’ve been best friends.
We’ve harmlessly flirted and just like had countless of laughs, anyways I feel like I’ve started to fall for him and I’m not sure if he feels the same.
He’s been offered a job in the other team in a different building and we were texting last week and he said he thinks it’s best that he takes the job it’s more money and he’s said that it’s becoming complicated and ‘too much’ between us…. I said what does that mean and he just kept saying it’s not what I think it is and then went on to say ‘I feel really wrong and you have a partner and I just have a lot going on at the moment’ I text back asking what does that mean? And he again just told me not to worry about it and then I just asked outright if he has ‘feelings’ for me and he said no no feelings and he’s not looking to get into a relationship at the moment as he has a lot going on in his life (he’s single but other things in his life are complicated at the moment) and I couldn’t help but feel like it was a little kick to the stomach but I can’t stop thinking why would he say he feels wrong because I have a partner? We’ve said it’s best we cut contact but I honestly feel awful and I can’t stop thinking about him.
My husband and I have spoken recently and he’s agreed he feels like it’s gone flat between us and that we just parent together rather do anything but he’s honestly the nicest man anyone has ever met and the best father to our son and the other man is rough around the edges and like mysterious and I just feel awful and I just feel like do I speak to the other man and we have an actual conversation about our feelings or do I leave it there and carry on and try to get the spark back with my husband and forget about him and hopefully this like intense like crush goes away and I can just get back on track with my husband. The feeling I’m getting this second is I just want to turn up to his flat and just be like I like you do you like me and if you don’t then we can just forget we ever even met.
Sorry this is really long I just don’t have anyone to talk to about it.
Thanks.

May I ask: What was it about your husband that attracted you to him and why did you want to marry him?

@HoppityBun hi, yeah of course, we were really young meeting and I just remember thinking he was so handsome and just a really kind person and he loved me flaws and all, we’ve been through everything together

You need to cut contact with this person yourself OP, now. Or tell your husband.

At the point you can’t stop thinking about him to the extent of wanting to turn up and ask if he has feelings for you, you’ve crossed far too many lines.

Either fix your marriage or don’t, but asking him if he has feelings for you while you are married is both unfair and wrong. It doesn’t matter what his feelings are, you have a ring on your finger.

So this guy has realised you have feelings for him and doesn't want to get involved (which is completely right of him).

You need to decide if you want to break up your family. But you can't keep talking to him and playing happy families at home.

This may seem old fashioned - but, put this man out your mind....he's a total irrelevant, distraction.
He may , or may not fancy you, but he's, very sensibly, removed himself from the situation, as he can 'see' you are developing feelings for him , and he doesn't want to break up a marriage , when - in his eyes - your dh, has done nothing wrong.
You are going through a difficult patch in your marriage (like every one's does) - time to roll your sleeves up , and get your marriage back on track - the usual stuff, date nights , doing little things for each other, showing appreciation for each other and getting your sex life back on track ( i know, I know ).
This stuff really does work.
You have a child - if nothing else you owe it him to at least try.

Agree with PP. Your colleague has realised you fancy him and that you would like something to happen between you. He doesn’t feel the same way. He is happy to leave the department to get away from it. I think he should have been clearer that he wasn’t interested. But maybe he didn’t want to hurt you.

I wouldn’t keep questioning him about it. He could go to HR.

See if you and your husband can reconnect. Book some days away. Perhaps try a counselling session or two. If it’s gone it’s gone and you can look to separate amicably. But you won’t know if you don’t try.

The grass is greener where you water it. Spend more time with your husband, go on dates, be more intimate, have more fun. And stop talking to this man about anything that's not work related. Do you want to have to explain to your child that you aren't with their father because you couldn't separate fantasy from reality? Because there's no way this man sticks around to play happy families with you

OP, you have made your feelings for this guy so obvious already you might as well have turned up at his flat with a t shirt saying 'bored married woman please feed my ego' on it! You've flirted, moved closer than you should then, when he told you there needed to be distance, pushed and pushed him to declare 'feelings'. Which he denied and gave you the brush off. Enough! This guy is doing you a huge favour. He may well have had a mild attraction to a fun flirty woman who made the work day go by, but he is not up for a marriage wrecking affair. Either because he's decent or because he doesn't want the hassle. He has helped you dodge a bullet here. Keep your dignity keep your distance and keep your marriage.

Thanks everyone for the replies, yeah I do totally agree my husband does not deserve this at all he is such a genuine man I think I’m having a bit of a mid life crisis and was enjoying the attention and have totally gotten too swept up in it when I haven’t needed too, I’m just struggling to get him off my mind at the moment.
Yes I love that ‘the grass is greener where you water it’ thank you everyone.