Husband and his co-worker

[Joleine1]

Help! Someone suggested I move my thread to the "relationship" section so here goes:

Husband went to a work sports/fun day and messaged me at 8pm saying he was leaving. This was 1.5 hours away. Our son stayed up to see him.

By 10:30 pm, no word or sign of him, I sent our son to bed and called husband to see if he was okay. The motorway he was using is awful and is renowned for accidents.

He always always always calls me enroute home if he has been away all day to catch up, often calling several times. But nothing at all this time.

So he said yes, the road was closed at one point so he had to divert and also stopped off for some food as he hadn't eaten all day and was now on the road heading home (he named the road which meant he was approx 15 mins away).

He wasnt his usual self and was very cold and to the point. I thought he is prob tired.

Another 45 minutes pass and he was still not home so I call him again. This time he said he had been diverted again due to another road closure and was now 10 minutes away.

I then found out that he picked up a female colleague that morning so they could travel together, when the work event was over at 8pm, the two of them went for dinner and then he took her home before coming home.

I said I had no idea she was in the car with him in the first place and that he never told me any of this at all. It made me feel awkward knowing I had made two personal calls to him and at no point did he mention there was someone in the car with him. (He clearly was blunt with me as didn't feel he could be his usual self when speaking with me with her in the car).

He said he presumed I knew she was with him. I asked him how could I possibly know something like this? She is a new staff member and as far as I know, he has not been giving her lifts anywhere.

He said that when I called he said he had stopped for food and was on his way he said he said "we stopped for food" so I mustve known. I am adamant he didn't say "we" and I'm v sure he said "I".

I find this really sneaky and alarm bells are ringing big time. He made out like I was going crazy as saying I must have known she was with him and I reminded him that at no point did he ever tell me before the event or even on the calls in the car.

He would always tell me if he was running late/stopped for food, etc. But not this time.

He says I'm being unreasonable, that he did not lie to me (he did lie by omission) and that he thought I knew. I said why when I called did you not say me and X stopped for food, just dropping her off and then I'll be home. He said he didn't say this as thought I knew.

I feel beyond really hurt and that he is hiding something. The trust is completely gone. He has done this before many years ago when he was messaging a girl he went to a music festival with sneaking around and trying to arrange get together and bad mouthing me to her.

What's your thoughts on this? Please give me advise on how I am toward him after all this? What to do???? What are my next steps?

I’d also be v suspicious. First thing I’d be doing is checking the traffic news on Twitter to see if the road actually was closed….

def do what PP checking the traffic reports.

How has he been otherwise - like with his phone, does he seem more secretive or cagey? If so I would be keeping an eye on this.

Is there any more work trips etc? If there is one you can ask direct who he is going with.

I would try and act as normal as you can whilst being a bit of a detective!

Another day, another dimwit husband having his head turned by a new female coworker, lying and gaslighting the wife.

This is a tale as old as time in this section of mumsnet!

Get forensic, road closures will be well advertised. But regardless, you don’t need to…really…you know he’s lied to cover up.

mine did something similar at the beginning of his ‘head turned’ phase with the coworker. Said ‘I’m having a pint before the train’ and sent me a pic of one pint on a table outside a pub. Then called me crazy when I said he hadn’t told me he was also with this woman. He says he ‘didn’t need to’ of course he didn’t NEED to but what he did was insinuated he was alone when he wasn’t then of course I was irrational for being annoyed about this. This type of gaslighting went on about six months.

if I had my time again I’d stay totally cool about it and gather evidence. I did the wrong thing and kept confronting him which allowed him to paint me as ‘mental’ every time i challenged an ‘innocent drink’ or an ‘innocent text’ and in then started deleting texts and turning his phone onto airplane every time he left the office with her so I didn’t know where he was for ages but apparently this was also ‘innocent’ as his phone was simply ‘out of signal’ - coincidentally every time he had drinks with her. Odd now he’s left that job….and goes for drinks in the same city…there’s always a full signal

they’re full of shit and expect you to suck it up - dont

I wouldn't say anything has happened yet but he's certainly angling for something with her.

He knew if he mentioned her and/or giving her a lift there & back that it might look dodgy so he kept quiet. Either because he knew he might get grief from you or that he was looking to persue her....or both.

Can you honestly say @Joleine1 that you would gave been happy with him giving her lifts there & back ? What would have been your answer if he had said at 8pm....." I'm giving xxxx a lift home & we are going to stop for food on the way. Will call you when on my way home - could be late though..." would you have been ok with this ?

If he had nothing to hide he would have said she was with him right away. I would be extremely suspicious too and would find myself digging deeper.

Ok, so its shit not trusting but you will need proof. Buy a cheap voice recorder the car, get one that will last a month, some are magnetic and will stick under the seat. The recoding won't be great especially if the radio is on. But it will pick up something & the loud boomy car phone calls will be picked up. You can also use ut in the house if you go out & he is in. Listen back on the laptop just using the jump forward button.

What's your bottom line? Are you prepared to end it if this happens again? If you are - tell him exactly what your expectations are. If you embarrass me in front of your co worker again by pretending you aren't with her whilst I'm on the phone it's over. If you lie to me and tell me you are alone stuck in traffic whilst you are out having dinner with another woman it's over. If you ever gaslight me again and make me think I'm crazy for not knowing something that you haven't told me it's over. If you have sex with another woman whilst in a relationship with me it's over. And whilst you're at it tell him he's having the kids this weekend as you are going out. Go out and don't call him. Crawl in to bed at 4am and don't answer any questions as to where you have been. Even if you just booked yourself in to a hotel. Let him know how it feels. Prick.

@Joleine1, I agree that he is interested in and is pursuing this OW, who was clearly his priority during the day and evening.

She would have been well aware from his cold, evasive phone behaviour that he was lying by omission about her presence/their dinner date, and was making a mockery of you. She observed his speaking to you like he doesn’t even like you.

His subsequent gaslighting that you ‘should have known’ is beyond the pale, and shows how far he is down the slippery slope of investing elsewhere. He is creating distance between you to make room for her and is willing to be very devious and manipulative.

Knowledge is power, so investigate his devices, statements, pockets, car, etc. for more information. To me, though, his lying and gaslighting to prioritize and protect OW is something I would not tolerate. He has a history of this sort of faithless behaviour, so I would be seriously considering my options via a solicitor’s advice.

What is wrong with them, men just can't help themselves. Get your ducks in a row

He is gaslighting you. Your intuition is correct. He is putting blame on you and trying to make you question yourself and your perception of the situation all while trying to minimize it. He is doing all of this because he has something to hide. He knows he is in the wrong.

He's taking the piss

I bet if he was taking Bob home you would already have known about it before the day
Yeah I wouldn't be happy about this either

Mmmmm I'm guessing this work colleague isn't 60 and a bit overweight etc !!!