Advice from anyone who lives apart from dh during the week?

[SmileyJ]

Hi

We are about to live apart during the week, my dh is staying in the South, where he works and myself and 20mth old dc are going to be in the North. This is for various reasons including dh works long hours and travels a fair bit and I want to be closer to family and friends for me and dc. Dh will be back at weekends (Fri afternoon to a monday morning, with every other week back on a Thurs night)

I was looking for anyone in a similar situation to tell me how it works for them...did it affect your relationship in a negative way, did it affect your dh/dc relationship?

Our relationship is very strong and I love him loads, he's a great dad and husband but for our situation it is the right thing to do but I guess the reality of the whole thing has kicked in and I'm getting worried about everything and I feel like we are the only couple in the world in this situation..I know there are loads and that's why I'd like some advice.

Thanks alot.

Lots of people do this, have a look at the Forces Sweetheart threads, it's common for us.

I had a job which helped as I was too bloody busy with teaching and my ds to worry about him being away.

Treat it as time you have with your dc and do all the domestic niff naff and trivia during the week. Take time to do things you enjoy that he doesn't, or see people that he doesn't particularly like.

I've been married for 22 years this September, of which 16 have been spent with him either at sea, or we have weekended, or when he was abroad and I was in Cornwall, we saw each other every six weeks. It works...don't fret. You need to trust each other though, and make sure you talk every day, and e-mail loads. I used to send him cards in the post as well to say Hi. Let him know he's missed, and it'll work out.

I have to be honest, it does affect the relationship with ds/dh, but that's why I made the decision to move abroad so the three of us could be together, and that has worked too. DS and I are much closer than ds and dh, but their relationship is beginning to get stronger, which is good.

I was lucky in that the separation normally had a defined period of a couple of years as the services change appointments every two years, so I think the longest we had was 4 years of sea time/weekending at the start of our marriage, and that was hard, but it gave me time to get my degree, so maybe it wasn't such a bad thing. I also had grown up with this lifestyle as my Dad was in the Navy too, so I knew roughly what to expect, although it's different doing it with your own dh, as opposed to seeing your Mum doing it.

Good luck, and be positive.

My DH has worked away Mon-Fri several times during our marriage, but only for a few months at a time on temporary contracts.

I would say it affected our relationship positively, absence definitely made the heart grow fonder! Instead of taking each other for granted, we really looked forward to seeing each other all week and appreciated each other more when we were together.

He has only worked away once since we had DCs - when DD was around 2 and I was expecting DS and that was quite stressful for me, but DD didn't really miss him, she was too young I think, but he missed her, but then he appreciated spending time with her at the weekends.

If your DH works long hours and travels I guess you don't see that much of him in the week now, and probably the DCs see even less of him, so it might not be that much different.

But it will be great for you to be near family and friends all week when you need their support, and have him home withouth the stress of work for long weekends.

I think it'll work out fine. Good luck!

My oh works away, he spends 6-8 weeks in India then comes home for 2 weeks.

It is hard especially in the beginning, he has been doing it for nearly a year now. We have been together for 8 years and I have 1 son still at home and 1 who has moved out. I work full-time which I find helps because I have people to talk to etc during the day.

I try to meet up with friends at least twice a month for meals generally (its family mealtimes I miss!)

I'm very lucky that my dad used to do a similar sort of job when me and my sister were growing up so my parents are brilliant about inviting us for dinner about once a week. My mum understands the way I feel about his job, this makes it a bit easier when I'm upset or lonely.

Oh and I try to skype each other at least once a week, we text a lot. We e-mail as often as we remember.

We have found that in some ways we are closer than we used to be, its more like a 'honeymoon' when he's home. I try to deal with all the boring day-to-day stuff before he gets back so that we concentrate on enjoying being a family when he is home.

I'm quite lazy about the housework etc when he's home. We eat more takeaways and drink more wine!!

I do resent him sometimes, its a long way to go for work. I have had moments where I have wanted to pick up the phone and say 'get back here now' but he is doing this for us so I figure I have to cope! Its not forever and we have got a lifetime to be together.

Hope that helps in some way.

Good luck!!

Hi Smiley. I'm the one that works away in our house - we are both uni lecturers and couldn't find jobs in the same place, so I go away 3-4 days each week (and work at home the rest of the week).

Effect on relationship - no, not negative at all. We are both so busy when we're apart we don't have time to miss each other. I eat all the things he hates when we're apart so I don't have to have them when we're together

We email during the day. Normally we talk on the phone each evening, and a tiny bit of tension arises when I forget (if I'm at a friend's house for dinner).

Relationship with dcs - it does make a difference - dd is very much a daddy's girl. However, this changes very quickly when I do spend more time with them (on holiday or in the university vacations when I work at home more) so I don't think it is a major issue.

Good luck. You will soon find out if it works for you.

dh and i do this just now, it works ok for us but i hate being apart from him, gets worse now the better weather is coming in and i see couples everywhere during the week when i am stuck on my tod, it also gets really tiring having to be a single mum during the week and i dont think he appreciates how much it takes it out of me. he will call at 10-00pm wanting to chat and i am dead on my feet.

how long are you planning on doing this for, we are one year down and still have one to go.

hi smiley
my hubbie and i have never had a normal "9 to 5" relationship.
when i got pregnant first time round,he went off to Saudi
he came back for her birth then went away for 3 months,came back and got me pregnant again! did the same thing following and got me pregnant again! (i had 3 under 3yrs old and he was working away )now, he travels around the uk and occasionally to Germany etc.but now that that the kids are 10,9 and 8 almost,i find i actually quite like it when he's away for a while cos i have my routine and i find the kids generally easier to handle strangely enough.however, i do get angry sometimes that he's not there for us. i think it comes in swings and roundabouts to be honest.just keep it going with phonecalls,texts,emails etc.it can sometimes be quite a lot of fun and it certainly keeps the flame burning....if you know what i mean!

Thank you all so much for your advice, it's really nice to hear other people's experiences with this. I guess because it's happening soon, the reality has started to kick in and it has made me panic a bit.

Thanks alot for all your advice.