AIBU re SIL and husband's BF?

[Duckdodo]

Am i being unreasonable that I find my sister in law forging a friendship with my husband's best friend weird and problematic? Ofcourse the in laws have known husband's close friends since childhood as they all went to the same school, his friends would visit home and meet his siblings too, etc. However, in the last 3-4 years, the same time frame when my own relationship with my in laws has hit a very rough patch, my sister in law (and her partner) have forged a friendship with husband's best friend and his wife. SIL invited them to their wedding and now they're being invited in return to a party hosted by husband's best friend. This SIL and I are barely in talking terms and I dont attend any family events anymore (as MIL, BIL, etc have all stopped talking to me or visiting); I have offered to talk through things but they just dont want to. They're a narcissistic, cliquey, "we dont do conflict" bunch. I now feel i cant even attend a party of my husband's friend as i have to co-exist with SIL there (i am so hurt and it is so awkward). Historically, we used to host parties where we had family as well as our friends (but his siblings never had us in their parties with their friends). In the last 3 - 4 yrs, on my insistence due to the bad relationships and dynamics, we have stopped inviting family to events with friends (in keeping with what his siblings do). This was working well for me as I felt i could atleast share the social life/space with husband's friends, even if excluded by his family. Husband's best friend did not start this; he is being polite back - it is my SIL who started pursuing the relationship. Husband says he finds nothing wrong with it, he is happy his sister is friends with his best friend and thinks i need to deal with it in whatever way i wish to (ie. choose to go or not go to things). I have already been put in this spot and dont attend family events; i now feel i am put in the spot with his best friend too and it really hurts. I feel like my presence in his friend's events should be more important than his sister's (just as his sister's presence is more important in their family events than mine). I feel like my husband should speak to his friend about this and ask him to not be so close to his sister citing issues exist between me and his family; husband doesnt feel good about doing it though as he doesnt agree. This is also a friend husband reveals a lot of marital information to, about any arguments between us, etc and that is another reason that makes me very sad about SIL being close to this friend.

I can see why you don't like it, but you can't dictate who other people can or can't be friends with.

I don’t think your SIL is wrong here she is pushing a relationship with a couple, so what? It doesn’t matter how they become known to each other on the first place.
She might have ulterior motives for this but it’s probably nothing to do with you, maybe she is interested in BF’s wife connections for the business.

Yup, I don't blame you for not liking it, but unfortunately you can't insist that your DH's BF isn't friends with someone.

if, of course, you suspect she's just doing this as a way to get to you, that makes it more complicated. But again, there's not much you can do about it. You can choose to go to these joint events and avoid her. or you can go to these joint events and just pretend it's all fine.

NOt entirely the same but I loathe (now ex)BIL with a passion. After him and SIL broke up, for quite a long time part of the way he maintained control over her was to make it so that she felt obliged to invite him to family events. I would attend at her house but I largely just ignored him completely. I refused to allow him to attend events at our house which caused some trauma, but I stood by it. The last time was Christmas and frankly, he was the elephant in the room. But I don't regret it for a second and actually, slowly but surely SIL has seen his manipulative behaviour for what it is. I suspect the next such family event will be a lot less stressful with a lot less unspoken angst because he's not invited.

@pizzaHeart SIL is very meddlesome and guilt trips my husband a lot. He missed a cousin's wedding (a cousin he is not close to and one who did not attend our wedding) as we were on holiday; he got shit from SIL for it and he was massively guilt tripped (i cant share the horrible details used against him to guilt trip him as it would be too revealing). I do think she likes huband's BF but i also think she has an ulterior motive to keep getting closer to my husband, so she can keep meddling with him. She had a huge row with me 1.5 years back (she has ignored our offer to talk things through since then but has pursued this relationship with husband's BF inviting him to their wedding, etc). I am not v close to husband's BF as they keep to themselves (ie. husband meets him on his own more than we catch up as couples) so I am feeling v threatened that over time, he is going to like/be closer to my SIL more than me and I am going to feel excluded / exclude myself from even more occasions.

OP, do you and your husband have children together?

I don't think he has your back.

Your sil has done nothing wrong here

Yabu (sorry as im sure its really uncomfortable for you )

Dont not go to places because you dont like your sil. Thats daft and cutting your nose off

Be polite to your sil. Dont cause issues

It's pretty obvious your SIL has moved in on this friendship knowing it will annoy and inconvenience you.

@MounjaroUser - no we dont; we're battling infertility with IVFs, etc. An no he doesnt have my back; this comes up in all our arguments. He is never supportive of my or my feelings; to him the other person is always right and I am wrong.

YABU purely because this sounds like a kids playground “you can’t be friends with them, they are my friend” situation.

In which case I would end the relationship. I know that sounds tough given the problem with fertility - and I'm so sorry about that - but can you imagine having a child with him and he and his child go off to spend time with his family - you're not invited - and now also going off to spend time with his best friend, and because your fucking SIL is hanging around, you can't go there either.

Never stay with someone who doesn't have your back, particularly if you want to have a child.

@Mrsttcno1 - that is literally what my in laws are like. I was told by my husband that I cant visit one of his relatives because i dont get on with MIL. This is literally what they are like and I feel i need to cling on to some social life with my husband (and I feel atleast the friends circle should be a place i can thrive in).

@MounjaroUser - i do fear this too but I dont know what to do. I think i just hope things will get better or that atleast the kids will not be involved in this (and that he will not take them from me to meet people who dont even speak to me).

Sorry but ending a marriage because you don't like your in-laws is utterly bonkers

Her dh can have a relationship with them. She doesn't have to. Both can rub along fine without the drama

He loves his family. He dpesnt need to choose

This. You can't dictate who other people are friends with. And why is it a choice between socialising with your ILs and socialising with your DH's friends? Don't you have other friends/family who aren't in either category?

But you’re trying to cling on by being this person to others. Don’t see her if you don’t want to, but you can’t stop them being friends.

It would be very reasonable for hubby to confirm with friend that he wasn’t telling SIL any marriage details though

Your SIL is almost certainly doing this in part because she knows it will irritate you and stop
you from attending events hosted by your dh’s friend.
I’d go along with my head held high and ignore her. You cannot stop her being friends with people but you can control your reaction to it.