Advice on going NC with parents - WWYD?

[Enchanted82]

Hoping for some advice here, I am an only child, married with my own family. I have always thought I was close to my parents and family is my priority.
Coming from a small family myself and now having my own small family, I want to hold on to those I do have but my mum in particular is having a very bad effect on my own mental health because of her behaviour and the only way I feel any better is when I distance myself but then I feel terrible for our young daughter.

My mother over the past couple of decades has had alcohol issues, my dad and I have tried to help her overcome it, its particularly bad at the moment but nobody can stop her, my dad included. weve tried everything, she wont get help and even when you have sober conversations and ask questions she just says '.i dont know'

It all came to a head a few weeks ago where she got drunk in front of some of my friends, embarrrased herself and me of course and then proceeded to say horrible things to me. I was mortified.
I told my dad to take my mumback home that evening. She has continued to message quite nasty things about me but in the days in between she makes normal conversation and hopes it will go away I guess.
My called my dad today to see how she was, she then messaged messaging why dont you ask about me and then saying some not very nice things. I have asked her to talk several times she wont answer the phone.

What would you do? I dont want to cut her off but ive been allowing this for years, her drunkness and then all is forgiven.
Im just so scared my world would be even smaller and unfair on my daughter if I really distanced myself from them?

Just to add they live a few hours away so difficult to see one another

I'd ignore the negative texts and only respond to the positive ones.
Remain LC - on your terms - so stay in touch with your father by phone and only text your mum in response to sober texts. All the nasty, toxic drunk ones delete from your phone and from your head.
Do not see in person/expose your DD to her. Encourage your Dad perhaps to zoom call on a "good" day. You already have the geographical distance but any event where alcohol can be taken, do not go to.
I'm sorry your mum is ill and the impact her addiction has had on you x

Do you honestly think your daughter will benefit from having a vicious, verbally abusive, alcoholic grandmother in her life? I don't see how this woman you're describing is anything but a threat to your daughters mental health.

You're exposing your daughter to someone who is capable of such nasty behaviour. It doesn't matter that she hasn't treated your daughter badly (yet). Eventually it will happen. Maybe when your daughter is older and starts talking back or putting her own needs first. This is a trauma waiting to happen.

You're not doing any harm by limiting or even ending their contact. Your mum is who she is: an alcoholic who will abuse people who love her. You shouldn't want your daughter near her.

Ask yourself: is it really your daughter you're trying to protect? Or is it your mum?

@BehindTheSequinsandStilettos thank you for the advice
@Girlmom35 my mother is at this point not showing any behaviours to my daughter, so at this moment she has no idea but youre right, just because she hasn't treated her badly yet is not the point at all.Thank you for the advice

Im just so scared my world would be even smaller and unfair on my daughter if I really distanced myself from them?

I think it would be more unfair on your daughter if you didn't distance yourself from a woman who makes you miserable with emotionally abusive behaviour.

It's not even about your mum behaving like that to, or in front of, your daughter. It's about how she affects you and your mental health.

As for having a small family... as someone NC with my family (for different reasons) I'm a firm believer in one's chosen family being more important, ultimately. It's better to have friends who love you for who you are, who support you and lift you up, rather than blood relatives who abuse you and drag you down. And it's never too late to start making new friends.

Saying this as a recovering alcoholic, who is also NC with my mum (for unrelated reasons), I would write her a letter saying what you need to say, how her drinking has affected you, what you wish your relationship could be like, etc and tell her what boundaries you will be putting in place. For me, I would go NC. At least for now, while she continues to drink.

You need to take care of yourself and your family so that this cycle doesn’t continue to repeat itself with them. Children who learn people pleasing and enabling go on to seek out people they can rescue. The cycle needs to end with you. And go to Al-anon or find another support community for ACoA.

The only person responsible for her drinking is her. This isn’t your fault. You need to take care of yourself above everything. People do get sober and change their lives and go on to have wonderful family relationships. But she has to want that and she has to do it herself.