I met my first partner when I was 21 (ish) and he was latter 20s. I can not stop thinking about him. I broke up with him, didn't do it well. It was the pressure from the people around me that made me see him differently. We did have our issues. Him never flushing the toilet. I worked away during the week, sometimes weekends too. I was also at university. I always asked if he could just visit me. He didn't. I often found myself leaving work/uni at 9pm, and leaving in the morning at 4am just to have some time with him. Even then, sometimes he wasn't home. But, I also remember the great times. And I miss the great times.
I have this constant push and pull. I want him back. I don't want him back. This has gone on for literal years.
I know he is angry at me. So why if we are done he still keeps in contact?
Why am I struggling to leave him alone? If him and myself are so over our connection why can't we stop keeping tabs on each other?
He is happy now, got a girl pregnant and done right by her by building a family with her. It hurt me, but I am happy for him.
But he is still there. Everywhere. He keeps my number. All our connections are still there over social media. He still has photos of me, I know because he sends them to me every now and again.
But when I do take his reached out hand and try to apologize for having been so naive with us and would be just as happy knowing we will always be good to one another. He bites. Really hard. If he asks "whats up?" when he sees me pass by on the road and thinks i look sad. And then I tell him. And then he becomes angry and aggressive. Saying "you chose your life, don't expect anyone to help you"
Why are we so stuck in this loop? How do I get out of it? How do I stop wishing I could turn back time? How do I stop loving him?
I just want to concentrate on my own life, with my new partner so that I can build a life and family of my own before I miss my chance. (I am 30 now).