Please help me understand my parents dislike/rejection. What should I do?

[ParentDilema]

I need help understanding the situation with parents. I’ve moved past the angry and hurt stage and now just want help understating what I've done wrong and how we can move forward. I have all this stuff swirling around my head and I don’t want to drip-feed so it’s a long one!

My parents worked hard all their lives, started their own business and retired early (about 25 years ago). They are financially comfortable and in good health. Growing up, I made sure to meet their expectations to do well at school & uni, good job etc. By nature, I was a very biddable, people-pleasing child and I became adept at altering my behaviour based on “looks” from my DM. DF gave me the silent treatment on the rare occasions I stepped out of line (eg, a few 6th form parties, or getting home late – fairly tame compared to what was on offer to me in the big northern city where I grew up😉) . Looking back, it seems a bit Dickensian; I knew my role was to be the ‘good girl’ behaviour and keep churning out the achievements that were expected of me. Feelings were never discussed, they never said they loved me, confrontation was avoided (except to tell me off) and negative emotions were swept under a rug. Thankfully, the relationship I have with my DH and DS (13) is very, very different.

About 10 years ago, myself, DH and DS (now 13) moved to part of the UK that’s a short, cheap flight from DPs. We moved for better job opportunities, DS education and standard of living and we love living here. Before that, we lived about an hour from them and they visited every couple of weeks for 2-3 hours; they weren't super-close with my DS but had nice contact with him. To give context, DPs moved away from their families early in their married life and another big move on retirement so they’ve done similar themselves. Growing up, they rarely took us to visited my grandparents.

Since the move, my DPs have visited twice in 10 years. I’ve gone back over those visits a million times and find nothing that could have offended or upset them (I am hyper-vigilant to this given my upbringing). I kept on inviting them but there was always a reason why this wasn’t possible or convenient for them (Covid, a foreign holiday, health appointment, house move, too busy etc). All valid reasons but, over time, showing a general lack of motivation to visit us.

During this time, they frequently visited my sister and her family. The journey time and expense is about the same (although by train). I have a good relationship with my sister but my parents different treatment was hurtful (especially to my DS who knows how often they visit his cousins). For a long time, I tied myself in knots trying to understand this difference.

About 2 years ago, I had to find a way to move past this. I wrote to my DPs saying I was hurt and asking them to help me understand and resolve things. Now, I know a letter isn’t the best way to communicate these feelings but it honestly feels like the only way I can express myself to them and be “heard”. We never discuss feelings and I simply lack the tools to initiate this type of conversation with them (I communicate well with others in my life). I also said that I would stop asking them to visit but they were welcome any time. I’ve since repeated this open invitation. They have never acknowledged my letter (I know it was received though). Over time, I just accepted that if we are to have a relationship, the onus is on me to travel to them. I haven’t waited to be invited; I have proactively asked if dates suited and I've visited man times with DS, DH and alone. I should also add that they never call me or DS, nor ask to speak to him; that’s on me too.

About 1 year ago, my DM told me – out of the blue – that DF said I wasn’t welcome at their home when visiting England. DM was upset and said it’s because DF is angry we moved away, taking their grandson. I comforted her and said maybe it was a breakthrough and the first step to resolving things for a better relationship. DM and I discussed the situation once more before she reverted to usual behaviour, saying I just had to stop raking over old ground and, basically, get over myself. I felt gas-lit by this.

I wrote another letter, expressing how I respected DF’s wishes not to visit them but was very hurt; DS and myself don’t deserve that treatment. Whether or not they agree with my move, it was a good decision and it’s sad for all of us that we don’t participate in each other’s lives. I also said I couldn’t square their reasoning (hurt at missing DS) with their actions (not visiting us and now saying we aren’t to visit them). How were they intending to have a relationship with their much-missed grandson? The letter went unacknowledged.

Things gradually returned to some version of normal over the next few months. Mainly because (as instructed!) I quashed my feelings and swept it under the rug.

This summer, I gave things one more try. I said DS and I would like to visit them and we agreed dates etc. On the visit, there were a few times DM was a bit nasty to DS and, on our last evening, DM shouted at DS to “shut up” and stop asking questions about the TV news. I apologised but said I encourage DS to understand the news and world around him. She didn’t like the push-back and things became heated. DM said we’d overstayed our welcome and that I always “stirred up some vicious nastiness” on my visits (I have since genuinely reflected on this accusation and I honestly can’t think of a single incident to warrant this). I mentioned the letters and DF said they were just me moaning about stuff as usual.

DS and I packed our things and left. I haven’t seen or heard from them since (about 6 weeks). I’m left with the feeling that they just don’t even like me. I'm also angry about the way they've treated DS.

I honestly don’t know what to do about this situation. I’m in disbelief that our relationship has deteriorated to this. I feel that I’ve extended enough olive branches and the onus is now on them to initiate contact. Especially as, this time, they were mean to my DS, not just me. But I know they are capable of sulking for years because, during my childhood, my they didn’t speak to DF's sister for 10 years when she wouldn’t lend them money to set up their business.

I would honestly welcome any input and perspective. I’m also willing to acknowledge any responsibility on my part to improve things. But please be gentle – on the outside I’m a grown-ass woman but on the inside I’m a little girl whose parents have rejected her.

LilacCadillac 😂

Your parents sound immature and narcissistic. I would go to therapy to start exploring this. Stop beating yourself up. They're not going to change and it's not your fault.

Sympathies OP.

You could go very LC with them if that made you feel better than NC. Maybe just send them birthday cards and Christmas cards or suchlike. Something very low key and generic with no expectation from you of reciprocation.

Have therapy. Do this to get their disapproving voices out of your head.

It's not you, it's really not. You deserve to be loved And appreciated fully and openly. It's them, not you.

If it helps your understanding, maybe you could reflect on whether they have had trauma in their own lives that could explain their behaviour. It by no means excuses or, but it could help you to come to peace with it.

Also think about the dynamic in their relationship. They could be 'showing off' to each other in both putting you down... bonding over it if you will. Tragic if that's the case but it may help you to understand.

You're doing an amazing job of having insight and not passing this into your DS. It's your time now to emotionally distance yourself from them, grieve for the relationship you wish you had with them and move forward with relief and love for yourself and your little family.

Op i feel for you i dont have any direct help but some personal experience

I am the oldest child and have three younger siblings we all are grown adults now , with my youngest siblings been 24yrs old, with children of my own my parents live down the road a minute of walking distance

I was the golden child the one that listens and does as im told, I do everything thing for my mom and dad i make sure they are up to date on appointments, take them out, errands, ring for them if they need anything i am the first response and my mum helps with my dh as she's disabled it's very difficult I'm constantly at heads with my siblings telling them to help but none listen they know if they don't do anything I'm gona do it it's so hard cuz my parents they don't speak English or read or write so I'm conditioned at very young age to do this i love my parents and can't see my dad struggle so i just do it

I beg my dad and mum to come to my house they never do, i always say to my parents i live down the corner please come and give me some time i always argue that they always make me come to them and if there is anything they need they force me to come to them

But i realised they are my parents they are old in there late 50s and early 60s my dad still works, when i was young my mother and father did everything they gave me everything i had my own room nicely decorated as my mum fancied her self a interior designer my room was terracotta (orange) lol a computer, my siblings did not i was the only one in the house with a computer and my parents made sure that my siblings knew it was only for me my mum took me to appointments my dad would hold my hands and take me to matalan (back in my days that was expensive lol) to buy shoes and whsmith to get books for school they treated every child differently my younger sibling got alot of love and no responsibility and the middle kids got support.

They can't do that any more physically i feel that itsok

I kept contact with my parents for way longer than I ought to, partly because I thought my DC should have a relationship with their grandparents, and partly because I was thinking that it would be tough for my DC and financial support would help.

My parents became increasingly abusive towards my children as they got older. When I eventually cut ties, both my children told me they had hated their grandparents for years and only agreed to keep visiting to support me. You can imagine, how awful I felt that I'd only kept the contact going because I thought it was for my children's benefit.

They still send my DC (they are late teens) cheques which the DC consider to be blood money and shred. Your, and your child's mental health and wellbeing, is more important than money.

I read all of your opening post.
From my own experience I would say, get a lot of therapy. It takes years to come to terms with being treated like that. You'll feel worse before you feel better, but face that and carry on.
Sort out your life so that nothing depends on them. You don't need to see them. If they want to see you, they can contact you.

I'd like to recommend the book "You are not the problem" by Katie McKenna and Helen Villiers and/or their series of "Insight" podcasts. I found them really helpful when I was trying to navigate my on toxic relationship with my parents.

There was probably a similar dynamic in the parents’ childhoods. Do you know much about it?

I've a similar situation except my parents flounced out when I inserted boundaries - been almost ten years now. I've read all your post OP and I do feel for you. It's so hurtful. I could probably do with therapy myself but I've managed over the years to find some peace.

All I can say is you won't change them, unfortunately. You can only change how you react to the situation.

I've had the threats around inheritance but they've said they'll make 'special provision' for their grandson in one of the threatening emails to me. Swerving the scapegoat and bequeathing to a grandchild to make a point happens I think. It's their money so I just accept it.

I think I miss the parents I might have had.

On the other hand, once you see the pattern of behaviour, you can now move forward in full reality. That's a gift.

Mary Oliver

'Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.'

I see so much understanding in your posts. I'm just sorry so many of us have experienced similar. My DS is wonderful (I know I'm biased 😉) and if they can't appreciate his curious, funny, loving nature then it is absolutely their loss.

redskydarknight Yes, blood money. I love an audiobook and a podcast so I will definitely follow up on your recommendation. Thanks.

BlueBobble Your suggestion on LC rather than NC sits well with me. I feel like birthday cards etc (as you say, with no expectations of reciprocation) may be the right level for me right now.

I have to jump into a work meeting now but I am reading all your posts and feel very heard. Thank you

It very much sounds like your DM was blaming your DF for her own feelings of resentment for taking your child overseas. I think you should cut your losses. They both sound awful. I’ll bet the other kids belong to a brother.

Reading the post and replies it sounds like it's not uncommon.

I too struggled with something similar, especially as I like to talk things through and resolve things instead of letting them fester, and the family members in question prefer to ignore everything and not have a conversation. So it's difficult to understand what they're feeling and why when there's a permanent wall up.

I chose to go NC and it was much better. No more excuses like, "I can't visit you because I have to go to the gym" - even though it's been five years. No feeling let down because you don't get anything back, waiting like a dog at the door.

I actively went out with a mission to get more people in my life who were healthier for me, that I knew I could rely on, that I could talk to properly. Now I have people I can rely on and have more in common with than I ever did with my own family. I agree that you mourn the parents you wish you'd had, I feel like I'd be much further in life and have spent a lot of time happier instead of having to rebuild. But the important thing is where you go from here and how you build up people in your child's life that are healthy for them too.

This is one of those 'if you keep drinking from the poisoned well you'll always be sick' dynamics. It doesn't seem like your parents like you very much and they certainly don't respect you. Whatever you do you're damned because you have been assigned the scapegoat role in your family. People who love you don't pull this s**t, they just don't and as a fellow scapegoat I can guarantee it doesn't change.

The Stately Homes thread in Relationships is a good place for you plus therapy. I'm NC with my awful mother. Best thing I ever did. You can be free but it won't be easy. I don't have any family at all now, she's manipulated the lot of them. Suckers!

If you can handle LC and being distant will help you can maintain your sanity. I doubt your sibling finds it a walk in the park, even if they are the golden child. Bonus is you're far enough away to refuse elder care, win, win!

Just stop, Op. Let go of the rope. For your ds's sake as well as your own.

Regarding a possible inheritance - your parents sound as though they are very likely to have made a decision about this already and your ds won't be part of it. But even so, it's not worth teaching him that it's ok to be treated with so little love for money.

Can totally relate to this. They want obedience. There is no compromise.

I tried to reset the boundaries with my mother. She said if I didn't do things her way ( travel to her, chase her for contact, dismiss my own feelings about the crap she regularly pulled, accept her influencing other family members against me) then not to bother. 🤔 tough choice but not bothering won 😂

Hi OP, check out the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It's a classic from the 1990s.

I actually had to read and reread your first post. You have captured that dynamic so well in it. My parents are very similar. I am so so sorry you have experienced this too. It is just so sad and hurtful.

I have had to do so much work on myself to come to terms with how growing up under these behaviours has affected me. They projected a version of who I am as a person that I am still working at pulling apart. It isn’t who I am at all. I have loads of flaws (unlike my parents in their own eyes) but they are not the flaws my parents attributed to me. They allow themselves tonnes of grace to behave really badly and expect that grace from others but are so critical of others and their foibles and flaws once they are out of their presence.

Like others say it is extreme emotional y immaturity and there is often a lot of crossover between that and narcissism. I am NC with my parents for close to 7 years. At first the grief was enormous but actually I learned to adapt to life without family in it over time. My siblings have a lot of narcissistic and people pleasing traits between them as a result of their upbringing and I’ve ended up pulling away from them too because they are just too like my parents to be in any way healthy to be around.

My only advice to you is as much as humanly possible to emotionally detach from them. It is a very painful process but it does give you the best outcomes.

OP, I've read your posts but don't have time to read the replies yet. I will, later.

All I'm going to say is that my family dynamic is eerily similar to yours so I get it, I really do. I find it very difficult and the only way I cope is by being as low contact as I reasonably can. I don't want to go fully no contact, tempting though it is. I've had therapy which has helped me manage the relationship and my expectations of it.

I know how hard this is for you

Just popping back on to share a line from the novel I’m currently reading, and which may inspire you. A man whose parents had little to do with him growing up carves out a meaningful life for himself…

« his sovereignty is his revenge »

Im sure you’re not looking for retribution but I liked the phrase somehow

Your parents sound like damaged people inflicting damage on their own family.

I think you need to cut them loose in whatever way is comfortable for you. It will hurt and bring sadness to you for a while, but at least they won’t be able to inflict fresh wounds. You will, I’m afraid though, need to work on healing the existing ones.

The first lesson in your healing is to remember you have stopped the rot in your own little family and you will never be that kind of parent.

Probably not what you want to hear, OP, but reading through your very eloquent post brought back many old memories for me.

I won't bore you with the details other than to say I was a very unwanted child.
Born outside marriage - father disappeared - and stepfather hated me and they both made it clear they were only interested in their own DC.

I tried absolutely everything similar to you but finally woke up after I had my DD - only child - in my late 30's and realised I couldn't put my DDthrough similar hurt/comparisons to half siblings' DC so went NC.

I never spoke to any of them again and just focused on my own family. Most of them have died now - only discovered via internet snooping - and can honestly say the past 30 plus years have been the happiest of my life.

I doubt very much anything you do will change your parents. How will you feel if they leave your DS out of the will or leave him far less than his cousins? Both you and your son deserve to be well away from this toxic situation.