Please help me understand my parents dislike/rejection. What should I do?

[ParentDilema]

I need help understanding the situation with parents. I’ve moved past the angry and hurt stage and now just want help understating what I've done wrong and how we can move forward. I have all this stuff swirling around my head and I don’t want to drip-feed so it’s a long one!

My parents worked hard all their lives, started their own business and retired early (about 25 years ago). They are financially comfortable and in good health. Growing up, I made sure to meet their expectations to do well at school & uni, good job etc. By nature, I was a very biddable, people-pleasing child and I became adept at altering my behaviour based on “looks” from my DM. DF gave me the silent treatment on the rare occasions I stepped out of line (eg, a few 6th form parties, or getting home late – fairly tame compared to what was on offer to me in the big northern city where I grew up😉) . Looking back, it seems a bit Dickensian; I knew my role was to be the ‘good girl’ behaviour and keep churning out the achievements that were expected of me. Feelings were never discussed, they never said they loved me, confrontation was avoided (except to tell me off) and negative emotions were swept under a rug. Thankfully, the relationship I have with my DH and DS (13) is very, very different.

About 10 years ago, myself, DH and DS (now 13) moved to part of the UK that’s a short, cheap flight from DPs. We moved for better job opportunities, DS education and standard of living and we love living here. Before that, we lived about an hour from them and they visited every couple of weeks for 2-3 hours; they weren't super-close with my DS but had nice contact with him. To give context, DPs moved away from their families early in their married life and another big move on retirement so they’ve done similar themselves. Growing up, they rarely took us to visited my grandparents.

Since the move, my DPs have visited twice in 10 years. I’ve gone back over those visits a million times and find nothing that could have offended or upset them (I am hyper-vigilant to this given my upbringing). I kept on inviting them but there was always a reason why this wasn’t possible or convenient for them (Covid, a foreign holiday, health appointment, house move, too busy etc). All valid reasons but, over time, showing a general lack of motivation to visit us.

During this time, they frequently visited my sister and her family. The journey time and expense is about the same (although by train). I have a good relationship with my sister but my parents different treatment was hurtful (especially to my DS who knows how often they visit his cousins). For a long time, I tied myself in knots trying to understand this difference.

About 2 years ago, I had to find a way to move past this. I wrote to my DPs saying I was hurt and asking them to help me understand and resolve things. Now, I know a letter isn’t the best way to communicate these feelings but it honestly feels like the only way I can express myself to them and be “heard”. We never discuss feelings and I simply lack the tools to initiate this type of conversation with them (I communicate well with others in my life). I also said that I would stop asking them to visit but they were welcome any time. I’ve since repeated this open invitation. They have never acknowledged my letter (I know it was received though). Over time, I just accepted that if we are to have a relationship, the onus is on me to travel to them. I haven’t waited to be invited; I have proactively asked if dates suited and I've visited man times with DS, DH and alone. I should also add that they never call me or DS, nor ask to speak to him; that’s on me too.

About 1 year ago, my DM told me – out of the blue – that DF said I wasn’t welcome at their home when visiting England. DM was upset and said it’s because DF is angry we moved away, taking their grandson. I comforted her and said maybe it was a breakthrough and the first step to resolving things for a better relationship. DM and I discussed the situation once more before she reverted to usual behaviour, saying I just had to stop raking over old ground and, basically, get over myself. I felt gas-lit by this.

I wrote another letter, expressing how I respected DF’s wishes not to visit them but was very hurt; DS and myself don’t deserve that treatment. Whether or not they agree with my move, it was a good decision and it’s sad for all of us that we don’t participate in each other’s lives. I also said I couldn’t square their reasoning (hurt at missing DS) with their actions (not visiting us and now saying we aren’t to visit them). How were they intending to have a relationship with their much-missed grandson? The letter went unacknowledged.

Things gradually returned to some version of normal over the next few months. Mainly because (as instructed!) I quashed my feelings and swept it under the rug.

This summer, I gave things one more try. I said DS and I would like to visit them and we agreed dates etc. On the visit, there were a few times DM was a bit nasty to DS and, on our last evening, DM shouted at DS to “shut up” and stop asking questions about the TV news. I apologised but said I encourage DS to understand the news and world around him. She didn’t like the push-back and things became heated. DM said we’d overstayed our welcome and that I always “stirred up some vicious nastiness” on my visits (I have since genuinely reflected on this accusation and I honestly can’t think of a single incident to warrant this). I mentioned the letters and DF said they were just me moaning about stuff as usual.

DS and I packed our things and left. I haven’t seen or heard from them since (about 6 weeks). I’m left with the feeling that they just don’t even like me. I'm also angry about the way they've treated DS.

I honestly don’t know what to do about this situation. I’m in disbelief that our relationship has deteriorated to this. I feel that I’ve extended enough olive branches and the onus is now on them to initiate contact. Especially as, this time, they were mean to my DS, not just me. But I know they are capable of sulking for years because, during my childhood, my they didn’t speak to DF's sister for 10 years when she wouldn’t lend them money to set up their business.

I would honestly welcome any input and perspective. I’m also willing to acknowledge any responsibility on my part to improve things. But please be gentle – on the outside I’m a grown-ass woman but on the inside I’m a little girl whose parents have rejected her.

I think in your shoes I would focus on therapy to understand the ways on which my upbringing has impacted my personality, because it sounds to me as if you’re still trying to be the ‘good girl’ they trained you to be. I would decide that I had put far too much emotional energy into them, and take that back and invest it in myself, and in people who are pleased to have me in their lives.

My mother was like your parents. They will never be happy unless you go back to being the biddable child and do only what they think you should do and not live your own life.

Stop beating yourself up.

Your parents sound very emotionally immature and toxic. If everything isn’t on their terms then they throw a tantrum, particularly your father. Your mother sounds nasty in her own right and I personally would not want my child around either of them.

You are torturing yourself over trying to please them, but as you have discovered, that is impossible.

Regarding their treatment of your other sibling, toxic abusive parents often have a golden child, and a scapegoat. The difference in treatment is solely on them. They probably learned they can walk all over you and so they do, and you’ll keep crawling back begging for their scraps. This is not meant to be blaming you in any way - you’re not at fault, you learned to be like this as a coping mechanism to try to gain your parents love and approval. You should not have ever been made to feel like you had to do that.

Classic golden child/scapegoat family dynamic.

Your parents will not change regardless of what you do. So stop trying.
I agree with the suggestion of therapy to understand your own responses to situations and to help you (if you want to) build a relationship with your parents (or decide you don't want to) - which won't be the relationship you want, as they are unable to be the parents you want them to be.

Although long, the OP is very well written and sets out the situation clearly.

Dilemma, I would just give up on your parents, and maybe try therapy if you believe it could help you accept their treatment of you. I cannot understand why you feel you need these people in your life. I may be unusually heartless but was able to pull away from my parents when the situation required it for my own good. It felt great! I stayed away for seven years.

But either way, concentrate on your real family, which is not them. Don’t expect some schmaltzy reconciliation (though it may happen, but needs to come from them).

Courage

There is nothing you can do. My parents are a bit like this but not as harsh. I have made some lifestyle choices that they disapprove of due to their religion. I want to have a relationship with them but their deep set disapproval of who I am makes them unable to enjoy my company. It’s depressing but it is their fault and I can’t change them.

People like this want you to be exactly like them and make the same choices as them. If you don’t they take it as a personal criticism. It’s frustrating and makes no sense but you can’t reason with it.

This is how they operate. Except for a long time you were mostly on the inside because you did the people pleasing work to keep them satiated. You now have more important needs and other people’s wellbeing to consider (plus, of course, your own). That displeases them and now you’re one of those people on the outside who they cut out to keep the equilibrium within the system. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just that it was never sustainable without you sacrificing yourself.

It’s not dissimilar to my family. My mum always had falling outs with people. She is NC with her family (the ones that are still alive). She has cut off very close friends over the years for any number of strange slights.Her partner’s family is NC with him and she tells all sorts of stories about horrible things (it turns out weren’t true). And then it finally came to land on my door. I never saw the nastiness coming. But sometimes when people’s way of surviving is threatened, they lash out, and circle the wagons. You’re a threat because you aren’t maintaining the status quo anymore, so now you’re on the outside of the circle.

Focus on your Dh and ds, get some support for yourself (therapy helped me so much), and protect your wellbeing. I am NC with my family now. It’s the first time I’ve had true peace in my entire adult life. It’s wonderful.

I think you should actively NOT 'try to understand' -- you've already wasted decades of your life trying to understand and please them. For whatever reason, it hasn't worked. You could see this as a good thing, as it can't help but make you aware of the sheer amount of work you used to put in to keep their approval. Now you've lost it. Relax into the feeling of not judging your every action according to whether it's going to piss them off or not. Their shit is their shit. Focus on you. I imagine that as pps have said, you would benefit from therapy to unpick the damaging 'parent-pleasing' childhood scripts your life has been dominated by. But, however you move forward, focus on you and your happiness.

This is where you have to accept that your parents and not the parents you deserve and won't be the parents you want them to be. Just because you are related to someone by blood does not mean they will treat you well. Let go and stop trying to live any part of your life to please them because they will never be happy with your life.

The main thing to realise is that you are raising your own child differently, you are close, happy and you don't need your parents' toxic attitude in your life. You haven't done anything wrong.

OP, I know it's hard but I think maybe you need to accept this relationship will never be. The reason is not that you moved away; which most parents would understand, but that you can no longer be controlled. I never advocate the old 'NC' thing but I think this relationship has run its course. Unless you move back, they won't be happy.
What do your parents give you in terms of things you'll miss? Are they kind, fun, good storytellers, interesting? If it's just due to obligation then they have ruined this by saying you're not welcome in their home.
Also to take it out on your son?? Vile.

you will get lots of support and help to navigate this if you join the " but we took you to stately homes thread ". There are many on there who.are living the same toxic family dynamic. I don't know how to link.so hopefully you can find it or someone more technical will post a link.
Come and join us . It is a v supportive community. For my part it looks like you have been cast as the scapegoat and your sister the golden child. Your parents treatment of you and your precious son is abusive and I am sorry you.are dealing with this behaviour. Your parents should love you unconditionally but unfortunately your dysfunctional ones are unable to do so and are not even willing ( never mind capable) of addressing the issues as you already know.
The best thing you can do is walk.away and live your best life without the rejection and hurt for you all which is easy to say but v hard to do. x

Another one who experienced this from parents and ultimately went no contact with them and it’s been so good for my happiness and mental health!

It’s not you, it’s them. They are not worth a single moment’s further thought from you. It would be different if they were good people but they have shown they are not so leave them to it. They are at the very least manipulative- by not explaining what you have “done wrong” in their eyes but expecting you to turn yourself inside out and change to meet their approval but I would actually say they are abusive and toxic.

As with a PP, my parents had gone NC with other family members themselves. I only met my paternal grandparents once growing up and my maternal aunts and cousins a handful to times. By contrast the only people in my life I’ve gone NC with are them - all my other family relationships are close and loving as it sounds yours are too.

Seriously, this reflects only on them not on you. It’s not a sign you are unlovable or in any way lacking but that they don’t have the capacity to form normal relationships. Leave them to it.

Wow.

What awful toxic people. They sound quite mad too actually.

You do not owe them a grandson and time with him. You can live wherever you like without apology or fear of disapproval.

I really think you need to retreat and keep your distance from them.

No doubt their last act of disapproval will be to leave you less or nothing in their will.

Seriously op, stop trying. You will never win this.

Oh op this is a hard read. Particularly the two letters that you wrote and were dismissed as you being an issue again. They sound vile and you have spent far too long hurting, reflecting and trying to make sense of it. You are their child, even if you committed a murder they should still love you because they've made a lifelong commitment to you. Please get some therapy and let them go now, it's their loss not yours.

You have a right (and a responsibility) to make choices which are for the benefit of your family; this is what you have done by moving. You have no power over their reaction; I am afraid you need to own the decision and let go the desire to make them happy with you.

If OP moves back, her parents still won't be happy. They will just find something else to be unhappy about. Her last visit to them showed this very clearly.

Thank you all for (reading the epic post and) reply with such insight. I found many of your posts validating (definitely need to work on the good-girl needing praise and validation). I do think therapy would benefit me and will take steps on that. Many of your replies, especially around "liberation" have made me realise that, in the last year I have taken steps in my life that do feel liberating. I've invested much more time in my DS, DH and friendships. I've lost weight and stopped drinking (didn't go well with peri-menopause); my socialising involved food and drink and this was something I always felt shame about as my parents rarely drank. Thank you so much

Well written post. I have a similar situation to you and can totally sympathise. You have not done anything wrong but I don't see how this can be resolved.

You probably need some help to understand their behaviour towards you. This might enable you to move on from the relationship.

I think the anger towards your child is just that they see your child simply as an extension of you and not a person in his own right. For me the bad treatment of my own children has been enough for me to draw the line.

Its a terribly sad situation. I think about my similar situation many many times every day. What a waste of time and energy.

Thanks flapjackfairy I will look for that thread.

Gosh BlastedPimples your post made me* *realise that maybe one of the reasons I keep trying is so my DS isn't cut out of the will. Not for myself because I don't need/want their money but I would be very angry if he was cut out. There isn't a vast fortune but it would make a difference to him if he had money towards a house deposit or similar. I'm not sure what that says about me that it's even part of the reason to keep trying. Urgh!

They don't deserve you or their grandson.
Focus on the lovely family and friends you have built for yourself as an adult. Stop bending over backwards to try and appease people who clearly don't care about you on any deep level at all.
Just because they are blood doesn't mean you owe them anything. They aren't going to suddenly turn around and shower you and your son with warmth and love. It's better to protect your son from this shadow of coldness and subtle manipulation.
Let them go silent on you. Don't try and resolve the matter. You have your full life full of love. It's their loss.
Trust me I understand the pain of having a parent incapable of thinking involved about anything but themselves.
There's nothing you can do. It's so sad when you see the lovely relationships other people have with their parents, the support etc.. it's so sad when you see kids with lovely grandparent relationships.
And you feel ashamed like it must be your fault.
It's not.
You have trued endlessly to get through to these people and to bond and heal the relationship.
Stop now.
It's clear that's not actually what they want. What they want is fir you to do exactly what they want and never criticise them and never push back and basically be none existent as an entity. A cardboard cutout of a perfect daughter they can show off or tick the box of having in their lives.
Try and emotionally disconnect. For whatever reason they are not capable of really loving you and your child.

Also fk the inheritance.
There's things much more important.
I know that's hard too from personal experience. I am in the process of legally disinheriting myself. Because I just can't stand the levels of manipulation. I'd honestly rather be destitute.
And as for my kids I'd rather they were surrounded by real warmth and support.
Struggling a bit financially is worth not having your self esteem torn to shreds and being constantly on edge.

There's probably a long complicated answer but the short, simple answer is that your parents are cunts.

Yes, my son definitely deserves better. They "forgot" his 13th birthday earlier this year. No card, nothing. I thought it might just be late/missing in the post but when I asked, DF was annoyed at me for not reminding them. They have 3 grandchildren's birthdays to remember.