I know I’m going to get flamed here. But thoughts on this (bearing in mind my culpability in breaching his privacy!) …
So. I’ve been with bf/partner ( but we don’t live together) for 3 years. We are both very late 40s. We don’t live together b/c I have 2 kids teens / YAs but plan to when youngest moves to uni. But we spend about 60/70% of our time together.
I met him OLD after the end of my 21yr marriage (uni bf). No cheating but sexless relationship and he’d become someone I couldn’t bear to see out my days with.
BF - never been married. 1 long term (7 yrs) relationship that he told me about from the off. It had been over for quite a number of years before we met and he his description of it was that it was very chaotic - lots of break ups and reconciliation. They had lived together in his flat, then she moved out and he helped her do up her new house tho they weren’t together and he described a period when they essentially just met up and has sex really.
I was never really clear a) who was the one ending it these various times - at the time I thought him he was fed up with her chaos - but I’m not sure now b) the exact timeline of all of this. When they were last together.
Anyway, about 3 days ago I went on his phone. Never done it before. But I’d been feeling anxious about us recently. He can go through phases of just being quite cold and unaffectionate. I guess a little bit moody. We had talked about it and I explained how that makes me feel. He’d promised to do better etc. But I was still on edge about it.
Anyway, I went v quickly on his WA and of course found messages between them. There was some kind of slightly sexual exchange I’d say in 2022. We started seeing each other late 2021 and were “exclusive” about a month in. I was so shocked I can’t recall it all but I think she initiated contact after he had a bereavement. He was drunk and said so in his message. There was something about her sending him a pic of what she was wearing (I didn’t see any pics). There was shared ref to some stuff that he likes that I know about usual male stuff of dressing up. Then some suggestion by her of going for lunch. But I don’t think they did.
not huge number of messages. Then a few more. The last brief exchange seemed to be last year and she sent 3 quite anodyne messages and he didn’t respond at all to them. And that seems to have been the end of it. I am imagining that his moral code kicked in at that point and he realised that he was cheating on me.
Of course I feel utterly devastated. The sexual messages WERE cheating at that time. However I do think people do have interior secret lives and really this is on me for snooping. You never hear anything good at a closed door eh. From the brief view of the messages there was no mention he was in a relationship.
Not sure what I am asking tho. If it was ongoing contact of that nature it would be all over. But the fact that it was around the time of intense grief for him, and that he’s actively shut it down since means I am more forgiving
Unfortunately tho it’s really unlocked some insecurity for me around my body. I’m about 1/2 stone heavier than when we first met and have a mum tum of someone who’s had 3 kids. He is very slim and I know really values slim bodies. Of course she is very slim one of those totally flat stomachs. I need to stop looking at photos of her and torturing myself.
I can’t tell him what I saw. He’d rightfully never forgive me. He did tell me a while back when unasked when they’d last had contact that she’d messaged him after this bereavement.
What to do?