Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Falling out of love.

17 replies

findingtherainbow88 · 29/08/2024 21:47

Hoping to see there is or have been others in my situation.
I have been with my husband for 11 years and we have been married 6 years. Our daughter is 5 years old.

Over the past few years I have been feeling like I have been falling out of love with my husband.

It started with him not helping around the house. I brought his up and slowly he got better. Then I started to realise there is more to life than just staying in. So I started to see friends move with and without my daughter. My husband does not have social life or any hobbies.

It got to the point where I had to say to him you need to get a life and not just want to spend time with me and our daughter. You need to enjoy it, see friends, find a hobby. This fell a bit on deaf ears but slowly over the last few weeks he has improved.

The things that don't help is the fact that my daughter wants me for everything bathing putting her bed and playing. She never wants my husband, probs because although he is there he isn't present. The other day she said to me I don't want to play with daddy he just sits there and doesn't join in like you.

The issue is I think I am over it and have been for a while.

He is a good person, good dad but I feel like the changes are a little too late.

He is still very much in love with me. I feel so guilty but I just want to be on my own.

Any advice?

Also when I see cute home stuff I just think that would look nice on my house. I have looked at what I can afford to rent and buy etc.

Please tell me I am not the only lot one.

OP posts:
researchers3 · 29/08/2024 21:49

It sounds like you're done. It's very sad but it happens.

You've been feeling like this for some time, what would it take for you to be able to walk away from him?

Original poster
findingtherainbow88 · 29/08/2024 21:55

It won't take much. I just know much this is going to destroy him.

OP posts:
YorkshireLass9879 · 29/08/2024 21:58

Life is short OP, do what makes you happy.

Equally, your husband deserves to have someone who loves and adores him.

Sometimes things fizzle out, but it’s not a failure, there’s so much value and gift in the time you have spent together x

bluebee17 · 29/08/2024 22:16

At the end of day your husband deserves to be with someone who loves him too and the sooner you end things the sooner you both can start living your lives again. It not your fault we can't help how we feel sometimes. You only have one life and you both deserve to be happy

Greenbike · 29/08/2024 22:19

Strongly disagree with these responses. This is marriage. It’s hard. Sometimes you’re not feeling it. Unless he’s grossly betrayed you (and it doesn’t sound like that’s the case) you work at it. It sounds like you’ve given him good feedback and, slowly, he’s acting on that. Give him time and encouragement to continue.

pigletinthewoods · 29/08/2024 22:25

Greenbike · 29/08/2024 22:19

Strongly disagree with these responses. This is marriage. It’s hard. Sometimes you’re not feeling it. Unless he’s grossly betrayed you (and it doesn’t sound like that’s the case) you work at it. It sounds like you’ve given him good feedback and, slowly, he’s acting on that. Give him time and encouragement to continue.

Agree. When children are involved, it’s no longer all about you.

Of course this doesn’t mean staying in an abusive or toxic relationship, but this doesn’t seem to be the case here.

Your husband has probably always been like this. I’m not saying you can’t ever leave him but once children arrive, I feel one should try harder and not end it because ‘they’re not feeling it’ anymore.

The grass is always greener, it’s likely that you feel trapped with 2 people emotionally reliant on you and you might be idealising living on your own.

Perhaps give it a few months and consider couples counselling?

NameChangeqqqq · 29/08/2024 22:50

Greenbike · 29/08/2024 22:19

Strongly disagree with these responses. This is marriage. It’s hard. Sometimes you’re not feeling it. Unless he’s grossly betrayed you (and it doesn’t sound like that’s the case) you work at it. It sounds like you’ve given him good feedback and, slowly, he’s acting on that. Give him time and encouragement to continue.

”Unless he’s grossly betrayed you..”
Thats a mighty low bar. I’m all for not setting unrealistic expectations of humans but jeez….there needs to be more than this to stay.

XChrome · 30/08/2024 02:43

It got to the point where I had to say to him you need to get a life and not just want to spend time with me and our daughter. You need to enjoy it, see friends, find a hobby. This fell a bit on deaf ears but slowly over the last few weeks he has improved.

I get why not helping out around the house would piss you off, that's completely reasonable, but what is your problem with him not being as social as you? It sounds like you are trying to make him change his personality to suit you. He can't do that. If he is a homebody at heart you are not going to convince him to be a social butterfly. It's not fair to him that he has to change who he is to suit you. So I don't think this marriage can last. It seems like you fundamentally don't like him very much.

seedsandseeds · 30/08/2024 02:48

XChrome · 30/08/2024 02:43

It got to the point where I had to say to him you need to get a life and not just want to spend time with me and our daughter. You need to enjoy it, see friends, find a hobby. This fell a bit on deaf ears but slowly over the last few weeks he has improved.

I get why not helping out around the house would piss you off, that's completely reasonable, but what is your problem with him not being as social as you? It sounds like you are trying to make him change his personality to suit you. He can't do that. If he is a homebody at heart you are not going to convince him to be a social butterfly. It's not fair to him that he has to change who he is to suit you. So I don't think this marriage can last. It seems like you fundamentally don't like him very much.

This.

I can be a homebody for long bouts. It's awful that you're trying to change who he is when he's perfect as he is.

When you've got to that stage of trying to control and change someone it's time to end it before it leads to abusive behaviour.

SillyExpert · 30/08/2024 04:39

findingtherainbow88 · 29/08/2024 21:47

Hoping to see there is or have been others in my situation.
I have been with my husband for 11 years and we have been married 6 years. Our daughter is 5 years old.

Over the past few years I have been feeling like I have been falling out of love with my husband.

It started with him not helping around the house. I brought his up and slowly he got better. Then I started to realise there is more to life than just staying in. So I started to see friends move with and without my daughter. My husband does not have social life or any hobbies.

It got to the point where I had to say to him you need to get a life and not just want to spend time with me and our daughter. You need to enjoy it, see friends, find a hobby. This fell a bit on deaf ears but slowly over the last few weeks he has improved.

The things that don't help is the fact that my daughter wants me for everything bathing putting her bed and playing. She never wants my husband, probs because although he is there he isn't present. The other day she said to me I don't want to play with daddy he just sits there and doesn't join in like you.

The issue is I think I am over it and have been for a while.

He is a good person, good dad but I feel like the changes are a little too late.

He is still very much in love with me. I feel so guilty but I just want to be on my own.

Any advice?

Also when I see cute home stuff I just think that would look nice on my house. I have looked at what I can afford to rent and buy etc.

Please tell me I am not the only lot one.

I'd get your wedding vows out and double check what you both signed up for and check the small print to see where it says you can just decide to cancel out the vows if your not feeling it ......

Guavafish1 · 30/08/2024 05:10

How old are you? It sounds like you’re having a midlife crisis.

Your husband is the same… he will probably not change his antisocial behaviour just because you have now seen the light and are more social. I’m impressed he is doing more in the house.

I agree with the comment about marriage with children can be tough, monotonous and challenging.

Would it be worth picking up a hobbie together? Doing something as a family? Marriage counselling is helpful too

Original poster
findingtherainbow88 · 30/08/2024 12:34

I am not trying to change him. He works from home and only leaves to take our daughter to and from school. He can go into the office but chooses not too. He only shaves when he needs to have a meeting and he takes no pride in him self.

When we are out and about with our family he is a different person.

I want him to enjoy life but he is stuck in a rut and I can't cope with it any more.

I don't feel like I am in a midlife crisis, I am just not in love with my husband anymore.

I have had to put a lot of effort into pushing myself to do more like seeing friends and attending exercise classes and I feel it have given me more confidence.

Yes he does stuff around the house but that's because I will nag him to do stuff. I want him to be proud of our home and want to keep it tidy and clean.

He admits he is lazy and does nothing about it.

OP posts:
Mothersmith89 · 11/10/2024 12:25

Exactly my situation! even down to age and only one child.

I broke up with him 6 months ago.

it’s hard - like HARD but I can not tell you the happiness I feel inside me at the moment!!

i pray he meets someone soon to take away my guilt.

Message me if you want to talk xx

Mothersmith89 · 11/10/2024 12:25

Midlife crisis is a myth. She has just fallen out of love. It happens

Tumbler2121 · 11/10/2024 13:01

is there someone else that you've noticed and find more attractive than your H?

Acrantala · 11/10/2024 13:12

Having seen a friend go through this I am going to tell you to imagine yourself 1 year down the line. You need to think about housing, money, practicality of school runs, sharing school holidays and the biggest one not being with your DD every day. Imagine waking up Christmas morning without your child because that probably will happen. He could decide to go for 50/50 so no maintenance payments and is usually the starting point.

The reality is that you could put more effort into involving your Dh into playing more with his child, to involve him in bed times or even them two going out without you to build their relationships. That would be my first port of call, get them to go and do something fun together like get a milkshake somewhere but without you.

A marriage requires work and I would at least try the above before you throw in the towel. There is a child to think about in this. What would be best for her?

Dazzler27 · 11/10/2024 13:32

It's really sad when blokes have no outside interests beit sport or anything

New posts on this thread. Refresh page