My ex to be wants to leave my dc for 12 hours with his tart who is almost a complete stranger to them.

[SparklePrincess]

He has had them with him since yesterday morning. He initially told he that he was taking wednesday & thursday off work & would pick them up weds morning, which he did. Upon picking them up he announced that he might keep them for longer, to which I said to wait & see how the dc felt about it, especially the youngest who has ADHD & has had a tummy bug for the last few days.

He phoned me this morning saying he is going to work tomorrow & wants to leave the dc with his sl@pper (who the dc have met only twice before) for 12 hours while he works. I was furious & told him to bring them home to me if he was at work. I have no objections to them spending time with, or getting to know this old tart, but to expect me to agree to her looking after them for 12 hours (or to expect her to do it) when one is sick & has ADHD is a bit much.

He also reminded me that this weekend is his weekend with them, yet the dc have had enough & want to come home. Eldest wanted to come back tonight which ex refused to do, & youngest has really been quite poorly with sick & runny poo & needs her bed.

Personally Id like to see how the dc are & how they feel about it before allowing him to just take them away again after only a few hours. What would you do?

I'd go and pick them up. If they want to come home and are poorly, being left with a perfect stranger is going to do no good and their dad should realize and respect that.

He`s not interested in them, only in using them as a weapon to get at me.

I dont even have the address where he takes them. Apparently I have no right to such information, I should just accept theyre with their dad & being cared for.

He`s supposed to be dropping them off tomorrow morning before work. Eldest wanted to come home tonight but he refused to bring them. She is scared to ask him to call me or bring her home.

Next battle will be when he expects to take them again tomorrow night. If they dont want to go I wont force them to do so.

Not on, leaving them with a virtual stranger for twelve hours. Go and get them if you can.

How old are they? Can they tell you where they are?

If they don't want to go tomorrow - then don't let him take them. Call him through the day and tell him they won't be going as they simply do not want to due to being poorly etc. Whether it's his weekend or not, if they don't want to go, then they don't want to go. He can make it up to them on his next weekend.

Also forgot to say - Would I shite be letting anyone, father or not, take my children anywhere without an address of where they will be. You have no right to such information? Bollocks. You do, quite simply because you're chilren will be there.

"Apparently I have no right to such information [address], I should just accept theyre with their dad & being cared for."
But they are NOT!!

I can't believe him!

Your child is ill and wants to come home and he wants to leave them with a complete stranger for the day instead of bringing them back to their mother!!!!

And 'you have no right to such information' - you most definitely do! You have every right to know the address of where your children are staying!!

As you can't just turn up and pick them up I would, very calmly, tell him to bring them back for the day today and leave it open that you will let him have them for the weekend.

Then I would absolutely NOT be letting them back out of my sight until I had an address and checked out exactly where he is taking them.

I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. I can't imagine how awful it must be for you.

Are you the resident parent? If you are it is imperative that you do know where your children are and what address they are staying at (especially overnight). When I was having contact issues with my ex, he also tried to say that I didn't have a right to know where he was taking ds. My case worker said that I have to insist on knowing exactly where my ds was going, address and telephone, as I have a responsibility for his welfare and if anything happened to him and I didn't know where he was it could be seen as child negligence on my part. If your ex doesn't agree with this then he obviously doesn't have the dc's welfare as his first priority and you need to stand firm to get him to change his attitude.

How can you consent to your dc being whisked off to some unknown place???

What sort of a person is your ex. The poor kids. What if there was an emergency or something happened to the Dad. You'd never know where your dcs are.

Get that w*nker to bring them back. How dare he. Then don't give them out of your hands till you've spoken to a legal aid or solicitor re the address issue.

you need to make him tell you the address that they are staying...it is your right as their mi=other to know that they are safe...in fact i would make sure that the house is a safe and stable enviroment for them to be in......i think he is a prick for not letting them come home out of spight, he obviouslyt hasnt got their best interests at heart, his behaviour is unacceptable and you are not unreasonable for not wanting them to stay with his girlfriend...she might not know her arse from her elbow or have any experience with children.

Woooh there!

Yes, in future make sure that you know the address of where they are staying.

For now though you need to sort this out. Going in calling her a tart and saying she doesn't know how to look after children is only going to inflame the situation.

You need to seperate your feelings for her and him from your duty towards your children. (As does he, I might add, but he's not aksing for help on MN!)

Tell him in a reasoned way that you don't think its in the children's best interests to stay alone with someone they don't know that well yet.

Once you have them back then you need to talk to him and organise some ground rules. With the help of a cousellor if necessary?

And yes, if he and new girlfriend are living together (I assume so, seeing as she is looking after them while he is at work) then she will be looking after them to some extend when they are with him. I know it hurts, but your best bet is to ask to meet her/speak on the phone and talk to her about what you expect for the children, maybe talk about bedtimes, how to handle ADHD etc.

You need to know that you can trust her to look after them. But this can happen in the future, not necesarily now, but it has to happen at some point.

I feel that maybe he is not giving you the address as he is worried you will storm round and cause a scene. You have to act so that he knows this is not the case.

I do understand how you feel, so please don't flame me! Just wanted to give the other side of the story.

Its not being able to get to your babies, but you need to act in the way that is going to be best for them, both now and ongoing.

You got to act in a reasoned way so that you are not labelled the physco ex, which will only make things worse for the kids.

I hope it all works out ok for the kids. Keep strong.

Totally agree that you need the address of where they are.

There are loads of reasons why you need this. If you want some ideas of what to say to him, let me know and I'll post some...

Does the slapper girlfriend even want to look after them while he's at work? It's a big responsibility, someone else's children, that you don't know, that are ill... not surprised you're not happy about it. If I were her, I would be fuming that he was expecting me to do this tbh.

I really do think that you need to get your children back from him right now. It sounds like they need their mummy at the moment.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I wouldnt flame you for your good advice duke748. Thanks for that.

Update: He brought them back at 845 on the Friday morning, no mention as to whether he was coming back to collect them after work. He didnt..

On Saturday there was a family party (his family) that we had all been invited to. Id given him the invitation saying he could take the dc a week ago. I text his sister saying I didnt know if he was coming or not & she phoned him to ask if he was coming & he said no. He then phoned me to say he would be coming round on Sunday to see the dc & wouldnt be going to the party because it was too far to drive.

I decided to take the dc to the party myself. After all, its not their fault their son/brother is a complete @rse. I hadnt seen them for months & we had a really nice time. Most of his family had no idea that H & I had split up, (He doesnt communicate with them either) & were absolutely fine with me, wanting to stay in touch. Im glad I went.

Re the no address thing: It was actually our mediator (whos pretty cr@p) that said I didnt need to know where the dc were staying & I should just accept that they were being cared for by their father. He said did I always let H know exactly where I was taking the dc all the time? (Which of course I would if we were going away) Ive no idea how it stands legally with regard to the address. I do actually know the phone number now thankfully, so I do have a number for emergencies. Its been made pretty clear to me by H & the mediator that if I dont let him take them then im in the wrong by withholding access, & unless Hs behaviour is really bad (& I can prove it) theres not a thing I can do.

I dont have a problem with the tart meeting & spending time with the dc. If shes going to be part of H`s life then I have no option. As long as she looks after them properly thats fine, but at the moment its all very new & she is effectively a stranger to them.

I dont have any particular feelings towards H or his "friend" I simply couldnt care less about them. What Id like to happen would be for H to separate his feelings of hatred towards me from his feelings towards her & the dc, & not to use them as a weapon in which to get at me with.

Message withdrawn

"Your children are better off with you if his idea of access visits is to immediately hand their care over to someone else."

Too blinkin right! Think im going to have to ask a solicitor for advice on that one.